Some things have changed...

Some things that over the last couple of months have changed in my marriage:

1. Spontaneous hugs and kisses...

2. Being more affectionate in front of the kids, to the point that they groan with gagginess that we are "worse than newlyweds"... or my young daughter bemoaning: "not kissing again!"

3. Taking time out of a busy life to escape together to refind the lost magic... and find it... (now can we keep it from being lost again?) Sometimes it really does take the effort to "get away from it all" and leave kids, family, work, life behind, to find it.

4. Lingering in bed longer... enjoying the cuddles and closeness that comes when one doesn't just get up and go about the business of the day...

5. Talking more and being more open - still working on the honesty thing, (for example, she doesn't know about the beach thing in the previous post), but it's better than it has been, as the elephant-in-the-room is at least acknowledged instead of ignored or not even seen...

6. Doing more around the house, cooking meals, doing dishes, helping with the kids, being more available and sensitive to her needs - really goes a long way to improve a relationship...

7. Being there at a recent special event (that took a lot of personal commitment and time away from work and priorities) means a lot - something that rekindles affection and commitment to the courtship...

8. Dancing in the kitchen...

9. Dating again and do it because we really want to be together...

10. Anticipating future dates and get-aways (the joy is in the planning)...

11. Discovering each other anew with openness in intimacy (enough said)...

12. Rediscovering that she is beautiful (no she's not that young stud that turns my head, but she is still very beautiful in her own way) and becomes so with the mix of all of the above...

13. Running to the hot tub together...

14. Holding hands in the car...

15. Finding common interests beyond the kids (this has been a worry of ours, particularly as we approach the inevitable empty-nesterhood)...

16. Blogging less and not obsessing with this blog and community as before (not to say that I don't stick around and am not appreciative of what this community has done for me in coming to terms with who I am and what I am - I will be eternally grateful for that!!!! - but the obsession is gone - even though I'm still trying to get used to the fact that I don't receive the attention, accolades and lengthy comments as I used to, to posts since going private - oh the price one pays!)...

17. Falling in love again...

No, this doesn't mean that I'm cured of my angst. Just the opposite! The funny thing is... I still feel angsty and I still have my moments (almost all the time) of "Pon Farr" where all I want is to touch and be touched by a guy, or to just be around other men like me on a beach, or to feel a connection with a cyber boyfriend or lost Italian bromance. No, they are all still there and will be, I am convinced, for the rest of my life's journey...

But, it's funny that as things improve in my relationship with my wife, the homosexual feelings, attractions and desires for connections with men don't diminish - but proportionally seem not as severely out of balance. Does that make sense?

Some days, even with all the good that is happening in my marriage, I want nothing more than to be held by a guy and nothing else will suffice. Yet, THINGS HAVE CHANGED! Being held by my wife and feeling that renewed connection in so many ways, slaps me around a bit inside to realize:

I TRULY AM GRATEFUL FOR MY GREATEST BLESSING OF ALL - MY LOVER, MY COMPANION, MY WIFE.

Now, can I keep it? Can I hold on to it? Is this a facade? Is this a false hope? Or have I rekindled a romance and found a hope that I thought was lost?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

It's complicated...

Have you ever found yourself with a day free from commitments, free from ties to families and friends, free to do whatever you want to do?

If you knew that no one that really knew you was watching, that you were completely anonymous, and you had that freedom to do what you really wished you could do, or be what and who you really are, what would you do or be?

For example:

Let's say you find yourself with family, work and other commitments for several days in the greater San Diego area a couple of weeks ago. And, let's say that on one particular day, you find yourself alone, available to do what you want...

And let's say you love the ocean, and you feel your soul drawn to the sound and rhythm of the waves and the endless vistas from sea cliffs...

And let's say you researched on the Internet for great beaches in the area with towering sea cliffs with endless vistas and you stumble across a certain beach that happens to have an association with the word "gay"...

