Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Still struggling...

I want to portray that I'm really okay and have things under control and that I'm not really a 'struggler'. But that would be a lie!

I want to say that I'm really not tempted by images of male eye-candy, even if limited only to the PG / PG-13 versions. But that would be a lie!

I want to be clear that I attempt to isolate myself from Tim. I do it for the sake of my family, my wife, my marriage. I do it because it is the "right" thing to do in my situation, at my age, in my circumstance. And for the most part that is true!

I want to declare that I sincerely have no desire to see him, or to be around him, and that there is NO feeling of excitement or twitterpation when I'm with him. But that would emphatically be a lie!

I want to do what is right and prudent and correct as I deem to be right, prudent, and correct, per my personal self-imposed morals, my personal self-accepted values, my personal family obligations and commitments. This is true!

I want to portray myself as not wanting anything more. But, this would be the biggest lie of all! For you see, there is still something inside me, something major and tremendous, that fighting, bubbling desire inside me, that wants so desperately to explode and do something "wrong", "imprudent" and definitely "incorrect".

I live my life in a way to be clear that I want NO relationship with another man. My belief system is such that this is not possible. But, that would be a lie! I've fantasized about the possibility (ever so slight) of Tim being gay and desiring a relationship with me. Even hypothetically if that were possible, though highly unlikely, but say it was possible... say he came to me tomorrow and burst into my office and announced he was gay and that his intentions have been all along to let me know that he loves me...not in just a dear friendship kind of way, but in other ways of "love"... say that were the case, what would I do? Would I try to beat him up (even though I'd lose as he's so much stronger than I)? Would I kick him out of my house and tell him never to come to my door again? Would I be sympathetic to him, but not reveal my own inclinations, and keep hiding for obvious reasons? And after much thought, I've concluded that I'd honestly faint. And then, with my heart racing, I would cry with joy and grab him passionately and plaster a big wet one right on his trembling mouth, not even thinking of any other consequence. (What a farce! I live in a fantasy world of make-believe!) Then I would regret doing it and I would continue with those thoughts of how this could possibly be, how I could betray the trust of my wife and family...my values and beliefs, my foundation, and then my whole world crumbles at my feet like an unreinforced masonry building in an earthquake.

I don't want to hurt my wife. This is most convincingly true!

I don't want male companionship with Him. But this is a lie!

My son and I watched the movie "Alexander" together as an assignment for extra credit for his World Civilations class in high school the other night. Though not inclined to watch R-rated movies, we decided to watch it together and fast-forward where necessary and still keep the storyline in tact for him to write his report. I made it clear that what was portrayed was Oliver Stone's version of history, not necessarily the real story. We then had a discussion about the homosexuality and my son pointed out how Alexander wanted to have his normal public persona as Conquerer and King of Greece with a queen and posterity, but his faithful hidden guy-lover as well. I said something like "He wants his cake and eat it, too".

I guess as I contemplated it, all I could think of was myself. I want it both ways. I want my cake and eat it, too! I want to be righteous, with my favorite sins on the side. I want the blessings of family, and my guy-lover at my side. I want to kiss him in front of the Bishop's office! I'm now catching myself fantasizing of that very thing!

I portray myself as a man in control, who does not crave King Benjamin's explanation of the "natural man", but craves instead the spiritual life. But that would be a lie!

I'm not feeling very strong right at this moment...

I'm not very proud either of such thoughts...

Unfortunately, I'm still struggling...


Anonymous said...

I am praying for you, Beck. I am here for you if you need to chat.

Did you decide what to do about what happened with Tim this past weekend?

Beck said...

That's the point! I can't decide anything so I do nothing. What I know I should do and what I want to do don't jive.

I have a firm belief that he's just playing with me and loves me dearly just as a great friend. I have a firm fantasy of wanting it to be more because I'm messed up.

In one sense, I want to tell him everything and hope for the best outcome. In another sense, I see no reason to tell him or ask him anything. We are great dear friends and can continue to be so! And I crave such non-sexual but emotionally physical male friendships. He's such a great guy - why mess it up???

I need to calm down and breathe.

Beck said...

I emailed him. I shouldn't have, but I did... I'm still breathing..

Beck said...

I'm not sure I should have changed over to Beta Blog. I'm sorry if this has caused any grief. I was sucked into the "everybody's doing it" pitch.

Please continue to comment. I'll disable the anonymous.

Kengo Biddles said...

What did you e-mail him, Beck? And why is it imperative (in your mind) that you avoid contact with him? I'm confused as to that part.

I agree with your first comment. Why mess a good thing up?

Beck said...

KB: I invited him over this weekend to help me with a project. I decided that I shouldn't avoid him, that we can have a natural and normal friendship out in the open. The "shouldn't" part is doing so behind my wife's back, as that would hurt her. I don't want to hurt her.