A bigger slice...

Often, this blog becomes my rant on self-centered thoughts. I guess that is what this is supposed to be for me. This isn't my journal, or life history, a chronology of events. It is simply one slice of life focused on coming to terms with one small but crucial part of who I am.

In reflecting on the bigger slices of life, I am mindful of and grateful for all the good, the bounty, the peace, the love that feels my existence. Much of my life is full and rich and beautiful.

Instead of bemoaning the difficulties of my marriage due to my same-sex attraction, I am deeply thankful for a loving spouse who anchors me and focuses me on the "bigger picture", who strives to help me to become the best I can be, who loves me unconditionally despite my shortcomings and faults, and who sees in me her prince, her protector, her help-meet, her eternal companion. I recognize and am so grateful for her convictions and strength, her testimony and sensitivities, her devoted kindness and love for me. I am thankful for LOVE that I have for her - such love that makes me all the good and honorable and praiseworthy that I am, and I honor her and thank God that I was and am attracted to this one woman in a way that binds me together forever with her. This is my greatest miracle!

Instead of bemoaning the trials and struggles of raising a family of teenagers, I am grateful for my teenagers in my life, for their trials and struggles - they give me such focus on true joy, by helping them take the steps that grow and stretch them into the amazing people that they are. My daughter came home from college this week - how amazing it feels as a father to have the entire family around the table again, anchored in each other, knowing that no matter what, we are in this gig together and none of us are ever going to abandon the others. Life isn't easy, but family around us certainly helps ease our burdens. Some burdens right now are very heavy, very hard, very hopeless. I am grateful to be a father, the one calling from which I can never be released! My children are my greatest blessing!

Instead of bemoaning the fact that I have too much work, I am thankful for the ability to work, to provide for my family, to assist others along their way with my successes. I am mindful of the creative process that work brings to my life, and the joy in conceptualizing, developing and constructing positive environments for others along the way.

Instead of bemoaning that I'm not getting any younger, and desiring to relive my youth again, associating and longing for a life with my fantasy-boys, and being an adolescent in so many ways, ponytail and all, I am grateful for health, for strength to be able to do what I want to do, for wisdom and knowledge that comes from experience and age. And I have dreams and desires to experience and know so much more - I never want to stop living. I am grateful for life. I want to live.

Instead of bemoaning that I'm a gay man trapped in a hetero life where things don't add up right, and I'm left to fantasize and long for the "what ifs", I am grateful for the "gifts" I've been given, the "talents" that God has granted me, and the knowledge of Him whereby I can use these talents and magnify them as I seek to follow His plan. I do not bemoan that I am gay. I just sometimes struggle with how that applies to the Plan and where I fit in with what I should be doing with it. I may not have a trail guide, but I have the Spirit, and I'm grateful for those promptings to keep me on the path. This is a tender mercy. This, too, is a miracle!

Instead of bemoaning that I am all alone in these struggles along this path, I recognize how grateful I am for cyber-friends who I have come to know and cherish - electronically, telephonically, and in the flesh - who I have come to love as dear brothers and sisters, and who I hope to be able to lift and strengthen and help along the way ever as much as I have been lifted, strengthened and helped. We are not yet as Job, as we still have friends, we still have each other. Though some may bemoan the change in tone of this community, I see only hope as I have been given the gift of hope through it. If I may be so bold as to think that I might give that same gift of hope to others, I will continue on believing that there is a purpose for my being here chattering away in the queerosphere. I love you!

Instead of bemoaning that God has forsaken me, I am thankful for His love, for His Grace - that I am acceptable to Him, despite what I do, but also as I do the best I can with what I've been given...

Thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

My Trail Guide called "LIFE"...