You click on that link out of curiosity and discover that this particular stretch of beach is close by your hotel, just a few minutes drive, and you see the directions to a very particular parking lot that leads to a particularly isolated path down a particularly secluded beach... a beach that is known for its particular beauty and privacy, frequented mostly by nudists of a particularly gay persuasion... You read how this beach has patrols that tolerate the nudity present as long as it is respectful of others, admitting that technically nudity is illegal...

You are intrigued, to the point that you Google Map the directions to this particular trail head and find it is merely 3.2 miles away. You think about going. You want to go. But there is a debate going on in your head. You wonder why this is so tempting. Is it because:

a) you see the sun and beautiful day and want to feel alive and part of it?

b) you know the way and it is conveniently close and exactly the type of landscape that speaks to your soul?

c) you are naturally curious about what other gay guys do and you want to somehow be connected and feel a sense of inclusion to their club?

d) you have tasted the sense of connection with nature, with sunlight and wind and waves, with body and spirit that comes with nudity in nature and you want to taste and know that sensation again?

e) you hunger for and desire more than anything to be accepted, to be included, to feel a part of something that is inherently part of you, hidden deeply down in your soul, and you desire to feel just for a moment an acceptance for who you are completely - nothing hidden?

f) you desire to identify with a brotherhood that says: "I get you - it's okay."?

You wonder if you should... the day is wasting... and so, against your better judgment, in the spirit of irrational thought, you go... you find the parking lot... you embrace the incredible view... you breathe in the clean salty air as it blows through your hair... you notice the trail head... you see a guy heading down... you follow... it's steep and dangerous with switchbacks down the cliff face... but then you've made it... you're there... you can't believe it! You notice the private but long stretch of white sand before you. It is low tide. The ocean is relatively calm. There is a peace about this place. There is a hush. All is still and quiet. The wind is overhead up on the sea cliff, not down on the sand. There's a sense of reverence. You notice the "clothing optional" nature of fellow citizens, well bronzed and nicely proportioned - obviously they aren't first timers like yourself. One calmly notices you and quietly whispers "hello" and smiles and you nervously nod and acknowledge the greeting with a nervous smile back. You walk for a ways along the beach and note that there are several gay couples lounging together, and you smile and feel warm and grateful that they are able to be themselves in the open in this special place...

You find your place, your peace of sand... not too close, but still somehow a part of the whole experience... you settle in, you look around and you decide to do it. Your clothes are now beside you as you take in the whole experience of sun and ocean and sand, of community and connection and acceptance, of participation and belonging.

Joggers jog by and don't seem to care that you are there. You are as natural as the seaweed spread upon the sand around you. A patrol jeep drives by and doesn't blink in your direction. You feel even more a "part" of this space and experience. You have been accepted...

And then, a fog bank begins to roll in and embrace the cliffs behind you. It envelopes you and "clothes" you with nature's blanket. You find yourself a part of a misty dream world and you ask yourself: "Is this really happening? Is this real? Am I really here on a beach, completely naked, surrounded by gay couples?"

Soon the fog builds and the sun disappears. You pack up and ascend the cliff. At the top you reach sunlight again, the beach below you is covered in a low cloud bank. You sigh that it couldn't last longer... You realize that a different reality, a different connection, a responsibility to family and commitments and another life calls you back... You don't want to go... You feel a longing for what is down below you on that beach...

You sigh...

But, it is not a sigh of sorrow or regret. No, instead, it is a sigh of gratitude, a prayer of thankfulness, associated with an overwhelming peace and tranquility that something significant just happened. A connection was made... a connection with a part of you that lies deep inside you... You feel safe and secure, protected and reassured of who you are... You aren't angsty or upset at the tugs that pull you in different directions.

Instead, you feel blessed for having one special moment on one special beach at that one special time... and you smile as you settle back into your car... grateful to be who you are...

Have you ever felt that way or experienced such a thing?

I did. And it was wonderful!

***

So what do you think? Was I stupid? Was it dangerous? Was I naive enough to believe that there was no danger?

And why did I do it? And why can I not stop thinking about it? Why is there still a longing within my heart, a yearning for connection, understanding and acceptance? Why, when right now I feel more connection, more understanding and more acceptance from the person that means the most to me - my wife!

Life is not black and white.

