Today marks the 4th anniversary of the longest day of my life - probably not as long as Jack Bauer's - but just about. It was four years ago today that I told my wife everything about my attractions. In some ways, that seems so long ago and in such a different world than here and now, and yet in other ways it feels like yesterday.
Though at the time I didn't see how, we did survive and we have become stronger and better in many ways that were unforeseen. That said, it still is difficult to discuss without the pain and emotions recurring from that first revelation. Even though I never hid the fact that I had a thing for guys - it's obvious if you just watch me a few hours - it was never stated in such black-and-white terms like it was on Jan 2nd 2005.
Was that the right thing to do? Why am I still doubting? Are we better for it - yes. Do I regret it - no. It needed to be said. We were on the road to inevitable divorce as I had pulled so far away from her that I was unable to reach out to her. This "issue" gave a name to our problem and brought us back together, much stronger than before - so, no, I don't regret it.
But, ever since then, I feel like I'm living my life constantly looking over my shoulder, and constantly wondering what she is thinking as I linger longer with Tim, Will or any other attractive male. I am living my life constantly wondering what she is thinking... and I'm tired of it. I've tried to be as faithful as I can be, never giving her a reason to not trust me, but my fantasy feelings inside me trigger the guilt and that guilt makes me suspicious and then I fear and then I hide and then I revert to pulling back and away from her and the cycle continues... the previous post being an example thereof.
So, now I find out that my sister has started to "chat" with Thomas - yes, my Thomas all the way over in Italy - through her Facebook account. In some ways, this Internet is an amazing miracle, but how small does the world have to become? Thomas had mentioned to me that she had asked him to be her "friend". I didn't think much of it as my "face" is not in that "book", but when she told me that they were "talking" I started to flinch inside and my stomach turned with pangs of guilt and I couldn't help but have two reactions:
1) Why was she making this connection right here and now? Though she knew Thomas - I had introduced them years ago when he was first married - she hadn't talked about him or made any reference to him for decades, and now, just as I am reconnected in a whole new level of our relationship, she comes on board my ship? This makes me jealous and envious... He's my friend, not hers, so "go find your own friends", sis. I mean - shouldn't I be glad my sister is making friends with my dearest friend? Shouldn't I want that? So why I do fear this and feel guilty? Why do I feel like she's just caught me with my pants down... (when she did tell me, I just stared at her cold faced, as I tried desperately to not turn white with panic. She wanted me to be excited and I just mumbled something and tried to change the subject - I didn't know what to say - even though I have nothing to hide and I've done nothing but come to love him as more than a friend and that love has lasted nearly three decades - is that something to be ashamed of or afraid of? So why was that my immediate reaction? What a way to live *sigh*).
2) What will he tell her about us? Though I trust him completely with the level of intimate thoughts I've shared with him and he with me, it still twings my heart and makes me begin to panic and look over my shoulder. I am convinced he will keep my confidences, as I swear to keep his, but just the idea that they are "talking" makes me fear and feel vulnerable. Obviously, I am not "out" to my sister - though she probably has been given enough information over the years to put it together if she wants to see it - and right now I feel no desire to complicate things by being "out" to her or to any of my family as I see no purpose for such revelations to complicate my own relationship with my wife and kids... but now this creates a connection I thought I was safe to avoid.
This gay guy absolutely loves the macho Buorne Identity films. But as I think about it, I feel like I'm Jason Bourne, clinging desperately with my fingertips to a building reglet reveal, constantly on the look-out, looking over my shoulder for the next surprise or attack of someone knowing my true identity. Or maybe I sympathize with Bill Clinton who was constantly worried about the next "bimbo-eruption". Either way, I'm hiding something and I'm constantly looking over my shoulder for fear of being found out...
Scot mentions that this is not the way he'd choose to live his life. Well, it's a hell of a way to live and again, I'm tired of feeling guilty for just being ME, and consistently looking over my shoulder...
I'm so tired...