As John G-W compassionately pointed out in my last post, I have "complained" that there isn't a trail guide or Handbook of Instructions for married gay Mormons like myself and others, who are trying to be faithful to our covenants to our spouse and to our testimonies, while still very much being attracted to the same sex, and that we are very much left to our own resources and spirit to sort these things out. It has triggered some thoughts, particularly since my recent encounter with Tim (see previous post), including:

1. The Brethren don't know that I (or my type) exist. Or, they would like to wish that we don't exist. If they did know, then they would like to suggest that I just don't say anything and go back to where I was where things are easily brushed under the carpet and locked away in the deep compartments of my closet. Now, that may sound harsh, but I don't mean it to be. I am not expecting, nor desiring the Brethren to do anything for me regarding being a MOM MOHO, particularly at this point in my life. As I've stated before, I have a firm witness of their stewardship and mantle and I have no qualms about following them as Prophets, Seers and Revelators. Per my individual trail guide that I am making up as I go, I have chosen and will follow them and sustain them in their callings. They are doing the best they can with what they've been given. Obviously, if I've been able to hold together pretty successfully my wife and kids in a family unit of faithful devotion and love for 26 years then something is going right - and I'm sure that they would say: "Good job, Brother Beck! You're doing great building the Kingdom and strengthening your family. Keep doing the good things you're doing and don't dwell on that attraction stuff too much".

2. The Brethren counsel us to not dwell on or put undo attention to this issue, and to not associate with others who do put undo attention to this issue. I would suggest that some would counsel that this Blog does just the opposite, that I have allowed, by blogging for some 20 months now, myself to be placing a lot of attention on this issue. And I suggest, per my own individual trail guide that I am making up as I go, that this Blog has given me direction and guidance, counsel and support, a sustaining influence in times of complete angst beset by self-destructive thoughts and guilt. This community has brought me a sense of resource, a guidepost along my way, if you will, and returning to the world of never discussing this with anyone but myself inside my head would only turn me off the path to a point of destruction again. So, I argue that this Blog and its sustaining influence to "help me along the way" has been and remains a good thing. So, I will continue to blog.

3. Confiding in my wife and focusing on her as we continue to worth through the "coming out" experience has been a path into uncharted territory for me. I did so with no example before me. I had no knowledge of the MOHO world at that time. Other married gay Mormons weren't even on my radar screen at the time, or if they were, I only saw divorce as the answer to my problems. My one gay friend (with whom I became reacquainted through the Internet in googling "Gay Mormon") who encouraged me to be forthright and up front with my wife, as the only way forward (he speaking from his own experience) did so in hopes that I would find peace with myself and that this peace would lead to ending our marriage, as his had. That was the trail guide before me! At the time, I had no knowledge of "others like me" and all I saw was failed marriages leading to the next step of moving into a true and honest gay lifestyle. (BTW, no judgment here at all... I dreamed of what it would be like to be in a gay lifestyle and came to the conclusion that this was my path, my destiny, and I was willing to accept it). With this example before me, I reached the point where I had to "come out" to her or destroy myself. There was no other choice and I was willing to pay whatever price and consequence. Because I was so late in coming out to myself (45 years old), my life had already been well entrenched and well established in the path of a confused and struggling heterosexual marriage. Now nearly three years later, we are still struggling, and I've come to learn that these things take time. But I've also been surprised to discover that our marriage has become stronger, more united, and more intimate BECAUSE of my "coming out", not the opposite results that I was expecting. Unexpected blessings shockingly came to us! We have developed better communication skills, more physical bonding, and stronger ties emotionally to each other because of this path taken. She did not leave me, as I had predicted and as my friend had prognosticated. Though it was rough going and very painful, with a period that continues to this day of nearly destroying her self-worth and self-esteem, we looked to each other for strength and found it in each other's arms. Had I not taken this trail, I am convinced that our marriage would have ended. Because I took this trail expecting to end our marriage, I have strengthened it. Now, try to explain that one!

4. For a period of time after my "coming out", my angst settled down and I was able to concentrate on her and we celebrated a new "honeymoon period" of renewal in our marriage. I came to find that there was an attraction for her deep inside me that could not be extinguished, though difficult to always be there for her, but now there was a spirit of cooperation and understanding between us, and for a while, my desires for men in my life diminished. This trail I was and am taking was and is good.