Life is complicated. And remains so...

Still holding out hope...

I am really trying to be in a good place right now and stay positive (even though little things still slip me up and I start beating myself up as is my habit) and I want to blog about the positive things that are happening as well as my little slip ups in hopes of finding a good balance.

But, this is one last post that continues the theme of the previous post, regarding the Church's stance taken last week. And I promise myself this is it on this subject and I'm going to move on and back to my angst as usual...

I really thought, naively for sure, that there would be an "increased understanding" and an "abundance of love and acceptance" from the membership at large following the Church's public stance. I really thought, maybe it was more of a wish, that the bigotry and ugliness would "soften" a bit toward topics of discussion in the priesthood quorum that dipped into the current events.

Alas, I was wrong...

Yesterday there were two zingers. Neither comment was totally on the subject of "how Joseph Smith felt about his prophetic mission" but somehow these two particular quorum brothers are able to twist the subject to the current events of the week. One said that it was "sad to see the Church needing to bend to the beliefs and immoral practices of others". And the other commented on those who feel that they are outside the kingdom and are knocking at the door in hopes of being rescued by the Prophet (referring to the recent handcart march to Church Headquarters) and then added that the Prophet is leading the church by revelation not democracy, and frankly "good riddance" to them that are outside.

I couldn't believe it. I guess I really am naive that people with change. But I see it as another generation needs to pass and die off before we can triumphantly enter the "promised land". I sat there feeling very hurt and frustrated but decided not to call him on it in the public setting, but pulled him aside afterward and stated that I didn't appreciate his "good riddance" attitude and found it inappropriate in a quorum setting of brotherly love. And I left not seeking any rebuttal.

I probably should have done more, but the situation was so ironic. This same brother was stating that the saints weren't ready to receive the further light and knowledge Joseph was prepared to give them because they were too concerned with their worldly or day-to-day needs to see and accept the truths of eternity. And he thinks that he's ready to receive further light and knowledge with the attitude of hatred and disgust for his gay brothers and sisters?? I'm sure he doesn't even see any conflict.

I noted after church that I had received a fax like 80,000 others stating: "Do not be fooled! Apparently the LDS church had no way out except to endorse the gay rights ordinances..." encouraging one to not be swayed, to not accept homosexuality as a civil right. Continuing it states: "Shame on Utah gays for persecuting, harassing, using intimidation tactics, and staging scenarios to corner the LDS Church into endorsing their movement and to use the LDS Church as a backbone to sway the LDS voters and legislators to vote for their laws!"

Despite all of this, I am still optimistic and positive and find good in the steps the Church took, steps that cannot be taken back, and I still hold out hope that the majority can see through such comments as those I heard at church, or see the hate spilling out of that fax.

Is such hope ill-advised? Must we wait for this generation to die off? Did I do too little? Should I have done more?

Bitter...

Over on Abelard's blog there is a comment-trail going on regarding the reaction to the Church's recent statement of supporting nondiscrimination ordinances in SLC.

I have taken the position that this is a positive step, that the timing was good and appropriate and that the reiteration of Church statements in the past in standing up for nondiscrimination legislation is a "good thing". I feel it was a swaying influence and it did have an affect on the outcome of the vote. But, more than anything, it gives substance to those like me who are arguing with neighbors about anti-discrimination measures and having the Church on my side and not on the side of the ilk of the Sutherland Institute supporters, including some of my fellow quorum members who see any step as a step onto that proverbial slippery slope.

(Note: Just seeing the Sutherland Institute's reaction has been hilarious! It just shows how out of step they are, even with the Brethren! And that makes me happy! I can't help but feel that as SI continues down their path of hate, they will move more and more out of step with the Brethren (need I say apostasy?) instead of lock-step with them - and this is a "good thing"!!!)

Sure, I was disappointed that the Church remained silent in last year's legislative session not putting their muscle behind the equality measures being considered. And yes, I will be disappointed again if the Church does not follow up this stance with one on Capitol Hill next year.

