Thursday, July 01, 2010
You still wonder...
So it's your anniversary? What's a guy supposed to do?
You linger in bed a little longer. She wakes you with a kiss and anniversary wish. And one thing leads to another... ending with a huge smile, a happy, heavy sigh, a bit of exhaustion, and a great follow-up cuddle. All is well with the universe and the gods smile down upon you. (This wasn't always the case - far from it. Most suggestions were met with frustration, non-interest, even out-right rejection. But, fortunately, it's different now).
You get off work early and pick up the special flowers at your favorite shop around the corner. You surprise her with your thoughtfulness and she greets you with a warm embrace and affectionate kiss and you dance a little in the kitchen, her arms draped around you.
You decide to "recommit your wedding vows", and you both dress up and find yourselves kneeling at the altar of the temple repeating the words "yes" at the appropriate time, again and again, yes in proxy for others, but more importantly recommitting for each other, staring into her eyes seeing her stare into yours - both seeing eternity.
You end the evening at a quiet restaurant, a romantic corner for two, with favorite foods and fond memories of the decades spent together cascading through the evening's conversation.
On the ride home, you hold hands in the car. You are quiet. All is well... She then says softly:
"I feel things are becoming right between us. Don't you?"
"Yes, I do," you respond, not sure of all of the meanings behind her words.
There is another silent pause of contemplation.
Then she adds: "I think you are coming back to me again. Am I right?"
"I am here!" you reply a bit emphatically.
"It's like we are learning all over again, and reconnecting. I'm not so afraid of the "boys" anymore. And that's a good thing."
"The boys?" you ask hesitantly.
"Yes, you know, your boyfriends from your past. I'm feeling okay. You're okay with it?"
"I haven't done anything more with them."
"I understand that. I'm just saying that I'm feeling okay with things as they are between us."
Nothing more is said. You wonder if you should have said something about still desiring "boyfriends" in your life, but you decide that now is not the time to discuss such a topic - not on this day, not at the end of a nice romantic evening (and morning) together.
You keep thinking about her intended unspoken message. Was it one of restoring trust and telling you that she's okay with you being who you are, and that she loves you all the more? Or was it saying that she felt you were moving beyond the need for "boyfriends" and that is why she's okay with them now?
You don't know. You wonder.
Yet, you are grateful for a wonderful day, and a celebration of a wonderful thing - 29 years of marriage. Not many MOMs can say that. You're an anomaly for sure, a rare breed, the exception to the rule, the "miracle". You don't feel that way, but statistics reveal the truth. And you shake your head and wonder - is there hope for the future, even eternity? Can you make it? Is it worth it? Will it last?
Funny thing is, you can't keep a vision of the same events celebrating the same day with the pronoun of "she" changing to "he" playing out the same play in your head.
You sigh... Despite it all, you still can't help but wonder. Some may tell you that you continue to fool yourself. Others try to convince you that you can't be truly happy - no gay man can truly be happy stuck in a mixed-oriented marriage. It just isn't possible! That said, you end the day grateful for the "she" in your life and the miracle that is your beating-the-odds of 29 years together.