Monday, April 02, 2007

Be Still My Soul...




I wanted to be touched by something during conference. Instead, I found from one session to the other, that it was the same ol' thing and I found myself getting more and more cynical as each session passed. I mean, was it just me, or did President Hinckley appear, and even say, that he's tired and ready to call it quits... even the rededicatory prayer lacked "umph" and punch of one excited with the spirit for such an "historic" occasion. It just seemed lethargic. Maybe it's my spirit that is lethargic.

From spiritual vertigo to being clean, from divorce resulting from a lack of repentance (change) for either or both parties, to the miracle of Joseph Smith and the restoration, it's all the same... though, I must admit, I did enjoy the imagery of the point-of-safe-return (verses point-of-no-return) where we always have the HOPE of the Savior in our lives, no matter how far we've traveled away from Him - that there always is a point-of-safe-return!

I sat in the front of Priesthood Session in our Stake Center with my son, praying for him to be touched - and wondering how I could expect such a thing when I was so "untouched". Obviously, my soul was troubled and I prayed for it to be at peace, to sense some calm, to be touched in some way. The talks brought memories of familiarity to my spirit, but not the still small voice that I sought. I was finding myself more and more cynical as the session proceeded and desperately fought such feelings, trying to have some sense of peace.

And then it came... it was during the closing hymn of the Priesthood Session. The BYU combined men's choir sang A Capella and the spirit started burning in my heart. My soul was stilled... I was completely overcome. I started crying, weeping tears down my cheeks. Thank goodness the lights were dimmed. I tried to stay controlled but my emotions got the best of me. I was overcome with spiritual assurance that peace will come, that my heart is still soft, not totally rock-hard, and that there is a peace and hope for ME personally. I was touched in a very unique way. It wasn't through anything anyone said. It was through the solemn, amazing message through that perfect music. It spoke to my soul in a way that I won't soon forget - though I'm sure eventually I will, and will need to be reminded again.

My troubled, conflicted, struggling, cynical gay heart was touched. My soul was stilled... It's been a long time... but I finally felt something!

10 comments:

Kengo Biddles said...

I'm glad you felt something...I felt nothing. Really depressing, but then, I do know why, after all, I haven't hardly physically touched my scriptures in the last 6 months, so why would I expect to feel the spirit, at all?

Elbow said...

I love you!

Mormon Enigma said...

I was writing up a blog entry on my thoughts of conference. But, then I read your blog - I felt like I was looking in a mirror. Although, as usually, you are able to express thoughts much more eloquently than I can.

The only thing I would have added is that I was really touched by President Fausts talk Sunday morning as he was talking about the outpouring of forgiveness from the Amish community after the tragic school shooting incident.

drex said...

A lot of the talks touched me, but I will wholeheartedly agree that the closing song of the Priesthood session was incredible. I haven't heard a song that powerful in Conference, ever. I just sat there, enraptured, staring at the screen and hoping that the song would keep going for the rest of the night.

Beck said...

KB: I'm sorry you don't feel anything. I concur for the most part that I'm becoming more and more void of feeling - that's why when I did feel something, it was overwhelming!

Please hang in there and maybe pick up the scriptures and dust them off just once in a while... :)

Beck said...

ELBOW: I love you, too! I can't imagine what you're going through right now. Know that I am praying for you and asking the Lord to help you through this particularly difficult time...

Beck said...

M.E. I tried to enter a comment on your last post but it didn't let me... But, please don't let my experience stifle your writing of your own!

Hope all is well you left-leaning flaming liberal, you! :)

Beck said...

DREX: Thanks Drex for helping me to not feel like such an emotional dork - even though I really am an emotional dork! But, all the same it's nice to know - and I'm glad you were touched, too, by the same experience.

Forester said...

I can't believe I missed the highlight of conference! I wish they would broadcast the Priesthood session, at least on cable or on the internet. There was just no way I could get to the stake center without major planning in advance. I should have planned.

Mormon Enigma said...

I can't believe I missed the highlight of conference!

I was about to tell you to go to www.lds.org and listen to it. But, I just checked and the priesthood session is not up yet (all of the other sessions are). Maybe in a couple more days.