But, what really gets me is the underlying spirit of bitterness, cynicism and anger that has enveloped the MOHO community at large. I could be wrong, but am I the only one in this community who sees this action as a "positive step" without having to throw out a zinger about "motives" or "just a PR move", or "too little and too late". Can't it be seen as just a step in the right direction without the cynicism and bitterness?

Am I viewed as "settling for too little" and not being "gay enough" to not feel the hurt and pain and bitterness? Am I not homosexual enough?

It feels like I'm alone out here. I've moved myself from the general MOHO community for other reasons, but maybe, unbeknownst to me, I've moved myself from the general community in more ways than one. No one is really going to read this anyway, but I saddened. I'm sad that because things are going better for me and I don't feel the bitterness as much that I'm not "gay enough". I'm saddened that any view that looks at the Church in a positive light is considered as "giving in to the enemy" or at best, being an "apologist".

I'm also saddened because I do feel the pain and hurt and anger - personally. My personal homosexual battle with the Church has placed me in destructive places. But, now that things are going a bit better, and because I choose to see silver linings in the dark clouds above me, does that make me a Pollyanna?

Bitterness is poison. I have been bitter. It isn't the way I choose to live.

Paying off!

Good things are going on and they come with lessons learned that are really helping out. Most of these things are where I'm focusing more on my wife and giving her the attention that she desires and being more open with her about the attention and desires that I need from her. In the past, we'd imply things but not really say anything and as would be expected, there would be misconceptions and miscommunications. Now, we are more direct and it is paying off.

And concentrating on things with her, working together with her around the house and in the garden; simple things like taking dancing lessons as a couple and then going dancing together - something we've never done, and then following up with spontaneous dancing in the living room or kitchen - is paying off. And it's a lot of fun. I didn't think that dancing would be so much fun and it is something that we've discovered after all these years of marriage that we enjoy doing together. She breaks into laughs and smiles warmly and affectionately when I take her in my arms and start dancing around the house. Wow, why didn't I do that two decades ago?

Being open to touch. Reaching out instead of pulling way. Talking about touch. Willingness to be open to each other. Wow, little things have huge pay offs!

And getting away together. This one is never over-rated. The job stress (and lack of meaningful work and economic concerns) and the kids and the everyday stresses of life get in the way of each other. We've learned that planning and anticipating, working on a goal of getting away and then doing it - you know what? It really pays off! Even in these difficult times, it is worth every penny. We recently got away from everything for a week and it was an incredible blessing. We bonded and connected like never before. It was like the honeymoon that we never had. Sure I was distracted by the beautiful eye-candy of gorgeous guys around me (that will never go away and frankly it is a blessing to enjoy beautiful guys) but the focus never not so out of whack to keep me from remembering that I'm with my bride and I'm here to make her happy and she's doing the same for me. Wow, I wish we could do this every month... but alas, take it for what it's worth - it really has paid off!

All of this was triggered by my willingness to be more open and honest with her. We are still a long way from her being completely comfortable with where I am, but we are also not in the stalemate and stagnation of where we were.

For now, I am willing to hold off and the take a step back and to bring her along as she is ready to be brought, particularly in my arms, together, in a union of love and devotion and focus on each other.

In the process, I don't feel a huge need to blog a lot, and like Bravone, may take another step back from this community for a while, moreso than I already have in the last few months. I am not going away, but I want to learn from these lessons and enjoy the "pay off".

So, what do you think? Sorry that this isn't full of angst as usual (I'll work on that!) I am still very eager to receive your comments as always!

Lunch...

She listened to my words. She tried to internalize them. She sympathized. She accepted the premise that my having gay friends and "connections" would be a good thing for our marriage.

I promised to be honest about such gay friends and "connections", no longer hiding and living in secret double-life encounters, and receive her permission-of-sorts to do those things which we both deemed acceptable and comfortable.

A "connection" with a gay friend was arranged with mutual acceptance and comfort, restricted a bit by what kind of activity was tolerable and reasonably accommodated by both parties...

But, when I ACTUALLY DID go forward with the said pre-approved "connection", the end result was nothing but hurt and pain.

"I know you were upfront about it and honest with me, but I didn't think you'd actually do it!"