5. But then, the volcano within me, my desires to be with men, to be loved and held by men, to have close male friends - returned, and with an errupting vengeance. That is when I started to blog and I have continued now over 20 months to determine how to keep my marital path and covenants in check while still desiring and craving male associations in my life. I have always been affectionate and have a "need" for affection and closeness, particularly from men. On my mission I discovered the joy of male bonding that allowed me to cross cultural lines and embrace a freedom of expression between men that became a goal post from then on in my life. Some may say that I've never moved on from that "culturally sinful" behavior of my mission. I say, for me, it established a fulfillment and sense of joy that I have not found anywhere else, and I desire it and need it to feel "complete" and "balanced" and "honest" with myself. Thus, in my uncharted path, I have sought these experiences of intense brotherhood, to rekindle the feelings of belonging, acceptance, comfort and peace. I feel so different and isolated from even the brothers in this community when I use such words - for they are foreign and strange to what should become a 'sexual' relationship.

6. I have chosen to not go down the path of 'sexual' relationships with men. I have sought and been very successful at staying away from hard core pornography and masturbation. This is my path and my choice. Following the spirit through these choices has been very helpful along the way.

7. But, my desires to be held by a man, to be in a platonic relationship with a man have never, ever diminished. In fact, of recent, these desires have INCREASED! And two young men, at just the right time in my life, came along and appeared on my trail when I needed them. First "Will" (who was the reason for my truly coming to the self-realization that I am emphatically a core "scale 5" GAY man) befriended me in a way that no one had since my mission and brought a bonding that I began to recrave in earnest. It was like I was dead, and was now coming alive again inside myself. And then two years later came "Tim", who as of late, is still there in my life, walking occasionally alongside me on this trail I'm on. These young men have shown me complete and full brotherly love in a way that I don't even begin to phathom or witness in others. I, in turn, become a different person around them: affectionate, warm, caring, loving... I like the person that I become when I am with them. I really like that person that I become! And I ask again: Is this a bad thing?

8. With Will, my affection began to run me scared - full force in the direction of a cliff. I was going to jump off the deep end and I knew it - and I knew through the Spirit that I had to confess to my wife to bring me back to solid ground. So, instead of jumping off the cliff into a gay lifestyle, the direction where my path and emotions and thoughts and desires were leading me to, I chose to stop and place "boundaries" between me and Will. I pulled back. I distanced myself from him. And my angst returned, along with my guilt, my self-destructive patterns, and my beating-myself-up cycle. I reluctantly, though resolutely, find myself in that pattern to this day!

9. So as good as these boundaries are on my trail, they lead me to confusion and angst and guilt and self-doubts. I have distanced myself from Tim as well, and yet every few months we are drawn back together in some amazing crossing-of-paths experience of bonding, of spiritual communication, of physical affection, of brotherly love. Some have called me on this and warned me that I should concentrate ALL my focus on my wife. I know in many ways this is a true and wise warning. But over the course of these last three years, my path has not become more black and white. Instead, it has fallen into a gray and cloudy existence where choices aren't so crisp and exact and obvious.

10. I love my wife. I love my kids. I love the Gospel. I have a firm witness of the spirit working within me. I do not want to hurt them or destroy them. I have thus, maintained my "boundaries" and am firm in holding to them.

11. I have that Spirit to help me as a guide along the way.The Spirit, however, did NOT tell me to stay away from Tim last week. I needed to be there at that time and in that place to lift and strengthen him and I was able to do so in a real and amazing way. In turn, he has fulfilled a "need" in me and I feel "good" and "whole" and "complete" when he holds me in his arms. He knows he fulfills this need of mine (though we do not speak about it - he instinctively just does it) and is a willing participant to see that my needs are met. I can't explain it in any other way. And I'll be DAMNED if anyone sees fit to take this away from me!!!

12. Selfish as it may seem, I need to have male-to-male bonding in my life to keep some sense of sanity. On my chosen path (and it is a conscientious choice) I have not had sex with a man. Though my fantasy life may have desired it, craved for it, wondered about it, contemplated it, I have not chosen that path and am seeking constant peace and reassurance that this is the right path for me. However, to rob me of knowing, feeling, sensing and craving male-to-male bonding of a non-sexual nature (particularly for one in my situation and circumstance) because of "cultural reasons" or because I am married, is complete and total hog-wash! I refuse to be placed in those limitations. For, for MY path, maybe not yours, such relationships, such brotherhood brings me therapeutic sanity, personal strength, and inner peace to an otherwise pathetic life of unfortunate events.

