There's a line in "Enchanted April" (yes, my favorite chick movie) that says something like:
"I see them as a couple. They can go forward now."
That line resonates this week as I found myself in an airport in California on a business trip.
As I've been known to do all too frequently, when I have a bit of extra time at an airport, I find myself "people-watching". I sit myself down in a good spot and watch the parade of travellers go by. And yesterday was no exception.
One over-the-top / in-your-face blatant and obvious gay couple caught my eye. At first I was appalled at how overly "gay" they were trying to be. I couldn't help but stare at them and I felt so distant and removed and even repulsed by their open display of their "lifestyle". But, then, as I observed the tenderness between them, at the same time, I was in awe of their willingness to have no worries about what others thought and they were "able to go forward". And my feelings of being appalled changed to feelings of envy. Isn't that interesting?
I then found a 20-something year old tall and beautiful, dark and handsome "Tim substitute" to stare at and study. He was so fresh and gorgeous. And I soon felt depressed about it because he was so beautiful and I knew that there was no way in Hell that I "could go forward". I couldn't go up to him and talk to him, get to know him, even say "hi" to him... There was no way.
I don't know that there's a profound point to any of this. I'm just a bit down right now. I hate the traveling that I'm doing in my job. And I feel a bit out of sorts with life as a whole.
I just don't feel like in my situation I can really "go forward" with anyone...
10 comments:
Hey Beck ... you can go forward, you're just sandbagged by a lot of things right now. If you need to talk let me know; I'd love to lend a listening ear.
Jed and I took our first trip together this past week. I wonder if anyone noticed us...
Hey, you can't be down, that's my job! Well, "chin up, ol' buddy" (don't you hate it when people say things like that to you?)
Seriously, I know how you feel. And traveling seems to make it worse (at least it does for me). But, it's Friday. Hopefully you'll be back home for the weekend in familiar surroundings and will get rejuvenated.
And, if you ever find yourself in a certain Texas airport, let me know and we can go skipping through the bluebonnets together :)
i couldn't even finish reading your post as i saw the words "Enchanted April". I LOVE that movie! Anna and I watch it about once a month, sometimes more. we quote that movie all the time. my mind slips sideways just thinking of it.
now, i'll finish reading your post. :)
my friend, like the others if you need an ear I am always open.
just remember, when you travel its good that there are two of you so one can watch the luggage as you communicate with the natives. :)
I'll plant an oliander for you.
The only chick movie I ever liked much was First Wives Club. Which, now that I think about it, was a male-bashing movie more than anything! :S
I love "people watching". I don't know why- I consider myself relatively confident and "secure", but I do like to see what other people look like and act like, especially when they think no one is watching.
I can pick a gay man out of the crowd without a second guess. -Especially the ones who are trying most convincingly to hide it. :) (It's a special talent of mine!) I've done the same for so many years of my teenage and adult life that I know the "tells" of the trade. I find it amusing. -And what better way to pass "dead" time at the airport than by being amused. It does wonders for delays, cancellations, missed-connections, and even being "bumped".
Cheers to you, Beck, in all of your travels. I don't envy your absence from home, but sometimes it is so good to be out of the bubble of "normalcy" we have all created for ourselves and get some different "air".
Travelling, viewing Gay sympathetic movies, etc. can open me up to the deep hunger I have that will never be satisfied. If I focus too long I experience sadness and anger about my chosen limits. But then I remind myself that my thoughts about sex and love with this good looking object are just fantasy, a pleasant escape from boredom in the real world. In the real world I could never "ride off into the sunset" or have any lasting joy with a male companion. Dang it!! If I dwell on him too long, I open up myself to strong empty feelings, sorrow, and anger. I have to get back to making realistic life decisions that have long term effects on me and others. I need to take my eyes off of his crotch and put them back into my book. Which is hard to do. Perhaps I can find a more productive way escape my boredom. I wish it were easier to do this. I was never promised that this life would be easy.
There was a time in my career when I really looked forward to being on my first "business trip" where someone else actually paid for you to travel. Little did I realize how OLD it gets and how fatiguing it is... But, hey, I've seen a lot of the world on someone else's dime!
I really do love to travel and if I could figure out how to travel for FUN and make it work financially, I'd be on that plane around the world year sabbatical TOMORROW!
But alas, I'm stuck in airports people-watching. I catch myself even rating guys... "He's a 3... he's a 2.5... WOW he's a 5!" In my book a 5 is tops! Isn't it interesting I don't seem to notice the women... :)
KB: I'm okay. Thanks, sincerely, for your concern... just a cycle that comes with being on the road.
CHRIS: I'd love to find you and Jed at any airport! When I'm in NYC let's connect.
ABELARD?: Abelard, you know that I'm planning a trip sometime that will take me through your favorite airport, right? :)
LOYALIST: I can't keep up with you Lottie! :)
PLAYASINMAR: You really should see "Enchanted April" just for the romance of living for a month on the Ligurian Coast!
ESQUIRE: I do enjoy the change of "air", don't get me wrong, and I love people-watching - I wonder if your gaydar would be able to detect me... I've been hiding for a very long time! Can you find me?
GENTLEFRIEND: You're right... it's when I DWELL on what I have decided not to participate in that I get angry and discouraged. I need to keep it on a "recreational" level.
Thanks everyone for the comments and enlightenment! Happy trails...
As you already know, business trips always seem to bring out the chance to live, at least partially, the life we sometimes wish we could have. With our support of wife and family at a distance, we love to dwell on the "what if" of male attraction.
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