I had a really vivid dream last night. I can't seem to concentrate and get to work this morning until I write it down. I'm hesitant to do so. I'll try to not be too graphic. NOTE: remember this is my subconscious mind speaking so promise not to laugh as I feel very vulnerable here....
I know I had been married, but like usual in my dreams, my wife wasn't in the picture. I did have kids and a past life of commitment to my family as that became key later.
I was escorted by my sister to an MTC of sorts for gay men. It was something that she had volunteered for me to do. I don't remember signing up for this and I was very confused why I was there. There were lots of beautiful guys there in the orientation room with their families, most 20-something young, fit and attractive. My sister was the only family member with me, giving me moral support and encouraging me that everything would be okay, noting how nervous and confused I seemed.
After the orientation and debriefing, I was paired off with a "companion". We were told that we would needed to be with our companion at all times. I kept thinking I was going on a mission of some sort, but it wasn't really a mission as much as a relationship program. When I looked at my companion, he was a 20-something good looking confident guy that had on a really tight tee shirt showing a well-trained body. He obviously was the "experienced" one of the two of us. When I looked at me, I was still normal me, but I was younger in appearance maybe by 10 years or so, but still older than most around me.
We had been paired as companions from a computer survey. Those that lacked confidence and self-assurance, but who had learned the value of commitment, were coupled with those that oozed with self-confidence and self-assuredness, but lacked the value of commitment in a relationship. We were to "teach each other" the strengths we brought to the companionship and would be observed by the organizers.
The buff brick walls, and sterile cafeteria, and stark training rooms and institutional environment were exactly out of the image of the MTC. But, we could eat all that we wanted and exercise in the fitness room (where my companion would help me train properly and lift weights, like my own personal trainer) - kind of like a cruise - and had less rules than "missionaries", but we couldn't leave the compound until the "lessons" were learned and we had to stay with our companion. One difference was our room had a single bed and we had to share it.
The first night I slept on the floor. He tried to coax me to sleep with him but I couldn't, and so he slept on the floor as well. I liked that. He was okay with who he was and he was so confident and masculine and beautiful. I felt dorky and shy and backward, but he appreciated my sensitive side and we talked that first night on the floor and became friends.
Over the course of a few days, we'd attend classes and were taught how to have a meaningful gay relationship. We'd learn and practice how to be good partners with each other. Some of the confident-type guys didn't like their committed-type companions and they'd start coupling up with similar types and were expelled from the program. I asked my companion if he wanted to leave me and he said no. This made me happy.
At first I was scared to touch him or sleep with him, but he "taught" me not to be afraid and we began to put into practice what we had been taught - leading step by step to more and more touch and intimacy. I was to teach him about commitment, but all I could think about was craving to learn from him on how to be intimate with a man.
He wanted to go fast and I kept wanting to take it slowly and know that if we kissed it was because there was meaning behind it. This frustrated him at first, and me, too (as he was sooo perfect and I wanted to be with him) but somehow I couldn't just do it to have a little fun - it had to be real and amazingly, he started to respect that and understand from where I was coming. So, we learned from each other, until it became really intense and sexual and...
And then I woke up in a panic. It was 4:00AM this morning and I was sweating. I tried to go back to sleep and pick up where I was, but I couldn't. It was gone, but all the feelings and emotions and passions of a real gay relationship were floating through my mind and they still are even now as I can't think of much of anything else.
Pretty weird, eh?