This is MY trail. I don't recommend it to anyone. (I've thought once of writing a book when I've outgrown my gay adolescence in hopes of helping others that might be seeking a "trail guide" in their lives - though I quickly squash that idea because I really don't wish this trail on anyone - for the overriding lesson is that we are all unique and must ultimately find our own way through our own experiences). But, I continue to seek outside advice through the means of this blog because I can't talk to anyone else about this. I seek contrary points of view, not just "slaps on the back". I beg for "slaps on the head" as warning voices in my life to be careful as I walk along the precipice edge. I see and recognize the warning signs from the Brethren and from you fellow bloggers. I see and recognize the warning voice of the Spirit.

But I also feel and know the warmth of the spirit when I choose to remain faithful to my covenants and vows, as well as have some sense of indescribable bonding with my fellow brothers.

Is that too much to ask? Am I playing with fire? Am I asking for trouble? Do I want my cake and eat it too? You're damn right I do! And I'm not going to be made to feel GUILTY about it anymore!

There, John... I did it. I didn't tear myself down! How about that?

Coincidences...

Coincidences!

Do you believe in them? Or are you one of those that believes "everything has a purpose"?

As noted previously, I'm going through some severe struggles with my family in crisis as well as needing to rebuild my business while juggling my own sense of self-worth (or lack thereof) in the universe, gay attractions notwithstanding.

So, in that spirit, out of the blue, an independent consultant offered a name of a person that I should consider hiring - someone that he felt would fit my company's needs perfectly. I hate hiring people. I don't like change. I would rather overwork myself than train somebody new. Was it a coincidence that this person made such a suggestion right when I needed it? I talked to him by phone (as he is out of town) and things felt good. So, we agreed to meet at a mutually convenient place in a public food court at a mall where we could decide if a working relationship could work for both of us. He suggested a place that I had not been to before and I agreed to meet him there at the appointed hour.

The interview went well and I was pleased with the prospects of hiring this person. We got along well from the start and my consultant friend was right - it was a "good fit".

Then it happened -

*sigh*

another "coincidence". While sitting there in animated dialogue, I look up and catch out of the corner of my eye - Tim - my "Tim" walking by! He was wearing a dark blue dress shirt with a sharp golden tie, his hair perfectly cut to grooming perfection reflecting maturity, style and refinement. My heart leaped. I haven't had my heart leap out of my chest in years, but it leaped - to the point of my feeling the need to catch it before it fell out of my body.

After noticing "him" pass by, I really couldn't concentrate on much else. I ended the interview and we walked out to our respective cars. As I did so, I noticed Tim again, this time at the store where he was working. He didn't see me as I nervously proceeded to my car.

I sat in the car, contented that I had solved one of my work-related stressful situations, and contemplated another. Let me explain for those of you who are not following along with my gay soap opera (which is probably everyone of my vast reading audience):

Tim is a tall, gorgeously handsome, young man that I have known now for nearly ten years. Our relationship has evolved from teacher-student, to mentor-"mentee", to older friend-younger friend, to brother-brother to confidants to my fantasy world of infatuation and obsession. He literally saved my life once and I have felt a bond, a kinship, a brotherhood, an affection and affinity for him ever since - and to my pleasant surprise - instead of the normal evolution of multi-generational friendships over time - it has been reciprocated and strengthened, not weakened over the passing of time... I have recognized this evolution and thus have distanced myself purposefully so as to not make a wonderful friendship into something that it is not - and trying to balance my strong-felt feelings for him with my commitments and covenants. In that distancing, I have seen him sparingly this last year, the last time being over five months ago.

