Monday, October 20, 2008

A pretty weird dream...

I had a really vivid dream last night. I can't seem to concentrate and get to work this morning until I write it down. I'm hesitant to do so. I'll try to not be too graphic. NOTE: remember this is my subconscious mind speaking so promise not to laugh as I feel very vulnerable here....

I know I had been married, but like usual in my dreams, my wife wasn't in the picture. I did have kids and a past life of commitment to my family as that became key later.

I was escorted by my sister to an MTC of sorts for gay men. It was something that she had volunteered for me to do. I don't remember signing up for this and I was very confused why I was there. There were lots of beautiful guys there in the orientation room with their families, most 20-something young, fit and attractive. My sister was the only family member with me, giving me moral support and encouraging me that everything would be okay, noting how nervous and confused I seemed.

After the orientation and debriefing, I was paired off with a "companion". We were told that we would needed to be with our companion at all times. I kept thinking I was going on a mission of some sort, but it wasn't really a mission as much as a relationship program. When I looked at my companion, he was a 20-something good looking confident guy that had on a really tight tee shirt showing a well-trained body. He obviously was the "experienced" one of the two of us. When I looked at me, I was still normal me, but I was younger in appearance maybe by 10 years or so, but still older than most around me.

We had been paired as companions from a computer survey. Those that lacked confidence and self-assurance, but who had learned the value of commitment, were coupled with those that oozed with self-confidence and self-assuredness, but lacked the value of commitment in a relationship. We were to "teach each other" the strengths we brought to the companionship and would be observed by the organizers.

The buff brick walls, and sterile cafeteria, and stark training rooms and institutional environment were exactly out of the image of the MTC. But, we could eat all that we wanted and exercise in the fitness room (where my companion would help me train properly and lift weights, like my own personal trainer) - kind of like a cruise - and had less rules than "missionaries", but we couldn't leave the compound until the "lessons" were learned and we had to stay with our companion. One difference was our room had a single bed and we had to share it.

The first night I slept on the floor. He tried to coax me to sleep with him but I couldn't, and so he slept on the floor as well. I liked that. He was okay with who he was and he was so confident and masculine and beautiful. I felt dorky and shy and backward, but he appreciated my sensitive side and we talked that first night on the floor and became friends.

Over the course of a few days, we'd attend classes and were taught how to have a meaningful gay relationship. We'd learn and practice how to be good partners with each other. Some of the confident-type guys didn't like their committed-type companions and they'd start coupling up with similar types and were expelled from the program. I asked my companion if he wanted to leave me and he said no. This made me happy.

At first I was scared to touch him or sleep with him, but he "taught" me not to be afraid and we began to put into practice what we had been taught - leading step by step to more and more touch and intimacy. I was to teach him about commitment, but all I could think about was craving to learn from him on how to be intimate with a man.

He wanted to go fast and I kept wanting to take it slowly and know that if we kissed it was because there was meaning behind it. This frustrated him at first, and me, too (as he was sooo perfect and I wanted to be with him) but somehow I couldn't just do it to have a little fun - it had to be real and amazingly, he started to respect that and understand from where I was coming. So, we learned from each other, until it became really intense and sexual and...

And then I woke up in a panic. It was 4:00AM this morning and I was sweating. I tried to go back to sleep and pick up where I was, but I couldn't. It was gone, but all the feelings and emotions and passions of a real gay relationship were floating through my mind and they still are even now as I can't think of much of anything else.

Pretty weird, eh?

Any feedback?


Abelard Enigma said...

So, where do I sign up for one of these "relationship missions"?

Kengo Biddles said...

Yes. Those dreams are definitely not high on my "favorite list." They're high on my "guilty favorite list".

Philip said...

My vivid dreams are often highly symbolic and pretty obvious symbolism at that. However, sometimes I can't make sense of any of it. What usually helps is to recall the emotions I felt at the exact moment the symbol appeared then link the symbolism to the emotions. It then often makes perfect sense in a wholely emotional way.

How do you interpret your dream?


Bravone said...

Wow! Did you get up and take a cold shower?

Peter said...

It seems like you may be grieving an experience you never had but wish you would have. Obviously the time for that experience is past, so maybe this dream is your mind feigning a memory to compensate.

Scott said...

It's your dream, so it's up to you to interpret it...

But if it had been my dream, I think that I would put on my "wishful thinking" cap and hope that I was a "visionary man".

Think about it: you've got same-sex couples in a situation where monogamy is encouraged and expected. The value of long-term commitment is recognized, as well as the importance of building the confidence and self-esteem of those who lack them.

All of this is in an environment that is reminiscent of the MTC, a place which I'm sure has spiritual significance to you.

