Friday, January 16, 2009

A couple of awkward moments of a queer mind...

Recently, I had an discussion with a fellow MOHO where he shared about a straight coworker commenting to him how inferior a man's body is to "a woman's beautiful curves" and how it is so "voluptuous". I was puzzled for I had thought that straight guys were envious and covetous of the straight lines and wash-board abs and well defined muscles of a great in-shape guy. Is that not true? Do straight guys really not notice and don't see the amazing beauty of a really fit guy?

I mean, I can still recognize the beauty of the female form, though it doesn't make me tingle all over, but don't straight guys get off on admiring the beauty of the male form?


What's strange, is the day before this conversation, my wife and I were hugging, trying to bond, and she whispered something like:

"Don't you like that I'm curvy and round? Or would you prefer me more angular and square like guys?"

At this point, I didn't know what to say... Her comment really took me back. In one sense, it is good that she is trying to relate with me and understand me and appreciate my gayness, but in another sense it shows her vulnerability and her longing for me to appreciate and love and adore her for who she is - a woman and not a man. But this is all good, right? It was one of those awkward moments, however, where a guy knows that if he tells the truth, he'll be in trouble when his wife comes in modeling a new dress and asks if it makes her look fat - and so, I just kept hugging her, while I think of what "angular and "square-shaped" guys look like, and eventually I smile and whisper:

"I like you just the way you are".

How could I tell her that I think those more angular and square-shaped guys are hot and electrifying? I mean, she knows I do, but I still can't say it (or should I?) But, I don't want her to look that way... I want me to look that way!


I wonder if we'll ever get to the point in our marriage where I can have her sit with me at an airport terminal watching the parade of male humanity walking by and rate the guys WITH her and debate what is male beauty. I mean, could that happen?


Anyway, with those thoughts on my mind, virtuous or otherwise, I took them into the temple yesterday to do Initiatory. I love doing Initiatory as there is something about being directly spoken to face to face, eyes to eyes and being instructed and blessed with amazing promises and eternal potential that we all have. So, the officiators are all 70-somethings, bald and grey, and I found my thoughts wandering through a couple of cycles thinking what they must have looked like some 50 years ago... and for the most part, I thought this was a terrible thought to have in the temple, and I tried to concentrate on what I should be concentrating on, but they kept staring at me directly and intently and I couldn't stop the thought - so I gave in and concluded that one of the men could have been pretty hot in his day. No, I wasn't hitting on him or trying to get a pick-up in the temple with an older man, but I was having an awkward moment of thoughts that could have imagined him being a catch. Was that inappropriate? Should I admit such things? Oh well, they are what they are...


I don't know where I'm going with this other than to say that I'm warped and strange and queer and I do notice and continue to be attracted to the amazing beauty of the male form, and yet I'm laughing it off and not beating up myself for allowing such mind-wanderings. I mean, should I?


Abelard Enigma said...

Women are soft and squishy. They're like flowers - they're pretty and they smell nice.

Men, on the other hand, ... well, I won't go there.

Beck said...

Com'on, Abe... finish the metaphor. I dare ya...

Public Loneliness said...

Hi Beck...I have to LOL at your random thoughts. I have those conversations with myself all time and sometimes with the dog; he's a great listener but I hope he never starts answering back : )

Hugs, PL

Silver said...

Provocative thoughts Beck. I think it's okay to look at an older man and wonder if he was hot when he was young. I don't really like those pictures in the obituaries where they show the guy when he was young and hot and then show him toothless and ragged in his 90's. I don't find that to be encouraging at all! Sad what life does to us.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We all have very diverse tastes and preferences. That is what makes a ball game as they say. I do think that straight guys can appreciate male beauty, but I'm always amazed that another man, a straight man, can be so much more excited about his snowmobile, his football team or his horse than his wife. A lot of straight guys seem to be much more motivated by their hobbies, jobs, toys, tools and any number of ambitions. Some of them don't seem to think all that much about sex be it opposite of same. I don't get it!!

My wife and I sometimes size up the waiters in restaurants or men in other very public places. We found that our tastes are similar. I like guys that look like me (a hotter version of me) and so does she. At least we agree on what is hot ;) It is kind of weird when we go there and it makes her uncomfortable if I dwell on it.

She will never again be confident that she is my first choice. I lover her so deeply and it hurts me that the truth is, I prefer men. I wish I could change that, but in the words of a dear friend of mine "I don't get to choose, that's just the way it is for me." Those were really well put words. Incidently, he is young and hot and he completely loves older men. He just isn't attracted to younger men, so he doesn't get to choose. Further proof that it's really a pretty weird and very individual dynamic, this sexual attraction thing.

Abe, I don't know how it is for other men, but I'm not repulsed at all by my wife or by women. I appreciate the difference in the sexes. I appreciate the beauty, the soft and the squishy. I like the softness, the nice smells and the beauty. I count that a blessing. There isn't a total disconnect for me from her, sexually. I lover her for her qualities, I just have this problem of much preffering the feel, the look and the smell of a man.

Beck, I find the male figure amazing, facinating and irresistable. I guess those straight guys just take all that for granted and they'de rather be out riding their motorcycle or something. I don't get it.

Love your posts.

Sarah said...

I think there is hope that you and your wife can enjoy the airport activity together. Scott and I don't officially rate guys like you do, but I don't hesitate to begin the conversation with him about who is cute and such when we are watching TV or something. We enjoyed watching the men's Olympic events together. :)

But of course, I am one of a kind, blah, blah, blah. I will pray for your wife to be like me someday.

Beck said...

PL: Random thoughts, though dangerous in exposing too much of one's subconscious mind, are the best kind - they are real and uncensored.

I've been known to talk to the dog as well. She talks back but I don't understand her all the time.

SILVER: Thanks for your comments and seeing through the random thoughts that create awkward moments.

Your thoughts on the male form, on opening to your wife about what you mutually find attractive, and not understanding our straight male counterparts - all ring true and real and so familiar. I sometimes need to be assured that I'm not the only one out here thinking this way. Keep hanging in there, working toward more understanding and acceptance.

Beck said...

SARAH: I hope some day to be able to have the relationship you have with Scott. I contemplate the scene of my wife and I arguing over whether a certain guy was a 4 or a 5 (on a scale of 5) and who thinks who is hot. Now that will be the day when our acceptance of each other and our commitment to each other reaches it's zenith!

I continue to be grateful for your prayers.

Abelard Enigma said...

Com'on, Abe... finish the metaphor. I dare ya...

Men are like a snickers bar - so satisfyingly good, yet so bad for me at the same time :)

Beck said...

I love Snickers! :)

Silver said...

On the topic of Snickers...Just had to share this little piece of humor...At the risk of being offensive..check out this link.

You may have to paste it into your browser.

Gay rights activists called it homophobic and insisted that it be pulled from the air, I however find it to be histerically funny.
If you can't laugh at yourself...

Forgive me.


Bror said...

Silver: Your right, that ad is funnier than hell. Snickers in my favorite candy bar too.