Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Did I tell you that I absolutely hate stupid ward parties that try to have some "gospel purpose" of service or social interaction with those you don't want to be social with and really amount to nothing but everyone coming out of obligation?

Tonight is "Trunk-or-Treat" night at the ward. Children and adults alike will be dressing up. So, I decided that since I am gay and since I can't "be" gay, then at least I can "pretend to be" gay. And what better time than at Halloween where inhibitions are thrown out the window and we can become our alter-egos?

I love my low-rise jeans! I love the way they make me feel. I like that I CAN wear them! At first I was embarrassed to wear them, but when no one said anything about them, I decided they were no big deal and I could get away with wearing them after all. So I'm going to wear my low-rise jeans really low, along with my super tight Italian muscle-sleeveless shirt (I've been working out on my upper arms and not nearly as ashamed of them as a few months ago - still a long way to go, but at least now they've got some shape and cut to them), my hooped earrings in each ear, guyliner and a touch of manscara on, and my hair messed in a faux mohawk.

If anyone asks "what" I am, I'll say that I'm a confused-gayboy-looking-for-a-boyfriend (which is the truth), kind of like an ironic coming out. And, if I chicken out, then I guess I can say that I'm a guy-in-the-middle-of-a-serious-midlife-crisis. Since my wife and kids are out of town and I'm stuck going anyway (because I have one of those obligation assignments to fulfill), all the more reason to go for it!

So what do you think? Should I do it?

It's so pathetic that I am so dishonest with who I am, that I'm reduced to this thought process of adolescent game-playing manifestation of a serious crisis boiling inside me....


Kengo Biddles said...

Definitely go the mid-life crisis route, unless you want to come out to your ward...

Beck said...

At my age, there really isn't that big of difference between the two! :(

And it's not like I'll be "coming out" as I'll be "pretending to be coming out". And if anyone pushes the issue and thinks that there may be a double meaning, then so be it, right?

Bravone said...

Being the ward activities chairman, I resemble your remarks! I hate going myself. If you must go.....go for it! I will be passing through town tomorrow, so wear the costume to bed (you might have some more interesting dreams) and I will stop by and check it out!

Anonymous said...

call in sick

Abelard Enigma said...

And to think all I did was put on my star trek captain's uniform at our ward Halloween party.

We held our ward "Fall Festival" (they didn't want to call it 'Halloween') at an old farm owned by the city historical society. We had hay rides, homemade rootbeer, yada, yada, yada - plus we collected canned goods for the local food bank. All in all, I think it was actually a pretty successful activity. I didn't hate it as much as I thought I would :)

Maybe yours won't be so bad either.

Peter said...

Honestly, I don't think its a good idea. Given the culture climate that the Church has and the fear people have of their children being influenced etc. etc. etc., I think it would be inappropriate. The fact that you are doing it without your wife present at the event compounds the inappropriateness of it. Joking that you are leaving your wife in a mid-life crisis or are looking for a boyfriend without your wife there to laugh (if she would laugh) is just not a good idea. Even as a joke or pretend or whatever.

If you need to express a gay side of you, I suggest dressing up as a celibrity that exudes that- like Clay Aiken or Elton John, or better yet a character that exudes that, like a character from Hairspray. Those seem like more appropriate outlets for your angst.

[kɹeɪ̯ɡ̊] said...

I agree with Peter.

Scott said...

I was going to say "Go for it!", but Peter may have a point...

I'm not sure about the "gayboy" part, but if you're looking for an excuse to wear earrings, eyeliner and mascara there are other possibilities... Pirate, rocker dude... be creative.

Or... just Go for it!

Beck said...

BRAVONE: I soooo do not envy your current calling and pray that you will endure it well. If you do stop, I'm sure it will scare you to think how far I've come from where I once was...

SANTORIO: I may just do that if I chicken out.

ABE: Ours isn't so noble of a cause. It's all for the "safety" of the little ones to have a controlled environment to load up on sugar!

Abelard Enigma said...

there are other possibilities... Pirate ...

Oh, definitely go as a pirate! Then you could wear your big loop earrings, mascara, and sashay around like Johnny Depp. What could possibly be more gay while keeping everyone around you oblivious?

Hmmmm, why didn't I think of that earlier. Maybe next year ...

Beck said...

PETER and SCOTT: Dressing up like Clay Aiken or Elton John or a pirate or rocker dude just doesn't have the political and personal edge to it - you know what I mean?

You make, however, a good point of joking about leaving my wife possibly isn't the best way to have Halloween fun. And creating a moral dilemma for the Primary kids may be pushing it a bit...

But, don't worry... I'll probably do what Santorio suggests and stay home and not fulfill my assignment and watch a bad movie alone with my low-risers on.

Now, on second thought, if I had a bromance buddy to go with, we could pull off the gig even better, no?

Beck said...

"What could possibly be more gay while keeping everyone around you oblivious?"

But, you, along with most everyone else, are missing the point!!! The point is to be personally reflective - you know - he who has ears to hear, let him hear. Get it?

Philip said...