Isn't it obvious? It's prophetic evidence of a future where same-sex relationships are embraced and encouraged in the Church and efforts are made to rebuild the confidence of those who have suffered through decades of negativity and homophobia.

Okay. I'm taking my tongue out of my cheek now. :)

A.J. said...

Wow do they have a program for the sisters?! I'd sign up if I wasn't married.

playasinmar said...

You are soooo gay. At least, your brain and physiological reactions all seem to think so.

By the way, two words and two words alone describe this sentence fragment "After the orientation and debriefing..."

Epic Win

MoHoHawaii said...

This is truly twisted. Of course, I mean that as high praise. :- )

My favorite part: "I tried to go back to sleep and pick up where I was..."


Sounds like a great dream.

Silver said...

I just want to know what you had for dinner or drank or smoked the night before. I want to have a dream like this...I'd try to go back to sleep too.

Actually, I think Scott's interpretation most be pretty close to reality..

We can only hope that in the next life....

Beck said...

ABE: I'll go to sleep tonight and let you know.

KENGO: Guilty is right.

PHILIP: I'm working on an interpretation. I don't know how symbolic this is as warped.

BRAVONE: *sigh* I needed to.

PETER: I'm obviously longing for an experience I never had. There is always a longing for what hasn't been realized.

SCOTT: I think I can squarely blame you for the dream. Your comment on "confident men" got me thinking and I think it triggered it... As to your interpretation, it may be close, tongue firmly in cheek or not.

AJ: Sorry, in my dream, there were no women, except for my sister at the beginning. Actually having my sister there to represent my family has been causing me deep contemplation today. I haven't thought of her being open to my being gay, but this has triggered me to think that of all my family members, she may be the most accepting.

PLAYA: Good to see you checking in again. I've missed your input and dry humor. And thank you for confirming that I'm "soooo gay". I think if this doesn't confirm it nothing will... but, it's still nice to hear someone else offer the confirmation!

MOHOH: I can't even begin to explain how twisted my subconscious mind has become. Is it for years of repression and now I'm giving it room to express itself? Or is it that I'm just warped and twisted and beyond hope? I hope you still like me even when I reveal such twisted thoughts.

SILVER: Good to see you out and about! Really, I didn't have any major triggering event (other than dwelling on the sexiness of confident men from my previous post). I don't know that there is significance for the next life or a vision of what is to come or anything spiritual about it... I think it was nothing but erotic pent up emotions from a warped and sick mind... but thanks for the encouragement and hope for enlightenment.

Beck said...

Some possible interpretations:

My SISTER: represents family support. I actually have two sisters. The older sister was not in my dream. She is very rigid and unaccepting and would never offer support. But, the thought of my younger sister being more compassionate and even supportive is a whole new idea to me that I'll have to give more thought to.

No WIFE: Isn't it odd that my wife is ALWAYS out of the picture or a non-factor in my dreams? I mean, I know she is there, or was there, or just died, or just left or something, but she's always not around... symbolic of something missing in my marriage, a disconnect, even something that I may desire to push out of my life?

The MTC: definitely authority, and more significantly the "Church". I have had major and significant events occur during my life as a teacher at the MTC for three years after my mission, many of them involving male-to-male connection and affection. Having my dream occur at the MTC symbolizes that I still want the blessing and confirmation that comes from the Church's influence in my life. And this place conducting such confirming desires is significant.

COMPANIONSHIP: I'm seeking monogamy in a relationship with another man who cares and loves me for me. I want real meaning and feelings of connection and bonding to accompany affection.

MY COMPANION: A symbol of everything I'm not (strength, youth, confidence, vitality, beauty, masculinity) and everything I crave to be.

INTIMACY: The man-to-man intimacy that I do not have and never will... at least not that I can see or hope for. My dreams often end with hugs and kisses, but this one went sexual on me. I fool myself in thinking that I really don't need to have that sexual fulfillment, that the hugs and cuddlings and kisses are good enough - even bromances are good enough - but this time, it was all about bringing to a conclusion and climax of sex... that which I have not experienced.

PROPHECY: I don't think there is anything prophetic here, nothing for the near future or hope for the afterlife. No real meaning to believe that this symbolizes the Church's acceptance of gay relationships in the future.

IN REALITY: It simply means I've got a slutty subconscious mind that is "soooo gay" and is becoming more involved in expressing itself in more detail, and I'm a warped and twisted man because of the unfulfilled longings that I have.

I admit that I dream sparingly (at least of those dreams that I can remember with any sense of meaning and purpose), but most of my vivid dreams are always gay-centered. Am I the only one that dreams this way?

MoHoHawaii said...

I hope you still like me even when I reveal such twisted thoughts.