"I'm confused," I stood there baffled and dumbfounded at the grief and pain I had unintentionally or obliviously inflicted on her, "I thought we talked about this and you were okay with it - otherwise I wouldn't have gone."

"I know... I know, but I didn't think you'd actually do it. Don't you realize the pain this is causing me watching you DATE other men? Do you want me to start DATING other men?"

"Of course not. But having good friends is a good thing, right? And, by the way, this isn't "dating"! I stated emphatically, trying to put my foot down on a huge misconception.

"Well, it feels like you're dating to me!"

"It was just lunch - it was like a business lunch."

"But what business do you have together? What is driving you to meet together? Isn't that you want to satisfy your attraction needs with another man?"

And so... there you have it.

As much as she wants to understand, as much as she wants to bend and compromise and allow my freedom to "connect", she can't get past the idea of my "dating" other men.

AARRGGHHH! It's not dating (am I?). I'm not courting him (am I?). I'm not courting anyone. I'm not trying to be romantic with him (am I?). I'm not seeking romance (am I?)... maybe bromance... but it's not the same, right? Am I right? Come on... tell me what you think!

Because right now, I'm feeling like one-on-one "connections" with two gay men on a semi-regular basis, from a wife's perspective, does sound a lot like "dating". And though dating behind the back seems immoral and full of infidelity, dating honestly in front of her, though not immoral, does seem a bit hurtful. Role reversals are great here, and yes, I'd say she would be "dating" if she had done the same.

But at the time, it didn't feel immoral or wrong or unfocused on my marriage. In fact, we ended up talking about our marriages and families and our desires to be better fathers and husbands. It felt good... nothing but good!

DOUBLE AARRGGHHH!

And then I go to Priesthood Leadership Meeting on Sunday early morning and endure all three members of the Stake Presidency speaking on "Fidelity in Marriage!" They wanted our suggestions for future discussions in quorums regarding this subject and I wanted to jump up and shout "What does a gay guy have to do gain trust in his wife such that having friendship connections with other gay guys won't be perceived as infidelity?" but, (heavy sigh) I didn't...

TRIPLE AARRGGHHH!

So, two steps forward and 1-3/4 steps back. I guess that is still 1/4 step forward, right? And at least now we are talking about it instead of hiding it. The dishonest behavior is gone, but if what is left is just hurt and pain - where's the progress in that?

The pleaser made me NOT do it...

My therapist tells me that I'm a "pleaser", that I want to make others happy and pleased with me and that I want to be responsible and diligent and do what others expect of me. (I still haven't decided if this is a bad thing or not, for this characteristic has inherent good qualities in it - I guess as long as it's not taken to the extreme and I no longer "stand up" for who I am in the spirit of "pleasing" others).

Anyway, in that spirit, I feel guilt for not responding to Abelard's request to blog about the "M" word, and so in order to fulfill my "pleaser" personality characteristic, I am obliging... with the hope that since this blog is still private, few, if any, will actually read what I have to say, and if it gets too uncomfortable, I can always delete it...

So, here goes...

I know for some this is impossible to believe, but I NEVER masturbated as a teen. I NEVER masturbated on my mission. I NEVER masturbated before I married. It was only after marriage, MANY years after my marriage (as I contemplated the meaning of it all and accepted that maybe I could be gay) that I finally masturbated.

Now, if you are laughing out loud, or pointing your finger at me and telling me that I'm nothing but a liar, than go ahead. I don't care. I know I don't fit the mold. I never did. I'm not like you. In this aspect, I feel extremely odd and different even from my fellow Moho brothers.

I was a pleaser. I was a "good boy". I was a "good scout". I was a "morally chaste teen" in every meaning of those words. That is what I was supposed to be. I wasn't supposed to do it, and so I didn't. Is it that hard to accept that this scenario was possible? When others of my piers were doing it in the tent at scout camp, I left and didn't participate.

