I'm a hypocrite.
That is all there is to it.
I'm a big fat, scared and afraid hypocrite!
That is what we all "closet dwellers" are. We are afraid of being found out for who we really are. We are ashamed and cowardly and weak. We rarely stand up for our gay brothers and sisters (except under the veil of anonymity) because we feel guilty for doing so; we feel that somehow associating with "them" will make others feel less of us or question the facade of who we have pretended to be, that somehow we may be considered one of "them" as well...
Why else am I so worried about the wrath of others and how their homophobic beliefs may reflect on me? What a selfish attitude... No wonder the "out" brethren are so disgusted with my type...
What am I so afraid of?
I pretend to be somebody I'm not. I've done this all my life. I'm not as strong as I think I am. I am weak and cowardly and I allow my fears to control my actions. As much as I think I am "out" and "free-thinking" and "open" to love with no judgment, not prejudice, no shame... I really am not, as long as I do so within the shadows of my everlasting closet.
I have been carefully taught to be self-righteous, to be homophobic, to be unkind to those who are "different" than "US". What a wonderful mess this has turned out to be... There is so much more to work on here than just "accepting" the fact I'm gay. Sure, that was a first step, and I've become comfortable in that place (even though the Brethren say I shouldn't feel so comfortable), but there is so much more to learn about love and acceptance and Christlike attitudes toward ALL...
As was articulated by Parallel, when I came "out" to my wife, all I did was bring her in to my closet and doom her to my world of secrecy, shame and fear.
As Beck, be it on these electronic pages or in the flesh, I am under some facade of being "liberated" and "out" and non-judgmental and without prejudice, but in reality, this blog world is a facade as well... this whole life is a facade... I'm a joke. As long as I cannot be ONE with who I really am and truly LOVE myself and ALL others, then "Beck" is just as much a hypocrite and facade as the closet-dwelling me over there cowering in the shadows under the long trench coat... who thinks he can't be seen, though in reality his closet is as thin and see-through as a white veil.