LOL. I have a completely perverse sense of humor. I thought this dream was one of the most entertaining (and yes, thoroughly twisted) brain farts that I've run across in quite a while. You managed to fetishize the MTC (or a corporate training retreat, which isn't much different).

If anything, I'm predisposed to liking the gay side of you. It's much more colorful. You could tap dance in lavender pumps and I'd still like you. (However, vote for Prop 8 and the deal's off.)

Here's a serious comment: when dreams like this come your way, enjoy them or be amused by them but don't let them cause angst. You are not responsible for your dreams.

Philip said...

Sad Alert: skip post if you don't want to read something sort of sad.

I want to share this with you guys because I know you will understand.

I had two vivid dreams on the same night. My wife and I were separated at the time.

First dream...

I am in a warehouse full of old people. A lot of them are milling about aimlessly. An old woman sitting close by catches my eye. I am drawn to her. She looks vaguely familiar. Her hair is dry and flyaway and her breasts are sagging. I have never seen her before but this nagging feeling persists that I know her. Then I realize who she is. She's my wife and she has been waiting all these years for me.

I am laying in a bed and not in pain but know I am dying. I ask God if in heaven we will finally be happy. God does not answer. I wait and wait but still no answer. Then I know. No, not even in heaven.

I wake up crying. I finally fall back asleep.

I am on a Burlington Northern train. I am young again; the age I was when I first got married (21). I live just a block from the train station and the next stop is my stop. I can barely contain my excitement. Something wonderful has happened like a big promotion and there is only one person in my whole world I want to share this great news with. I get off at my stop. I am so excited I start walking faster and faster until I break out into a run. I am racing to the person I want to share this with. But who is this person? It is her. I am running to her.

I wake up crying again. This time I lay awake until morning. I don't want to chance having another dream.


Scott said...

SCOTT: I think I can squarely blame you for the dream.

You're welcome.

Isn't it odd that my wife is ALWAYS out of the picture or a non-factor in my dreams? ... symbolic of something missing in my marriage, a disconnect, even something that I may desire to push out of my life?

I hesitate to post this, because my wife will read it and I don't want her to take it the wrong way...

Sometimes the longing and desire to have and hold a guy hits hard, and a future old age where I'm still missing out on that is too painful to contemplate. At times like these, I can keep the longing at bay by "planning" some different future--one in which Serendipity and I have separated and I have found someone to be with. Sometimes I have to pretend that I believe that this is what will happen.

It doesn't seem logical or make much sense, but I think that spending the rest of my life imagining a different future (always as something that will eventually happen--never today or tomorrow, but eventually) will allow me to always maintain my present with a minimum of regret.

Maybe your subconscious mind is doing the same for you?

Beck said...

MOHOH said: "...when dreams like this come your way, enjoy them or be amused by them but don't let them cause angst. You are not responsible for your dreams."

I think I'm growing up... A couple of years ago, even a year ago, I would have been really upset that this dream even existed in my subconscious mind. Now, I'm quite accepting of it. Is that progress or am I a hopeless cause?

Thanks for your friendship and I'm glad you get a kick out of my twisted dreams.

Beck said...

PHILIP: I am saddened by your dreams. I have rarely been shaken to tears by my dreams. And to have my wife be the focus or symbol of those sad emotions is powerful, indeed.

I wonder if not even dreaming of her, or of having her play such a minor role, or even be out of the picture (such as being dead in a car accident etc.), however, is just as sad when I don't feel bad about it. I know that's awful to say and I feel hesitant to say it, but there it is...

Beck said...

SCOTT said: "It doesn't seem logical or make much sense, but I think that spending the rest of my life imagining a different future (always as something that will eventually happen--never today or tomorrow, but eventually) will allow me to always maintain my present with a minimum of regret."

When I first read this, I felt like it was an awful thing to say. But I understand your meaning. I do NOT regret marrying my wife as I'm sure you don't. I do NOT regret spending the rest of my life with her. But, there is a longing (or a form of regret) for never knowing the other path not chosen. It doesn't mean I'm prepared to turn around and go back. It doesn't mean I'm regretting this path I've chosen, but maybe my subconscious mind is helping me work through the choices I've made... I've got to think about this some more.

Bror said...

Dude, don't analyze the dream to much, just enjoy it. Thanks for posting it.

Beck said...

BROR: I agree... I've moved on! And I'm cool with it. In fact, I think it was quite funny - and fun!

Scott said...

When I first read this, I felt like it was an awful thing to say.

Eek. Now I'm worried that my wife is going to take it wrong. I'm not very good at explaining this kind of thing.

I love my wife dearly, and I can't imagine being without her and I want to be with her for the rest of my life. At the same time, on occasion I have to let myself believe that there's a possibility of fulfilling my other desires sometime in the future.

