I wanted to be touched by something during conference. Instead, I found from one session to the other, that it was the same ol' thing and I found myself getting more and more cynical as each session passed. I mean, was it just me, or did President Hinckley appear, and even say, that he's tired and ready to call it quits... even the rededicatory prayer lacked "umph" and punch of one excited with the spirit for such an "historic" occasion. It just seemed lethargic. Maybe it's my spirit that is lethargic.
From spiritual vertigo to being clean, from divorce resulting from a lack of repentance (change) for either or both parties, to the miracle of Joseph Smith and the restoration, it's all the same... though, I must admit, I did enjoy the imagery of the point-of-safe-return (verses point-of-no-return) where we always have the HOPE of the Savior in our lives, no matter how far we've traveled away from Him - that there always is a point-of-safe-return!
I sat in the front of Priesthood Session in our Stake Center with my son, praying for him to be touched - and wondering how I could expect such a thing when I was so "untouched". Obviously, my soul was troubled and I prayed for it to be at peace, to sense some calm, to be touched in some way. The talks brought memories of familiarity to my spirit, but not the still small voice that I sought. I was finding myself more and more cynical as the session proceeded and desperately fought such feelings, trying to have some sense of peace.
And then it came... it was during the closing hymn of the Priesthood Session. The BYU combined men's choir sang A Capella and the spirit started burning in my heart. My soul was stilled... I was completely overcome. I started crying, weeping tears down my cheeks. Thank goodness the lights were dimmed. I tried to stay controlled but my emotions got the best of me. I was overcome with spiritual assurance that peace will come, that my heart is still soft, not totally rock-hard, and that there is a peace and hope for ME personally. I was touched in a very unique way. It wasn't through anything anyone said. It was through the solemn, amazing message through that perfect music. It spoke to my soul in a way that I won't soon forget - though I'm sure eventually I will, and will need to be reminded again.
My troubled, conflicted, struggling, cynical gay heart was touched. My soul was stilled... It's been a long time... but I finally felt something!