Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Some things have changed...


Some things that over the last couple of months have changed in my marriage:


1. Spontaneous hugs and kisses...


2. Being more affectionate in front of the kids, to the point that they groan with gagginess that we are "worse than newlyweds"... or my young daughter bemoaning: "not kissing again!"


3. Taking time out of a busy life to escape together to refind the lost magic... and find it... (now can we keep it from being lost again?) Sometimes it really does take the effort to "get away from it all" and leave kids, family, work, life behind, to find it.


4. Lingering in bed longer... enjoying the cuddles and closeness that comes when one doesn't just get up and go about the business of the day...


5. Talking more and being more open - still working on the honesty thing, (for example, she doesn't know about the beach thing in the previous post), but it's better than it has been, as the elephant-in-the-room is at least acknowledged instead of ignored or not even seen...


6. Doing more around the house, cooking meals, doing dishes, helping with the kids, being more available and sensitive to her needs - really goes a long way to improve a relationship...


7. Being there at a recent special event (that took a lot of personal commitment and time away from work and priorities) means a lot - something that rekindles affection and commitment to the courtship...


8. Dancing in the kitchen...


9. Dating again and do it because we really want to be together...


10. Anticipating future dates and get-aways (the joy is in the planning)...


11. Discovering each other anew with openness in intimacy (enough said)...


12. Rediscovering that she is beautiful (no she's not that young stud that turns my head, but she is still very beautiful in her own way) and becomes so with the mix of all of the above...


13. Running to the hot tub together...


14. Holding hands in the car...


15. Finding common interests beyond the kids (this has been a worry of ours, particularly as we approach the inevitable empty-nesterhood)...


16. Blogging less and not obsessing with this blog and community as before (not to say that I don't stick around and am not appreciative of what this community has done for me in coming to terms with who I am and what I am - I will be eternally grateful for that!!!! - but the obsession is gone - even though I'm still trying to get used to the fact that I don't receive the attention, accolades and lengthy comments as I used to, to posts since going private - oh the price one pays!)...


17. Falling in love again...


No, this doesn't mean that I'm cured of my angst. Just the opposite! The funny thing is... I still feel angsty and I still have my moments (almost all the time) of "Pon Farr" where all I want is to touch and be touched by a guy, or to just be around other men like me on a beach, or to feel a connection with a cyber boyfriend or lost Italian bromance. No, they are all still there and will be, I am convinced, for the rest of my life's journey...


But, it's funny that as things improve in my relationship with my wife, the homosexual feelings, attractions and desires for connections with men don't diminish - but proportionally seem not as severely out of balance. Does that make sense?


Some days, even with all the good that is happening in my marriage, I want nothing more than to be held by a guy and nothing else will suffice. Yet, THINGS HAVE CHANGED! Being held by my wife and feeling that renewed connection in so many ways, slaps me around a bit inside to realize:


I TRULY AM GRATEFUL FOR MY GREATEST BLESSING OF ALL - MY LOVER, MY COMPANION, MY WIFE.


Now, can I keep it? Can I hold on to it? Is this a facade? Is this a false hope? Or have I rekindled a romance and found a hope that I thought was lost?




HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!


7 comments:

Bravone said...

Sooo very happy for you!

Ned said...

Agree with Bravone. Hey you've cast your bread upon the water for many years. You've contributed much to the happiness and well being of your wife, your children, your extended family, your church, your community, your profession. It is only right that some of this good bread that you've cast upon the water comes back to you. I'm glad you see it, taste it, enjoy it.

Beck said...

Thanks to both of you, my friends, for your "happiness" for me, but...

neither of you answered any of my concluding questions: Can I hold on to this? Is this a false hope? Am I deceiving myself? Why do I feel like this is fleeting?

Just wondering your thoughts and suggestions...

Bravone said...

It can absolutely last if you continue on with the dedication and desire you began with. I truly believe it will become easier because she too will change as she feels your love and devotion.

BTW you both would love the Musical Matis Fireside this Friday. I'll send you a sneak preview. :)

Abelard Enigma said...

I too am very happy for you.

Sorry, I don't have any answers for you. But, it seems like it should be able to last; although, it will most certainly evolve over time.

J G-W said...

I too am happy for you... I've been worried about you for so long!

Am I mistaken? It sounds like your wife is becoming more OK with your acknowledgment of your same-sex orientation. It sounds like that's making it easier for the two of you to just relax together and enjoy each other's presence. That seems to be a key.

Beck said...

JGW: What is that that makes you worry about me? I'm doing well. Thank you for your concern. Maybe that is why I'm doing well!

Yes, my wife is becoming more comfortable in my sexual orientation, but maybe not in the sense that you or others might imagine. Instead of embracing it, she is accepting it for what it is, but is also working now, as we are more open in our conversations, to focus our attention on each other and strengthening our relationship (physical, intimate, emotional, spiritual) and all that is inherently good in it because of who we really are.

It does not mean that she is accepting of my relationships with other men, for example. Instead, she and I have agreed to put each other first and foremost in each other's lives and allow the rest to fall where they fall.

Whether that is a good thing or not I guess depends on your point of view. But from the last several months' experiences, I feel it is the right thing to do. Whether this is necessarily the path our lives will take from this point forward, remains to be seen. But for now, this is the path we are on.