Tuesday, October 16, 2007

A bit unnerved...


I've had this reoccurring dream again... it freaks me out. I'm not sure whether I should admit that I've dreamt this or not. It reveals a part of my subconscious mind that is troublesome and I'm not proud of it... But this is my blog and if nothing else, this is where I shed such upleasantries - (my dirty laundry so to speak, which I don't show anywhere else) to your detriment and hopefully my benefit - as I'm always searching for more understanding of who I am and why I feel and think this way about these things.


May I say, that I truly do love my wife and kids with all my heart - and I'm not just saying this to soften the blow here... I think I've demostrated that through decades of faithfulness and devotion. They are the center of my world and I am where I am because of them and I want to be the best I can be for them, and I want to be a part of them forever...


But in general, the dream goes something like this:


I find myself a widower. My wife is killed (typically) in a tragic automobile accident and typically the kids are killed as well. It it usually sudden (a head-on collision in a mountain canyon) and they did not suffer.


I find myself mourning and alone.


I find, however, that I'm somewhat relieved and now "free" to be me and to live a life with a boyfriend in a loving committed gay relationship.


I usually wake up feeling very guilty and depressed that such subconscious thoughts would even exist. Never am I the cause of the accident (I don't tamper with the car breaks, I don't push the car off a cliff etc., and I don't drive my car into them) but I find it odd that I don't find myself grieving for the loss as much as I should and that makes me really dislike this dream and dislike me... I do find myself discovering "freedom" to go forward with a committed gay relationship and finding peace and satisfaction with that.


These thoughts most likely have been triggered recently by an event that took place in a suburb of SLC a couple of weeks ago where a 62 year old man in a very wealthy upper class neighborhood discovered his wife's body run over on the quiet secluded posh neighborhood street - no witnesses other than somebody saw a white truck... He publicly grieves a little and questions the media on how such a thing could happen and not have the driver recognize what he had done. Come to find out this last week, that HE was the driver. He bought a white truck, planned the hit and run (motive: claiming her life insurance), and then hid the truck. Oh... and he did it for his GIRLfriend, not his BOYfriend (it would be way too surreal if it was over a boyfriend).


Out of the blue, my wife stated to me in a smiling informative manner this past weekend, that if I got to that point where I wanted to be with a guy instead of with her, to remember that she has NO life insurance! It was said in jest, but all the same, it freaked me out...


The timing of this tragic event, her comment and my reoccurring dream has me feeling a bit unnerved...

15 comments:

playasinmar said...

I think L mentioned he dreams about that sometimes. Maybe you should talk to him about it.

Chris said...

I'm not a psychologist or a psychoanalyst, but I don't think you should be too hard on yourself about this dream. That gay part of you that wants to be free is simply rearing its head from time to time, and the only safe place it can do it is in your dreams, which are largely beyond your conscious control.

I had similar experiences when I was married.

GeckoMan said...

I've sometimes wondered about what I would do in the event of my wife's death. I don't think it's uncommon to consider 'new found freedom' to explore our other orientation.

But I've come to the conclusion that if I believe my current path is correct, then I would remain single and celibate to keep my covenants.

Get married to another woman? No way!

RealNeal said...

Beck,

Repressed feelings pop out like that from time to time. For me, it has been the death of my parents, who don't know I'm a MoHo yet. It sounds horrible, but I think its how we subconsciouly deal with the pressure. I would say what you're experiencing is normal.

So don't beat yourself up. Let me do that! (LOL - just KIDDING, of course!!)

Take care!

Neal

Beck said...

PLAYA: It seems that I'm not alone in having these repressed thoughts. I vaguely remember L mentioning something but I forgot the specifics.

CHRIS: I appreciate your comments in helping me to not feel so weird about this. It doesn't sound very nice or pleasant - more morbid than anything - and thus, it feels unusual and wrong. I really don't think such morbid thoughts in my conscious control. So, Mr. Psychoanalyst, do you suggest I should brush it off and not dwell on it?

