Enough already. I promise this is the last post I'll do centered on this theme and I'm prepared to move on.... I promise...
I've finished reading "No More Goodbyes".
Overall, it is a great read as it encourages dialogue in a community where there is none... or it is all one-sided as I and others have pointed out numerous times. The message of love and compassion, tolerance and understanding is without parallel. Carol Lynn Pearson is definitely the champion of these virtues. The plea for these virtues is real and heartfelt and moving.
The metaphor of reaching out and risking ourselves to bring our brothers and sisters in from the plain (a reference to the rescue missions of the handcart companies of 1856), is tugging and reassuring and the "right thing to do", and deep down we all know it - we just don't always do a good job doing it.
What I am struggling with, however, is the subtle message that is not even implied, but is there nevertheless, of the inevitability of gay faithful Mormon married men in my situation who will, without a doubt, 1) leave the church, and 2) leave the marriage. I know that CLP's husband did that very thing and she may feel it is only a matter of time before I do the same - or become insane if I don't - and who knows whether I already am going insane for not. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but there isn't an example that I can find of a story of one like me who has remained faithful and who has remained happily married, and has done so without giving up and losing his integrity, honesty, authenticity, and sanity.
So, seeing that CLP has countless stories at her disposal, where are the stories like mine? Where is the hope for a life like mine? Am I really just delusional to think I can avoid the inevitability?
What am I missing? The book has left me feeling quite fatalistic. Yes, the audience is not for me... it is for straight church members and straight family members who need some education and sensitivity training on how to love and respect and honor and appreciate their gay brothers and sisters. That's all good and fine, and necessary and needed.
But I guess, as I've noted before, I'm still looking for the CLP stories of wonderful and creative and successful gay men who are happy and full of life and excited to be engaged in good things and are faithfully committed to their love-filled marriages and faithfully devoted to their spiritually-enriching religion. Is that too much to ask for?
In the end, I didn't feel uplifted. I feel empty. And I hesitate (sorry Dicho's wife) to encourage my wife to read it as I don't need her feeling the emptiness I'm feeling right now and the fatalistic inevitability that I sense as my only future with her.
Now, that doesn't mean I can't leave it out for her to pick up on her own... :)
I don't believe in fatalistic points of view. I don't believe in inevitability either. Call me naive, call me delusional, call me ignorant, call me insane... I just won't accept that there isn't another way...