But even with distance, as my stress levels increase, my pon-farr increases proportionally, and thus my fantasies of him increase as well. This has become unwise. One of my fellow MOHOs has pointed out that this has become an obsession of mine. I know my obsession is inside my mind. I am aware of it. I have used "him" as a personification of my gay adolescent needs and I'm not proud of it. Like with all my intimate relationships I haven't been completely "truthful" about my emotional attraction needs. In being honest about him with my wife, I nearly destroyed my marriage, and have attempted, to no avail, to move beyond him. In finding no strength to "confess my attraction" to him other than my physical and emotional sense of bonding I "need" with him - I have permitted our relationship to continue into whatever you will make of it - he being a willing participant.

I sat in my car contemplating the "coincidence" factor of meeting with someone just at the right moment and in the right place to catch a glimpse of my fantasy-boy. Was this supposed to mean something? Should I go in and find him? What would I say - that I was scoping him out and found out where he worked? He hadn't seen me, so it would be safe to drive off and forget about the whole thing. As such thoughts went through my head, my heart kept beating faster. My head, heart, and spirit weren't communicating very well, and I didn't know what to do - but the overwhelming thought was this: He is my friend. We have continued to correspond and he has shared things with me that only I know of. Our level of mutual love and brotherhood has never been stronger, despite the distance between us. He has declared his "love" for me and I for him. We mutually recognize our "odd and unique" relationship that goes beyond the boundaries of normalcy, and cannot be reasoned or explained to the innocent bystander.

I thought to myself - this is so stupid. I didn't do anything wrong! I'm not rendezvousing with him. It's an innocent coincidence... that's all... and shouldn't friends, particularly with our kind of friendship, be able to meet in a public emporium and say "hi"? So, I got out of the car and went back into the mall. Nervous, but confident, I walked into the store and he wasn't there. I asked the manager if "Tim" worked there, to be sure I wasn't imagining things - my fantasy world running wild and overriding my reality world. No, I wasn't imagining things - Tim did work there, but had just gone on a quick errand and would return shortly. He asked for my name and I told him I was "just a friend" and that I would return later.

I walked around the mall feeling like a school girl. Should I return later? I was giddy inside. What was I doing? I'm supposed to be the mature one here! I had business to take care of! I had family needs to be met! I needed to keep my pon-farr in check and here I was in the middle of the day, roaming a mall lost in thought of his reaction to my showing up. I felt nervous like I did on my first date in high school. I thought to myself: "You're such a drama queen! This is so gay!"

As I rounded the corner of his store, I caught sight of him talking to the manager, his back turned away from me. My heart beating stronger than normal, I entered the store. The manager saw me and was about to indicate my presence to Tim, when I asked if either of the gentlemen could help me make a selection of one of the fine items there behind the counter. Hearing my voice, Tim turned around and broke into an enormous smile of surprise.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, obviously not expecting me, as he came around the counter quickly and instinctively enveloped me in one of his classic all-body hugs, our bodies welding together as one in the middle of the store. I fell into his embrace and kissed his neck. We held each other tightly, forgetting that his boss (and other customers) were standing there watching us. NOTE: It was one thing to do "our thing" in the corridors of the church where such "brotherhood affection" had become common place between Beck-n-Tim, but in a store in a mall in front of his boss?

Still holding each other hip-to-hip around our waists, I asked the manager if I could steal Tim for a few minutes. Fortunately, he agreed, and Tim and I walked out arm-in-arm and found a place to sit and talk. Many things have been going on in my life. Even more things have been going on in his - hard, difficult choices to be made and situations to be resolved. I noticed as we spoke just how beautiful he was, as if I was seeing him for the first time. I studied his deep blue eyes and noticed how stunning they were - they made my heart melt. I was completely twitterpated. My gay adolescence kicked in and I was in love-lust-infatuation all over again. The cliche sounds not so stupid when you really feel "putty in his hands". We ended up talking for well over an hour, arm-in-arm, completely oblivious to others that might have been watching us. Tears were shed. Comfort given on both parts. I really felt a weird sense of romance-spirit-brotherhood-boyfriend-ship all at once. Yes, I really did feel the spirit as we communicated very intimate things to each other.

I told him that I was worried about keeping him from his job. He didn't seem to be so worried. Even so, I told him I needed to go. We returned to the store where I saw the manager smile at me. Tim and I embraced again, caressing each other. I cuddled into him, he did the same. And then it was over, and I left.

