What is it about mile posts that makes one reflect, take stock of where one is, and re-evaluates where one is going? The New Year, birthdays, graduations, anniversaries... they all have this influence to reflect.
Today marks my 100th post!
And tomorrow marks my 1st bloggiversary!
In this past year, I've gone from...
* full of angst... to not quite so angsty, at least not on a daily basis.
* full of self-doubt and self-loathing... to being more accepting of myself.
* questioning whether I truly am "gay"... to embracing the idea that having "gay" attributes make up, in part, who I am, but not necessarily who I will ultimately become.
Yet, I've continued to struggle...
* in my marriage and my dialogue with my wife about these feelings and issues, and learning to cope with and hold on to the commitments made in a mixed-oriented marriage now in it's 25 year...
* with my testimony and where I fit into His kingdom... the fears and doubts.
* with my continued and longing desires to be with a man in an emotional, romantic and physical way (still falling apart inside anytime I'm around my dear and sweet "Tim")
* with the delay of my coming "out" to myself, and all that has resulted from that "delay".
* with how far I still have to go in so many ways...
I've become "acquainted" with a community of incredibly amazing people in this MOHO queerosphere of bloggers, and have felt myself attached to a "community of saints" (used in the sense of Paul in the New Testament - both LDS and non-LDS alike) that exists in no other forum or sphere. I have felt love, support, encouragement, enlightenment from so many of you. I have felt a bond, a commonality, a strength from your varied, yet similar, paths. I've become more accepting of choices individuals make, recognizing the individuality of those choices. I am learning and becoming better because of my association with YOU!
I've felt lonely in the path I've chosen to take. I don't live in a world where these thoughts, feelings, emotions, struggles, choices can be discussed, felt, embraced or understood by anyone in my immediate surroundings of family, work, church, or community. This blog has given me a home to come to. I have felt challenged, questioned, stretched and yet never abused or disrespected. Isn't it an amazing thing to see this "community" develop (without rules or regulation, without leaders, without membership etc.) from such a wide variety of backgrounds, ages, circumstances - but with such respect, common strength, and unique "love" for each other. I continue to be astonished how this has evolved over the course of this last year...
As noted in my last post, there is a deafening silence of those who have gone on before me on this road of life as SSA/SGA MOHO MOMs. I want to give A voice to one such man trying to live a happy and mostly-contented life doing so. This road I'm on may end at a cliff, or a dead end. I don't know... as I truly don't see the light in front of me...
But I still give voice. This blog gives "voice" of hope, in spite of the angst and struggles along the way. There is always room for HOPE!!!!!!
And every "voice" counts. As I was reading my most favorite Dr. Suess story to my young daughter the other night:
And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower.
"This," cried the Mayor, "is your town's darkest hour!
The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
To come to the aid of their country!" he said.
"We've GOT to make noises in greater amounts!
So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!"
Thus he spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top,
The lad clared his throat and he shouted out, "Yopp!"
And that Yopp...
That one small, extra Yopp put it over!
Finally, at last! From that speck on the clover
Their voices were heard! They rang out clear and clean.
And the elephant smiled. "Do you see what I mean?...
They've proven they ARE persons, no matter how small.
And their whole world was saved by the Smallest of All!"
I don't pretend to think that this blog is more important than it really is - just a loose collection of angsty ramblings, often whining and complaining. But the strength comes with common and unique bonding of voices. I add my voice, one of the "smallest" in this community...
Thanks for indulging... and for coming along for the ride...