I've had this reoccurring dream again... it freaks me out. I'm not sure whether I should admit that I've dreamt this or not. It reveals a part of my subconscious mind that is troublesome and I'm not proud of it... But this is my blog and if nothing else, this is where I shed such upleasantries - (my dirty laundry so to speak, which I don't show anywhere else) to your detriment and hopefully my benefit - as I'm always searching for more understanding of who I am and why I feel and think this way about these things.
May I say, that I truly do love my wife and kids with all my heart - and I'm not just saying this to soften the blow here... I think I've demostrated that through decades of faithfulness and devotion. They are the center of my world and I am where I am because of them and I want to be the best I can be for them, and I want to be a part of them forever...
But in general, the dream goes something like this:
I find myself a widower. My wife is killed (typically) in a tragic automobile accident and typically the kids are killed as well. It it usually sudden (a head-on collision in a mountain canyon) and they did not suffer.
I find myself mourning and alone.
I find, however, that I'm somewhat relieved and now "free" to be me and to live a life with a boyfriend in a loving committed gay relationship.
I usually wake up feeling very guilty and depressed that such subconscious thoughts would even exist. Never am I the cause of the accident (I don't tamper with the car breaks, I don't push the car off a cliff etc., and I don't drive my car into them) but I find it odd that I don't find myself grieving for the loss as much as I should and that makes me really dislike this dream and dislike me... I do find myself discovering "freedom" to go forward with a committed gay relationship and finding peace and satisfaction with that.
These thoughts most likely have been triggered recently by an event that took place in a suburb of SLC a couple of weeks ago where a 62 year old man in a very wealthy upper class neighborhood discovered his wife's body run over on the quiet secluded posh neighborhood street - no witnesses other than somebody saw a white truck... He publicly grieves a little and questions the media on how such a thing could happen and not have the driver recognize what he had done. Come to find out this last week, that HE was the driver. He bought a white truck, planned the hit and run (motive: claiming her life insurance), and then hid the truck. Oh... and he did it for his GIRLfriend, not his BOYfriend (it would be way too surreal if it was over a boyfriend).
Out of the blue, my wife stated to me in a smiling informative manner this past weekend, that if I got to that point where I wanted to be with a guy instead of with her, to remember that she has NO life insurance! It was said in jest, but all the same, it freaked me out...
The timing of this tragic event, her comment and my reoccurring dream has me feeling a bit unnerved...