Saturday, October 25, 2008
"Beck, are you happy?"
Okay, so I'm soooo gay, and most everyone knows it whether they'll tell it to my face or not (including my family, my neighbors, my ward members and even my fellow High Priests (though they really don't have a clue)). And if I did come out, there wouldn't be that big of a shock (other than that I've been married for 27 years and have played the straight guy to the best of my ability).
And I didn't choose to be gay, but I have chosen not to be extra gay.
Though I'm longing for that which I can't have, or be that which I can't be, I am content with who I am. But, Damon asked "Beck, are you happy?"
I don't know how to answer that question. I am happy most of the time. I like my life and I've learned to like myself - despite many shortcomings. I feel like I know who I am and I know where I'm going. I have felt joy with my wife, with my kids, with my testimony. I have felt extreme love and have loved extremely. I also feel at times lonely, confused, frustrated - because I live this longing life and wear this constant disguise, and at times, it becomes so fatiguing. I'm so tired.
But am I happy? I don't really know. At times, yes. I'm mainly "okay". When someone asks how I am, I typically answer "okay". I'm not depressed. I do desire to get out of bed each day and be self-confident, and do my best.
I mean, really, who is happy? (And don't say the authentic person who is honest with himself). I know who I am and striving to be who I am is all I can do.
But am I happy?
I don't know... what do you think, knowing what you know about me?
And, are you happy?