As a teen, because of this sheltered and "good boy" upbringing, I gave my parents no grief. They didn't talk about it and I didn't ask. I had wet dreams, and morning erections, but I never did "the act". That was off limits. After all, I was supposed to be chaste. I was supposed to not look at girls in that way. And so, I didn't. It was easy. I did look at guys and did get excited, but I chalked it up as envy and never allowed myself to be sexually aroused to "that point".

When it was mission worthiness interview time, I had no problem in stating that I was CHASTE. I had not touched myself like others had. Wasn't that supposed to be what I was supposed to do? Wasn't I a good boy?

Okay... so you're still laughing at me, right? You still don't believe me. I know... I find it hard to believe as well. But, it's the truth.

So, on that fateful wedding night, as much as I wanted to, and as much as we tried, it didn't come off without a hitch. I was stunted. And I blame the church. I blame my parents. I blame the culture and society I was raised in.

This stunting has haunted me and caused incredible pain and suffering and has added to the confusion and frustration of intimacy with my wife and has scarred my relationship with her and with my own personal development.

We finally did figure it out, but by then it was already a "chore" instead of a "joy" and the difficulties from there only magnified. Only when I was able to finally explore my own personal sexuality years later did I come to find out the joy and satisfaction of what everyone else knew so much earlier. And this step aided me in finally allowing myself to retry again with my wife and come to some point of "joy" in our relationship. It has been a very long road, but one where we finally arrived so many years later.

She still feels that any form of masturbation is wrong and evil. She feels it takes to focus away from her and centers it on me. I don't need her and can fulfill my needs without her, and so, per her point of view, it is "wrong" as it isn't focused on our relationship. I can understand this, and so, in the spirit of being a "pleaser", I try to abide by her wishes.

That doesn't mean that I can say that I don't indulge. I do... particularly when that "volcano" inside me, that "pon farr" is about to drive me nuts. And I no longer feel guilt or evil, or even that this is wrong in and of itself. I'm not going to go to "hell" for it. I'm not a "bad boy". It is normal and healthy - particularly for someone as sexually stunted as I have been (there's a lot to make up for lost time :)) .

When all is said and done, and as I look back, I am still quite bitter for being raised the way I was. I am mad that such a distorted image of shame and guilt and ickiness was leveled at the subject of masturbation. I lay this directly at the steps of the church that so lectured a "pleaser" boy such as myself to the horrors of masturbation. It was a different generation and a different environment. But I feel stupid and duped and so wronged in the process. I didn't feel pure on my wedding night - I felt embarrassed and so frustrated.

I do not wish my life on anyone. I guess I am grateful that the more open environment of our culture today, even within the church, has lifted some of the taboo off of sex. Of course I've raised my kids to be sexually pure in every way, but I can't help but ask: have I done them the same disservice that I feel was done to me?

The other day my daughter walked out of her sociology college class when the subject of the day dealing with sex got too graphic for her delicate sensitivities. Is there a line of propriety? Is it really healthy to discuss it in a crass and crude way and mock or make fun of those who are uncomfortable with this open approach? Is there a point where it is never discussed and thus sheltered to the point of being unhealthy?

I can't help but wonder - if I were more sexually aware of myself, and had not shunned personal enjoyment, if I had been more open to personal sexual needs and desires and aware of my sexual fantasies and where they were leading me with my attractions to men (ever so obvious in hindsight-enlightened eyes as I look back on my adolescent years), would I have been more willing to accept my homosexuality then instead of decades later? And where would that personal and sexual honesty put me as I approached marriage? Would I have proceeded to marry?

Hindsight is never fair. I wasn't the person I am now. Don't get me wrong... I am grateful for the decisions I made that led me to my mission, my marriage, my family. I am grateful for these blessings. But, the road has been full of confusion and frustration, pain and struggle, bringing an innocent daughter of God into this suffering with me - and for what price? because I was supposed to be a "good boy".

I'm so tired of being the pleaser.


P.S. Abelard... I can't believe I wrote this. I hope you read it before I take it down. I'm still ashamed and embarrassed by this confession of stupidity and I still feel ashmed and guilty about this whole aspect of my life. I don't know if this is what you wanted, nor did it turn out to be what I had anticipated, but there you go... are you "pleased" with me?