Your post brought back memories of the Catholic Priest I met a few years back at a gay bar on Halloween. I felt dressing up as a Priest was sacrilegious but was impressed nonetheless by the authenticity of his costume. When I told him that, he fessed up. Told me it was the only time of the year he felt comfortable going to gay bars.


Serendipity said...

Scott went as a vampire to a family party Sunday night. He wore guyliner for that, and it was pretty hot. His brother's wife asked me if I had read the "Twilight" books. When I said no, she said, "If you had, he would be looking pretty sexy to you right now." I didn't mention that he was, regardless. :)

MoHoHawaii said...

Wow. Just wow.

I don't think you should do it for all the reasons mentioned above, but if you do decide to go through with it, be sure to wear a "No on 8" button and a rainbow pin. :-)

It's weird that even on Halloween the Church does not allow any crossdressing. Yes to vampires but no to Cher? What is this world coming to?

Beck said...

PHILIP: I love your story! It fits the spirit of the season and this post.

DIP: I'm trying to imagine Scott in guyliner.... hmmm... you're right, he would be sexy! :)

MOHOH: I've only got just over an hour to get ready and you've just added the perfect touch - but better than a "No on 8" button, how about a banner sign?

Public Loneliness said...

Three words:


We know you'll be wearing those low-rise jeans whether you go or not, so if you really want to be adventurous post some for your fan club here!!!

Beck said...

"...if you really want to be adventurous post some (photos) for your fan club here!!!

hmmm... well, I'll have to think about that.

No. 1 - I'm not sure I have a "fan club", but thanks for the flattery. It feels good.

No. 2 - I am still anonymous (even if thinly cloaked) and wouldn't want to blow my cover.

and No 3 - I'm afraid you'd all start breaking out laughing!

Bror said...

No laughing here bud, I am just sad to miss the party at which you will rule. :)

Anonymous said...


I hope you post tomorrow and let us know what you decided to do!

I echo Public Lonliness for pictures...perhaps just of the jeans....no face and you can still be anonymous. Or not if you're not comfortable.

And yes you have a fan club! I'm a huge fan! Of your choices and of your convictions and of your personality!

I cannot WAIT to hear what happens!

Brief story. When I was 14 and the Teachers Quorum president we were assigned to do a video for the ward Halloween party (I think).

A couple of years before my Mom had been in Young Womens and they had this melodramatic play they did. I was lazy and didn't want to work at it so I used that script and had the teachers in their moms dresses...even got one of the dads to play the hero.

I was meant to be sort of funny. It wasn't. No one laughed...no one got it. Now when I think about it I laugh alot. I had the whole Teachers Quorum in dresses and I was shocked when people weren't surprised I came out of the closet.


Anonymous said...


And anyone else who cares...

Your friend is right...the Twilight Books are awesome and you should read them.

We'll all be on the hunt for our Edward. LOL


Philip said...


Nobody has mentioned this so I'll bring it up.

Maybe "Trunk-or-Treat" is just an excuse for you to do what you want to do anyway.

Maybe what's really happening is that you've arrived at a place where you want or need to be out more than you already are.

And maybe one area that you especially want or need to come out in is the Church community that gives you a lot of love and support.

I came out in phases. First, only my wife. Then other gay people. Finally, some straight people not my family. Then my family. Then coworkers. Then the world. Each time it was emotionally difficult but looking back I could have taken steps to make each transition so much easier.

I just don't know if emotionally I would been able to take those steps. In other words, maybe the only way I could have come out each time was in the messy way I did come out.

What I am trying to say is that if you are in that place then there are dumb ways to do it, dumber ways to do it, smart ways to do it and smarter ways to do it -but- maybe I am naiive to think that people can be rational about such an emotional process.

For instance, one thing is to be smart about who you come out to so you are dealing with people that will support rather than hinder your coming out process.

Just something to consider...


Beck said...

PHILIP said: "Maybe "Trunk-or-Treat" is just an excuse for you to do what you want to do anyway."

I've been giving this a lot of thought and at first it feels like I'm just being adolescently stupid, but deep down there is another emotion here. It is that of wanting to express and give voice and have noticed another aspect of "who I am". And when Trunk-or-Treat comes around and we, as a society are given the opportunity to "be someone else" it gives me the excuse to "be myself". So, yes, you're spot on!

"...Maybe what's really happening is that you've arrived at a place where you want or need to be out more than you already are. And maybe one area that you especially want or need to come out in is the Church community that gives you a lot of love and support."

I've thought about this one, too. I don't have large social circles. I have my immediate family, my neighborhood, my work associates and clients, my ward, and you MOHOs. Not a lot else. And yes, a big part of my life is my church associations. They aren't just a Sunday thing - they are a network of support and love and associations of fellowship and brotherhood and sisterhood. So, obviously, subconsciously, I would want to be accepted, understood, and appreciated for "who I am" by those that I esteem and love.

But, I can't do it... meaning I can't do it fully and properly, so I do these little idiotic behaviors along the way to give a hint to whoever cares enough to notice.

And so, Philip, I think you've got me pegged pretty well... You've been there, done that. And I appreciate that you aren't laughing at me as I stumble through this anxiety-charged time where follies and foolishness seem to dominate.