If you knew me, really knew me, you would probably define me as being quite shy and introverted. My whole life I have been content to work alone and do my own thing. Social settings, particularly new ones, are very awkward for me (as they probably are for most) and I don't thrive on being the center of attention.
At the same time, I am able to rise above this natural tendency and be extroverted on an "as needed basis". For example, when my profession demands me to step up and do an oral presentation or interview and sell myself and my business, I am able to do so with confidence and passion and for the most part have been able to do so quite successfully. Or, when my church calling requires the same for me to be friendly and outgoing and loving of strangers and the lonely, I am able to put myself out there and overcome my shyness and lose myself in the "work".
Some see only the professional me at an interview confidently presenting my ideas, while others see only the church-calling me teaching gospel principles with ease and reaching out to the "one" effortlessly, and they think that this must be the "real me". In reality, it is hard for me to do it. But I can, and I enjoy when just for a moment I can be better than the natural shy me by extending myself beyond my comfort zones.
Why is it, then, that I can't do this to great looking, strong and beautiful men? Case in point: My sprinkler guy (the one who has triggered my current "gay pon farr"). My sprinkler guy (MSG) is one of the extremely beautiful, confident, strong men that we all love to just look at and adore. I met him a year ago last spring when he was recommended to work on some irrigation problems on our hillside.
To use a tired phrase that suits him completely - he is "drop dead gorgeous". It was all I could do last year to keep from staring at him and admiring him... his smile, his perfect rock-solid build, his sparkling eyes, his humility. I think the most beautiful thing about him is that he doesn't seem to know that he is so beautiful. His confidence and manner of carrying himself is strong, yet very polite, while his attitude is kind and sensitive. There is no arrogance or "better than you so don't even try to get to know the likes of me" aura about him. And maybe that's what I find so endearing.
Needless to say, last spring was a joy to behold his beauty... but he made me feel so introverted. He made me tongue-tied as I stumbled and stuttered when I spoke to him. I became nervous and uncomfortable and embarrassingly shy as I stood near him. He made me feel so awe-struck that it was difficult to function. I couldn't switch on my extroverted personality that I usually can "as needed". I was a total bumbling fool...
It's like the scene from "The Gods Must Be Crazy" where the field research zoologist becomes a bumbling idiot when he is in the presence of the new school teacher, and his whole world turns to disaster just seeing her. That's what it felt like.
Fast forward to last week... I had been digging in the garden and dug too deeply and broke a sprinkler pipe. So, I hesitated, but at my wife's insistence, I called MSG and to my surprise, he came that same day. When he knocked on my door, I answered and immediately began to babble and bumble my way through the description of the broken pipe, pointing awkwardly with my shaking and sweaty index finger to the garden on the hillside. MSG was ever more beautiful than before. His white smile, his sparkling eyes, his strong, golden-tanned toned body in a perfectly tight white tee-shirt... and he sported a little bit of a new, cute, small, golden-blond soul patch on his chin. It was de ja vue all over again. I became a complete idiot. He was so polite and kind and helpful, and maybe he felt something this time about me being so shy as he attempted to finish my incomplete sentences.
As I think about it, I get this way on a construction site, too. All my confidence and authority goes out the window when a great-looking guy walks into the construction trailer and I lose it.
So, is it just me, or is it common for you to become a complete idiot and introvert when you are talking with a really drop-dead gorgeous guy? Why do I do this? How come I can't turn on my extrovert-button and extend myself with more confidence when I'm around such guys? Why do I feel so stupid and bumbling? What's wrong with me? Is this still adolescent stuff that I can't get past? When in the world am I going to grow up and move on into adulthood and control my own destiny of my emotions?