As I drove onto the freeway, I felt so good and warm inside. I didn't feel the least bit guilty about it, even if I should have. I genuinely smiled as I couldn't help but marvel at the "coincidences" in our lives...

Questions...

How do you wish your will on someone else? Should you? Is that even something that is right to do?

How do you will someone to live? How do you rekindle a desire to eat? to breathe? When the body has decided to shut down and no longer processes normal things such as thoughts and food and air, can it be retaught to care, to function, to live?

How do you restore hope that has been shattered? Once hope has been lost, can it be found?

How do you love someone that doesn't want to be loved? How can you offer yourself to someone that won't receive you?

What do you wish for someone?

What do you live for?

What do you hope for?

What makes you want to get up each day and eat, and breathe, and live?

What keeps you loving when you don't get love in return?

I don't mean to be down, but this road we are on in our family is a long discouraging one. It's draining. It's fatiguing. It's frustrating. I want things to be better now, not later. I want solutions and actions, not indecision and apathy. I don't want two steps forward and one-and-a-half back.

I have no answers. Do you?

I want lots of things that I can't have.

I'm sorry to be negative and consumed in my own world here (of course that is what all blogs are for, no?) I promise to get back soon to my own angsty self-centered Beck posts.

Connection...

There's nothing like a good ol' trial to set your reflections in a corrected direction and re-evaluate your priorities... This particular trial isn't my own. But as I watch a dear loved one suffer so intensely, to feel no connection with anyone or anything, to lose perspective of anything beautiful (even losing the sense of color), to have no hope, and to desire death over life - it really makes you think...

My heart tonight is hurting. I feel so helpless. I don't know quite what to do... to connect with this dear loved one and restore hope.

You know, these things I write about in this little blog of mine are really pretty silly. They are my foolish gay adolescent thoughts and fantasies, my infatuations and crushes, my foibles and follies. In reality, what my dear loved one is going through makes my little angsts seem so insignificant and irrelevant.

What really is important is family!

What really is important is love, and feeling loved, enough to want to live!

What really is important is connection with others, with each other!

So many people over the course of time have disconnected with this dear loved one. So many gospel-centered / Holy-Ghost-companioned folks have missed the boat and not seen the pain and suffering of a child of God in front of their eyes and have either allowed themselves to be spiritually tuned out and blind to the situation before them, or their not knowing what to do has paralyzed their actions to the point of no-action. We're embarrassed and feel uncomfortable. It's not easy to reach out. We second guess our natural instincts to help. Or even worse, we don't like the uncomfortable feelings we get around unhappy people so we talk about them and gossip and even "turn them in to the Honor Code Violations office" because they scare us and we'd rather they just go away!

These misconnections and disconnections we have with people can add up to life-threatening outcomes of whether the one really hurting and suffering even cares to take that next breath.

I believe in life. I believe in family. I believe in hope. But, we can't do this alone. As parents of children, we do all that we can, and it's not enough. We fall short. We need the fellowship of the Saints, the love of each other to fill in the gaps.

So I have this little attraction issue going on... big deal!! I still have my wife, my family, my testimony (yes, for those who really haven't read between the lines- and I apologize if I've hidden my candle too far under the bushel - may I declare emphatically that I have a testimony!), and my hope. I also have this community. This community of MOHO saints is of value to me because it brings me connectivity to others who understand me in a way that I have found nowhere else - and that brings me hope.

I know of someone tonight who hears nothing but voices bouncing inside declaring with convincing anger that there is no hope, to the point of wanting to stop living and they are doing everything in their power to make it happen.

No one is to blame for this... unless we "see" the need of that someone and choose to do nothing about it... Please remember that you can be the Lord's hands in lifting someone who feels that there is no way to be lifted. Please don't be afraid to do something for someone when you are prompted to do so. Listen to those little promptings in your head - you never know what your smile, your kindness, your tenderness and care can mean to someone feeling so lost and alone.

Please remember to connect!

The workings of a stressed mind...

