So, the saga continues... and maybe it continues more than it should...
I was struggling with my conscience regarding what happened in the previous post. It happened and it was just that. But that said, it was something that I was uncomfortable with and something that I didn't feel good about with regards to my marriage.
After a great weekend and amazing closeness with my wife, I was feeling guilty (as I usually do) of having my encounter that I had and keeping it, and those like that, from her. Maybe due to the fact that my therapist is making me track my "guilt" and "hiding", such feelings were easily at the surface and I struggled with how to tell her without her getting all freaked out about it.
Come to find out as I woke up this morning, she suddenly confronted me with the question: "so are you meeting these MOHOs?" She woke up last night in a panic. Obviously, she had "connected the dots" and came to the realization that I wasn't just "chatting" and discussing things with fellow MOHOs, but that I was meeting up with MOHOs for lunch, etc. and she confronted me on this "connect the dot" process going through her mind.
So I told her the truth...well, at least mostly the truth... I told her that I had met up with a few MOHOs at various times for lunch. I didn't tell her about the hike. I didn't tell her about Scott and Sarah's party. I guess I'm scared to bear it all, even though that would probably be easier. I told her that these encounters were positive and family-affirming and faith-affirming.
Her reaction was as expected. I could have predicted it. She was shocked and hurt - not so much that I actually was doing such encounters, but because I would keep such information from her. I told her that I didn't want to hurt her and that I wanted to avoid such confrontations just as we were having.
She broke into tears and became very upset. I don't blame her. I was expecting it. She said I was being insensitive to her feelings and that I was being self-centered and selfish. As much as I tried to explain that these encounters were good and uplifting and supportive of my decisions to stay married and to stay with the family and to stay with the church, she couldn't see that position... otherwise, why would I be hiding these things from her.
I guess I was hiding these things from her because deep down I know that there is something fundamentally wrong about a gay guy meeting another gay guy with the potential of attractions becoming the issue or at least the focal point of our meeting, even though there is no intent to "hook up" with one another.
She did the quick reversal of "what if I were having lunch with a guy that was just a friend, how would you feel about that?" As much as I wanted to justify that it wasn't the same, I couldn't and admitted that she was right. There are limits to what one can and cannot do when one is married and the other spouse doesn't know or doesn't approve. I didn't know what to say.
She asked: "So what else are you hiding from me?" Though I mentioned blogs and commenting on MOHO blogs and chatting etc. I didn't mention that I had a specific blog - until now... and now she wonders why I need to blog about our private life. I'm wondering that, too. Why do I do this?
She hasn't asked to read it yet, and I haven't volunteered, describing it as a private journal and being on a private "invitation only" readership. Still, the thought has now arisen that I just click the "delete key" and end Beck once and for all.
I asked her what she wants from me... For now (and who knows if this evening will be different) she has set down the ground rules that :
1. I don't meet anyone of you for any reason anymore unless she knows and approves.
2. I only blog or chat if it is supportive and strengthening and focusing on our lives and marriage in a way that is not self-centered or selfish.
3. That I start being more honest and trustworthy.
4. That I continue therapy, only if such therapy will support the above. (NOTE: I suggested that maybe we go to couple's therapy together to work through these things - she wasn't eager but didn't reject it outright).
It's hard to argue with any of that... but I feel like I'm on trial. I've blown it in the fact that I've kept this community from her... Then I blew it when I told her about this community but didn't reveal that I had been meeting with some of you. And now she has her faith in me destroyed. She doesn't trust me. She feels I have been unfaithful. She thinks I am too self-centered and I am focusing way too much on this one aspect of who I am and I am allowing it to consume my every thought and action. She likes that I am more confident, but now everything is suspect, including losing weight, working out, getting a sun tan, etc... if it isn't for her, then it must be for my fellow MOHOs... I can't win. I can't even argue that these things are all making me feel better about me and that I am accepting my body image and my persona for the first time in my life... none of that matters. I'm not attracted to her and so I'm not focused on her and so everything else is focusing away from her... AARRGGHHH!!!
So now what do I do?