Recently, I had an discussion with a fellow MOHO where he shared about a straight coworker commenting to him how inferior a man's body is to "a woman's beautiful curves" and how it is so "voluptuous". I was puzzled for I had thought that straight guys were envious and covetous of the straight lines and wash-board abs and well defined muscles of a great in-shape guy. Is that not true? Do straight guys really not notice and don't see the amazing beauty of a really fit guy?
I mean, I can still recognize the beauty of the female form, though it doesn't make me tingle all over, but don't straight guys get off on admiring the beauty of the male form?
What's strange, is the day before this conversation, my wife and I were hugging, trying to bond, and she whispered something like:
"Don't you like that I'm curvy and round? Or would you prefer me more angular and square like guys?"
At this point, I didn't know what to say... Her comment really took me back. In one sense, it is good that she is trying to relate with me and understand me and appreciate my gayness, but in another sense it shows her vulnerability and her longing for me to appreciate and love and adore her for who she is - a woman and not a man. But this is all good, right? It was one of those awkward moments, however, where a guy knows that if he tells the truth, he'll be in trouble when his wife comes in modeling a new dress and asks if it makes her look fat - and so, I just kept hugging her, while I think of what "angular and "square-shaped" guys look like, and eventually I smile and whisper:
"I like you just the way you are".
How could I tell her that I think those more angular and square-shaped guys are hot and electrifying? I mean, she knows I do, but I still can't say it (or should I?) But, I don't want her to look that way... I want me to look that way!
I wonder if we'll ever get to the point in our marriage where I can have her sit with me at an airport terminal watching the parade of male humanity walking by and rate the guys WITH her and debate what is male beauty. I mean, could that happen?
Anyway, with those thoughts on my mind, virtuous or otherwise, I took them into the temple yesterday to do Initiatory. I love doing Initiatory as there is something about being directly spoken to face to face, eyes to eyes and being instructed and blessed with amazing promises and eternal potential that we all have. So, the officiators are all 70-somethings, bald and grey, and I found my thoughts wandering through a couple of cycles thinking what they must have looked like some 50 years ago... and for the most part, I thought this was a terrible thought to have in the temple, and I tried to concentrate on what I should be concentrating on, but they kept staring at me directly and intently and I couldn't stop the thought - so I gave in and concluded that one of the men could have been pretty hot in his day. No, I wasn't hitting on him or trying to get a pick-up in the temple with an older man, but I was having an awkward moment of thoughts that could have imagined him being a catch. Was that inappropriate? Should I admit such things? Oh well, they are what they are...
I don't know where I'm going with this other than to say that I'm warped and strange and queer and I do notice and continue to be attracted to the amazing beauty of the male form, and yet I'm laughing it off and not beating up myself for allowing such mind-wanderings. I mean, should I?