Saturday, May 19, 2007

Where do I go from here?

I've been on the road again this week - and thus, my mood is sour and discouraging. I probably shouldn't blog in moods like this - but hey - what's the point of having a blog in the first place if you can't be sour and discouraged, right?

On the flight home, I got out a pad and started jotting down all the things I wanted to discuss in my blog and before I knew it, I had two pages of detailed outlines of subjects I want to explore and raise - for my benefit and hopefully for others. As I sat on the plane (on the back row where I couldn't even recline and the person in front of me reclining right into my tabletop - don't you hate that when that happens?), I thought about my blog and why I blog.

At first it was truly an exhilerating experience of "coming out" to myself and to an audience of understanding people who really did care and who were trying to understand where I was coming from and helping me to come to grips with my "gayness". It was exciting to finally "talk" with people who helped me to not hate myself for this and got me through a serious self-loathing phase of my life.

But now I've lost that excitement. I don't know what has changed. Maybe I'm just worn out. Maybe I've turned stale. Maybe there is nothing more to say. I began looking at my list I had made and realized I really didn't have the passion behind any of it. And so, I drew a big "X" through the pages and tossed the notepad back into my bag.

I couldn't figure out if I was blogging to be "valid" in front of others who may be reading it, or whether anything I said was worth commenting about, or whether I was blogging because I needed to express these feelings and thoughts where I have no other ocassion to epxress such feelings and thoughts. Am I trying to be "popular" and "liked" and "accepted" as who I am by those in this community who know this one carefully cloaked part of me? Or am I trying to accept myself and blog for reasons of finally recognized released repression?

When I returned to the computer after being gone this week, as I have been known to do, I checked out Abelard's blog and sure enough, as often is the case, he was blogging about similar feelings. He was asking whether to continue blogging or not. I facetiously answered... "Just quit blogging. That's what I'm contemplating doing".

This community is ever changing and evolving. There are some anchors of constancy (even though they profess to "keep changing") such as -L-, but I've seen many that began to help my self-acceptance in this awareness-lacking side of me, are now moving on or are at least less-active in the community (such as Gay Mormon, Hawaii Dave, Hurricane Chris, Enduring Eric) and more recently others choosing for their own particular and right reasons (such as Loyalist and Samantha) and even Elbow moving on to new and difficult challenges.

And so I contemplate if now is the time to "move on". But I ask myself: Move on to what? Where do I go from here? I don't know what to do next? I feel just as confused and lost in so many ways as when I began this stupid thing over a year ago!!! I feel as dishonest and unfaithful to those I love as I did before. I feel as attracted to guys as I have before - it hasn't dissipated. It hasn't changed. I'm still as conflicted as ever. Sure, I have more self-awareness, and more self-acceptance. But I'm still me. Nothing of significance has truly changed. So, where do I go? What do I do from here?

I'm discouraged at the lack of my progress. I'm discouraged at my lack of integrity. I'm discouraged at my continual dishonesty.

I'm discouraged...


playasinmar said...

the battle's done,
and we kinda won,
so we sound our victory cheer,
tell me,
where do we go from here?

(I have something to email you playasinmar /at/ gmail /dot/ com)

Samantha said...

Silly Beck, :) . I'm not going anywhere--go look at my profile.

Kengo Biddles said...

Beck, I value your voice, and I value your opinion. If you choose to stop, I'll miss you. If you choose to stay, I'll read you just as faithfully as ever before.

I've been through the same questions, andI realized that I need to just blog to blog, to release, to vent, to let it out so that I don't "fester".

After all, no one wants to end up sitting at a café looking at couples, dragging on cigarettes and saying, "My ass is twitching ... you people make my ass twitch."

Beck said...

SAM: Obviously I'm not invited to the inner sanctum of the beloved bewitched one!

KB: I don't want you to say: "If you choose to stop, I'll miss you." That doesn't help. Don't you get it... I want you to say: "Hey, Beck, get over it and get on with it and keep bloggin' you stupid silly fool!" :)

Kengo Biddles said...

"Hey, Beck, get over it and get on with it and keep bloggin' you stupid, silly fool!" :)

Does that work? I even added emphasis!

gentlefriend said...

When you are tired and run down you are vulnerable to those bitchey little voices that gnaw away at your self esteem. Step out of your funk and see how you are beating up on yourself! You are telling yourself: "You are stale." "You are blogging to be "valid" in front of others who may be reading it." "Your stuff was not worth commenting about." "You are just trying to be accepted." "You are as dishonest and unfaithful to those you love as you were before. You are as attracted to guys as before - it hasn't dissipated. It hasn't changed and that means you a a bad boy!" The are lies you are telling yourself.

Hey! KNOCK IT OFF! Is this kind of inner dialogue helping you? NO! You have a choice. You don't have to listen to this stuff.

Oh, you are still gay. So what? Who said that mortality would be easy? You are "dishonest"? I don't believe it! There is a difference between "honesty" and "openness". You can be fully honest and not share things that are no body else's business.

You are not progressing as fast as you like? Welcome to the club. Reread 2 Nephi 4 and see how he got out of his discouragement.

I for one feel that your blog is worth reading. It has helped me. Please continue writing. If you go, I will miss you.

Meanwhile, get some sleep. Get some exercise. Have some wholesome enjoyable escape experiences. But please come back to us!

Forester said...

I need your posts. I need to know that there are others out there, going through the same trial. I don't feel alone anymore now that I have this group of blogging friends. I also enjoy your personal insight into the same struggles, and I really like the fact that there are older guys who have made it longer than me. You represent hope, even when you struggle yourself.

Sean said...

loyalist's blog is gone, but that was for very personal reasons. but I am still here. i read laugh, cry and feel connected.

and i'm still gay as the day is long. hell i still have a crush on tom welling. but it has to be on my terms.

i love ya beck. your a good guy. and i love reading your blog.

Abelard Enigma said...

If you stop blogging then I'm just going to have to take you into the ladies room and slap some sense into you!

There are people out there who need you! I need you!

Beck said...

KB: Thanks, I needed that! Too bad I'm into self-pity so much that I need such treatment to pick myself up... (was that self-depreciating), I mean, thanks...

GF: Thanks to you, too, and I'm planning on an "escape" very soon! I appreciate that you follow along. I look forward to getting to know you better.

FORESTER: Yes, we older and not-so-wise guys are out here, and yes, I'm still getting it done! I don't mean to be totally sarcastic. I appreciate that I can be an example of someone who has kept it going and has mostly been very happy for 25 years! There is hope and it is possible! Just sometimes it doesn't always feel that way. Thanks for "needing me". I need to be "needed" right now.

SEAN: I'm glad you're still around. Don't be a stranger.

ABE: You know how I feel about you...

Anonymous said...

my blogging rate has decreased; certainly once i addressed my hot topics, i felt i had less to say.

i'm also spending less time reading, though when i do, i benefit. the topics are the same but there are nuances and new insights that will keep me coming back.

the big question, as you suggest, is i am a better person for being a member of this blogging community? don't know, the juries still out on this one, but the early sign is yes, anything that decreases stress and increases self-awareness can't be all bad.

and of course there's the 15 minutes of fame; maybe oprah will give me a call.

Beck said...

SANTORIO: your comment of : "anything that decreases stress and increases self-awareness can't be all bad," rings true to me.

I need decreased stress and increased self-awareness so I guess for now I'll continue in some form or the other, to blog...