I'm really going through some interesting times right now:

1. I've had a critical employee quit on me, leaving me with more work than I can handle, with more work coming in on two large jobs that I just landed, and no real way to climb out of the hole I've created. Needless to say, it is stressful to be "all alone at the top". Now, in my case there isn't a whole lot of difference between the top and the bottom when you're self-employed. :)

2. More importantly, my family is going through some serious and difficult times. I really have tried to keep these issues outside this blog. The family issues are separate from this blog theme - and yet, right now they are really inter-related. One member in particular is really suffering some tremendous personal trials of a physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual nature. It is not a fun time and I feel so helpless, so unable to assist where I should but can't. Needless to say, it is stressful on the home front, which just adds to normal life pressures. I can offer advice, I can counsel, I can give a blessing, I can be of comfort and support, I can give my love - but in this particular case, all these things seem to come up short, even empty. I know it is a time for much "prayer and fasting", but it is also a time for the professionals. If you know me, this is a big step to recognize the need for "professionals" to help, particularly when I've been so leery and distant from receiving any personal professional help with my coping with my attraction dimension of my life. But now I feel helpless and frustrated.

3. And right when I should be an anchor of support and stability, of sound reason and spiritual strength, I feel myself entering a mini (yet intense) "pon farr" (to steal the term from Abelard- and if you don't know the meaning, then ask him because I'm not able to explain the Vulcan mating cycle). All day today I am obsessed with things that are distracting me from work, family, the spirit... I am drawn to the need to "kiss-a-guy" thoughts, to the point of insanity! This is so absurd. Why are these thoughts overwhelming me when I have such serious other matters to attend to? I mean, it's to the point that I want to go to my "other apartment" where I "keep" my boyfriend.

It reminds me of the movie "Breakfast at Tiffany's" where George Peppard is "kept" by Patricia O'Neal. For a long time I couldn't figure out their relationship, until I realized how perfect it would be to "keep" someone. So my pon farr thoughts have been concentrating on what it would be like to "keep" a boyfriend for emotional and physical gratification when needed. I would get what I need when I need it and he would have an apartment and expense account for what he needed. We'd both benefit, both using each other in some kind of odd symbiotic relationship.

I don't know... I know this post is stupid, but I'm trying to be real in my thoughts even if they are stupid and even if I show my weaknesses and foibles. It's got to be the mini- pon farr, right? Or is it the stress? Or is it both?

Either way, is there anyone out there who wants to be "kept"?

Articulating reflections...

I think I need to clarify something from my last post...

As I've had a few days to think about it, my feelings I'm feeling about what my wife said and thinks isn't necessarily "hurt" as it is "disappointment". I'm disappointed that after nearly three years of being more "open" about the situation, we have not ventured much past the common notion of any distinction between "gay feelings" and embracing the "gay way".

And as I'm concluding here, this disappointment has more to do with ME than with HER because I have not helped her, or educated her on the distinction, but I've refused to articulate it better. I need to do a better job at this communication gig. This is my responsibility. As I learn and grow and accept, I need to invite her to understand the same thing.

Over the course of many years now, I've had all this time to really take a good look at myself, and to study myself, to reflect on the reflection staring back at me in the mirror. I've had time to think and meditate and pray and fast and find comfort in the Lord and find comfort in that acceptance of Love from the Lord and from myself. I've grown from self-hatred to self-acceptance. I've been able to make a distinction. She has not had these years of contemplation and, even now, is willing to put them "out of sight / out of mind" as they are too painful to deal with. Contemplating that her husband has very strong attractions for other men, and that despite all of her efforts to love and be attractive and provocative, he remains attracted to other men, is something that destroys her self-esteem, self-worth and image as a woman. As much as she tries to wrap her brain around this concept, in her world, in her mind, it is too incomprehensible. To blame her for her reaction or how she's coping is unfair and unjust. I am not here to do that. She is wonderfully sensitive to my needs and hopes and dreams and desires and I don't want to portray it otherwise.

But to expect her to be "up to speed" with me, isn't her fault, it's mine. I need to bring her along carefully and lovingly.

This is not easy. In fact, it's damn hard!

But in the end, I'm convinced it is the right thing to do!