Beck said...

GECKO: I've concluded that this is the correct path for me as well, but my conscious conclusion does not preclude my sub-conscious curiosity and desire to "know" the other side or the "new found freedom" that isn't known in the real world.

As for my wife dying and me getting married again??? I just couldn't even imagine it. My sub-conscious mind has NEVER gone off on that direction. Never have I fantasized about another woman or even imagining being married again... Like you "NO WAY!"

NEAL said: "I think its how we subconsciouly deal with the pressure. I would say what you're experiencing is normal..."

Then, why does it seem so awful and horrid and morbid and inhuman, etc.? Like with Chris' comments, I appreciate that I shouldn't beat myself up on these thoughts, but they are thoughts that I have and I feel "excited" to explore my new-found freedom, and shouldn't I be a bit more sad at my "loss" than at my "found"? Or can sub-conscious thoughts get away without worrying about correctness?

BTW, you can beat me up anytime you want!!! I need a good slap in the head quite frequently! :)

Chris said...

So, Mr. Psychoanalyst, do you suggest I should brush it off and not dwell on it?

I'm not sure you should brush it off, but I don't think you should punish yourself for it. If you are seeing a therapist, this might be something to explore in therapy. What I'm suggesting is that you ought to try recognizing the dream for what it is (a desire to live gay) rather than what it isn't (a desire for your wife's death).

RealNeal said...

Beck,

Don't forget the ID. We all have the "animalistic" part of us, which the scriptures call the "natural man". This creature is carnal, sensual, and devilish - does this describe some of your dream? Part of our mission here on earth is to "put off" the natural man and become more like HF.

Interstingly enough, the ID can manifest itself in unusual ways when given the chance. The human brain is divided into to halves, but those halves are connected by a bridge that lets the neural impulses flow freely between them. There are cases where, for medical reasons, that bridge is severed, and some interesting results can manifest themselves. There was a famous case of a man who was a loving, caring husband and father, but after this operation, his right hand seemed to have a mind of its own. It would try to choke his wife whenever she came near him. The ID was out of its box, so to speak, and was controlling that hand. The neural pathways that allowed him to keep his ID under control were gone. His conscious mind was not doing these terrible acts, but somewhere in his subconscious were some bitter feelings towards his wife. Anyway, he would literally have to wrestle his right hand away from his wife's throat with his left hand! Not sure how long that marriage lasted...

So, yes, I think having your ID pop out in dreams is a normal human event - sadistic thoughts and all - and you should not feel guilt for it.


Regards,

Neal

P.S. Do you prefer whips or chains?? LOL :-D (KIDDING, of course!!)

santorio said...

got to hand it to you, beck, you are a must read.

i'm not so concerned about your dreams; it's what your wife said that makes me think... I feel better about not putting one more wrench into my wife's complicated life

Beck said...

Chris: You just stated the obvious, but it rings a bell that I wasn't hearing. I'm not trying to kill my wife or even wish that she were dead... I just have a part of me that still wants to be with a guy. I can deal with that. Thanks!

NEAL: I'm really not sadistic, though these sadistic thoughts do exist and are real. I'm not going to physically harm anyone... My ID is under control. I'm okay... just sometimes freaked out by such thoughts and my natural tendency is to take it out on myself. Thanks!

Beck said...

SANTORIO: I'm a "must read"? What a compliment! Or was that sarcastic?

I know that my wife was kidding... she was responding to the murder report on the news about the motive being over life insurance. I think it was healthy that she could kid about it and about my wanting to be with a guy and joke about it. I think that's a good step.

playasinmar said...

I'm betting he's into chains, Neal.

RealNeal said...

Rats!!! I was hoping for whips...

Beck said...

Man, I thought I was the morbid one here... You guys are over-the-top freakin' scary!

RealNeal said...

Now, now, Beck. Only in good fun! You have to admit you set yourself up on this one! :-D


Neal