But, I'm blogging because my original intent was to use this to help me through some difficult decisions - life altering decisions - and I find myself still needing this tool to work through things because I'm a slow learner.
The lesson for the day: When you lie, you've always got to cover up your backside.
I have been caught in several lies lately. My wife remembers things that "just don't add up" or "just don't sound right" and now the connect-the-dots exercise is coming to fruition and the picture is forming and she sees the string of deceit, deception, dishonesty, and disloyalty.
I lie to avoid conflict. I lie to avoid hurt. I lie to avoid confrontation. I lie to avoid pain... In the end, the truth slowly comes out and there still remains the conflict, the hurt, the confrontation, the pain.
Having been caught, I fessed up to numerous encounters with gay men of this community, and even to having attended once the Scott-and-Sarah monthly party full of gay men. Again, it wasn't so much the thought of doing those things that bothered and hurt her, but it was the string of lies and the lack of trust shown on my part - particularly not trusting her with the truth, or giving her the chance to handle the truth. By telling lies, I excluded her from these choices I was making, even if those choices were good choices, reaffirming choices, choices that focused me back to her instead of away from her.
Some may view her list of expectations (as noted in my previous post) as a "lock-and-chain" attitude, where no real agency can exist.
One anonymous commenter emailed me and said:
Here is one response (to her):
If marriage is going to be a lock and chain and I have no freedom to meet friends that I choose or write in the privacy of my own diary, then I can't live with that.
I promise you I will not break the vows of sexual fidelity, but I don't promise not to hug someone or be friends with someone. You have the same freedom I do. I am committed to our family and to you. And you simply will have to trust me. I am not going to be locked and chained around your ankle so you can watch me constantly.
You can tell me what you want me to do as you have, but I can't live with that kind of loss of my personal agency.
I see this viewpoint. I really do, and I understand it and the wisdom behind it. To make such a statement I would have to be trustworthy to expect trust in my choices, but so far my way about accomplishing these things has been anything but trustworthy. Thus, I also see her viewpoint that my shutting her out by not being honest has focused my choices on what is best for myself and not what is best for us.
So, how can I have both? How can I restore trust once it is lost? How can I have a free exercise of agency and freedom while not being self-centered and selfish? Is one exclusive of the other? Can I place my needs above hers? above what is best for us?
I'm tired of the facade. I'm tired of telling lies and covering my backside. I'm tired of hurting her as step-by-step she finds out more about my deception.
Is there any way that this downhill slide can turn around?