It's kind of like when your kid wants something that's probably not good for him or that you don't want him to have. An outright "no" would bring on a tantrum, so you tell him "not right now, maybe later." You keep telling him "maybe later" every time he asks, hoping that eventually he'll decide that he doesn't want or need it anymore (and hoping that he'll never realize that "later" will never arrive).

So when the gay "me" (who's still a little kid in a lot of ways) wants a relationship I have to tell him "maybe later" because I can't face the tantrum that a "no" would bring on.

I hope that makes sense...

Beck said...

Scott: I'm just saying that I know what you're trying to say for I'm on the same page. Yet, every time I try to explain it to myself, it always come out that I don't want to be with my wife anymore and that I'd be fine if she were gone, even though that isn't true. I have a huge part of me that will do anything possible to keep us together with a real hope for an eternal future. This other part, as it expresses itself at times, tends to want to dismiss all of that marriage stuff and move on to a real gay relationship.

When it comes down to it, I can't have both. And as my wife has said - it is up to me, I need to make a choice. Well, I've ALREADY chosen. That's the point! So to wish it away like I'm still making a choice or holding out hope for another option to develop, or a better offer to come along - all sounds cheap, unfair, and cruel, especially to her.

Alan said...

Beck, I won't try to analyze your dream, I'll just say "Yeah, I get it." Meanwhile, what are you eating and drinking before you go to sleep. Send me a list. ;-) I recently posted this about one of my own recent dreams but it is hopelessly political, dull and prosaic by comparison. Maybe I should spend less time reading political analysis and more on Luke & Noah reruns.

Beck said...

ALAN said: "...but it is hopelessly political, dull and prosaic by comparison. Maybe I should spend less time reading political analysis and more on Luke & Noah reruns."

I missed reading your dream and went back and read it. Thanks for pointing it out to me. I don't think we can compare whose dream is more exciting - I just tend to find myself dreaming of what life would be like in my fantasy world where everyone I know and meet is gay and where I have no problem in having a hot boyfriend who loves me for all the right reasons.

But, maybe I should lay off the PG-13 images and You-tube videos to calm my imagination down to more realistic levels... and maybe I'll dream about politics instead. :)

Silver said...

You said: "I'm a warped and twisted man because of the unfulfilled longings that I have."

Beck: You and I know unfulfilled longings are real and they are powerful. It's a complicated web to determine why and from where they come. They just are.

You are certainly now warped, maybe just a little twisted :) and we like you that way. I'm glad you shared the dream. I've had similar dreams, but maybe not quite so vivid.

Maybe dreams tell us that we aren't just about conscious thoughts and choices. There are other factors and powers that shape and direct our lives and thoughts. We don't have control over all of them.

I guess we may not realize all our dreams in this life. It sucks that we have the need and can't go there. That, I guess, is a choice. It's a gift we give ourselves and our families.

So I walk up to that line that I can't cross. I walk up to it time and time again and then I turn and walk back because there is just too much to lose by crossing over. Too many broken hearts at risk. Could it be that God is teaching me that it isn't all about me and what I need or want? Could it be that some of these choices require sacrifice and losing myself? Is part of my purpose here to sacrifice what I want or even need for the needs of others? Is there a purpose in this struggle and what it teaches me?

I'm full of questions. Beck, thanks for expressing with your words and pictures what I often can't. I really value what you share here.

Beck said...

SILVER: Know that I'm not serious when I say I'm warped and twisted... well, not totally serious. There are parts, as you've mentioned, that are testing the waters, but for the most part, I'm cool with who I am.

When it comes to these type of dreams and thoughts, I no longer beat myself up.

Thanks for sticking up for me.

Captain Midnight said...

Wow. That's a really interesting dream. It's too bad that gay mtc doesn't really exist. I know lots of guys who could benefit from that. Haha.

Gay LDS Actor said...

I'm late to the party, but that sounds like some MTC. lol

Damon In CO said...

Hey Beck-

I hope you see this and I am not too late posting this.

I think your dream is interesting, Beck. And I agree that Scott has it right on probably.

Beck,are you happy?

Beck said...

CAPTAIN: Thanks for joining the dialogue. I appreciate you commenting and hope to see more of you around.

CODY: It's good to see you are still around after all these years. I hope you're well and happy.

Beck said...

DAMON said: "Beck, are you happy?"

I read this question in the most sincere and concerned manner possible, as I'm sure it is intended.

I've been thinking about how to respond. Am I happy? I would like to say "yes", but it isn't that easy... I feel a blog post coming on. :)

Damon In CO said...


I know there's no easy answer. I'll look forward to the blog I've got one of my own a bit.

As others have said, this dream seems to manifst much of what you long for...

Of course pursuit of whatwe long for may not make us happy. Sometimes the longing of some things may simply prevent us from being happy.