Sunday, November 12, 2006

What's going on?

I promised I wouldn't freak out, but this is freakin' me out!

Friday afternoon I wasn't in the office. HE called and wanted to see me. NOTE: Okay, I'm going to give him a name... I'll call him "Tim", but Tim is the same HE of previous posts (for those who even care and are following along), the same guy I'm very close to, the guy I'm trying NOT to get too close to, the guy who broke my ribs during the summer, the guy who saved my life on a cliff jumping boating trip, the guy who I hugged and kissed (on the neck) in the garage, etc. Anyway, Tim said he needed to make copies. I told Tim I wasn't going to be in for the rest of the day, but that the door should be open and he should make himself available to whatever office needs he had. I didn't hear anything more and frankly didn't think much more about it.

I went into the office on Saturday (yesterday) and found "friendly love notes" on stickies all over my office, at the computer, at the copier etc. He had obviously been there. One drew a "heart" and his name. What does this mean? It started freakin' me out. I got excited. I didn't call him. I decided it was a joke or just a friendship way of him saying "thanks".

I had a hard time sleeping last night.

This morning I went to church and he wasn't in priesthood. I looked but no sign of him. In one way I was miffed. In another way, I was pleased to NOT have seen him and have to deal with him. But if I were honest, my heart sunk a notch. (Since our "relationship" is so non-existent (at my request / and at the request of my wife / and out of respect for her), our "seeing" each other sometimes comes down to bumping into each other at Church).

I didn't see him in SS nor Sacrament Meeting. We sat up front so maybe he was in back. At the end of the block I had to stay after. That's when I saw him go into a meeting. I wondered if he saw me. After my meeting, I left the chapel and there he was talking to someone. I smiled but kept walking down the corridor.

Before I knew it, he was on top of me, tickling me, and throwing me into the HP Group Leader. At 6'-6", 230 lbs of lean athletic muscle, it's hard to shake him. We looked into each other's eyes. He was all smiles today, unlike a couple of weeks ago. We hugged full body, falling into each other's necks as we are now very comfortable in doing very naturally. We held each other for a while. I felt so good and peaceful in his arms!

I gave him a hard time about the notes. He grinned.

I had to go. That was it. Nothing more. All innocent.

So, why, if it's so "innocent", am I sitting here with school-boy anxiety going on in my butterfly-filled stomach? Why is my heart beat racing? I'm positive Tim doesn't know what he's doing inside me. I'm certain of it. I'm sure it's just good-natured friendship. Right?

So why am I all in knots?

I think I need to sell my house and move to another state!


Dave Walter said...

Move to Massachusetts! Gay marriage will be legal there for years to come.

Listen: Sit down with Tim and let him know exactly what goes on in your mind and your body when he's around. If he understands, fantastic. If he doesn't, oh well, the air has been cleared.

Better for you to do that than to one night lose it and grab his crotch.


Anonymous said...

Yeah, discuss it. Communication is a good idea. But bring your wife along. You alone with the guy who is in love with you (that's my conclusions, anyway) might not be viewed very favorably by her otherwise. She should be proud to see the way you are handling it.

Ok, I doubt you're going to go for that, but I do recommend caution. ;-)

Anonymous said...


I think there's credence in talking it over with him, but at the same time, if Tim is the same as my Davros, then he has no idea the knots he's working into your system.

While -L-'s statement of having your wife there has great value, I think you need to decide what message Tim's sending you.

At some level, I fear taking the wife (who's already jealous, right?) is the nuclear option. Imagine the embarrassment for Tim if he's just been his very friendly self?

If you're sure that he's professing his love to you, then yes, absolutely, take your wife along to show her your honest intents...but if it's just him being a typical, obtuse man, then he probably has no idea.

If you want my opinion, OUR point-of-view says he's making a play. The Straight point-of-view says that he's just one of those playful guys who's messing with your head.

You know Tim. You've been his friend (I presume) for years. So if you're sure that it's just his way of being friends, leave it at that. That's what I've had to do with Davros.

My point is, GO S-L-O-W-L-Y through this emotional minefield. You don't want to do something drastic that blows up you, your wife or Tim.

Anonymous said...

If you sell your house, come on to the east coast, I will gladly welcome to my neck of the woods. :)

Wow, that is such an intense experience. I can see how you would be full of anxiety over it. You really need some clarification from him on what his intentions are and what he means by what he does so you know exactly what you are dealing with.

Me personally, I think I'd take him to lunch and say hey listen, you did this, what were your intentions, what did you mean? I don't know if I would reveal my struggle to him, unless he revealed he struggles too. But if you are good friends, then he shouldn't be embarassed by your questions and he may open up to you. If you have your wife or anyone else there, he most likely will not be comfortable to be completely honest with you. I think you'd walk away from lunch with some answers that would help you know to how deal with him going forward.

I wouldn't just ignore it, you should do something. But you have to decide for yourself what that something should be. :)

Foxx said...

Yes, run. That's always the healthy option.


Chris said...

What's the point of saying anything to him? What do you want to happen?

It seems to me that if you are committed to your marriage, little good can come from bringing your feelings for him out in to the open, even if it's just with him.

Anonymous said...

I think the most important thing is to sort through our well-intentioned advice and come to your decision. May you be guided as you do that.

Beck said...

I'm stunned at the response. I really didn't expect it. Let's see... so far I've been told:

1. Move to Massachusetts.
2. Sit down and "out" myself to him.
3. Sit down and "out" myself to him with my wife proudly looking on.
4. Recognize he could be a straight obtuse man who has no such intentions other than being playful - so no big deal
5. Take it slowly and carefully.
6. Move to the east coast.
7. Take him to lunch and confront him on his intentions.
8. Run!
9. Don't say anything.
10. Evaluate my own feelings before going off on him.
11. Sort through great advice from caring dear cyber-friends and make up my own mind.

Frankly I'm surprised nobody said to go for it and make out right in front of the Bishop's office!

Man... I know I'm trying to do right, but I want to do wrong.

Anonymous said...

Well, if you were just wanting us to tell you to make out with him in front of the bishop, you should've said so...we're not mind readers! ;)

We all love you, Beck!

Beck said...

I think I just want to run off with him into the proverbial sunset... and never look back!!!