I've been on the road again this week - and thus, my mood is sour and discouraging. I probably shouldn't blog in moods like this - but hey - what's the point of having a blog in the first place if you can't be sour and discouraged, right?
On the flight home, I got out a pad and started jotting down all the things I wanted to discuss in my blog and before I knew it, I had two pages of detailed outlines of subjects I want to explore and raise - for my benefit and hopefully for others. As I sat on the plane (on the back row where I couldn't even recline and the person in front of me reclining right into my tabletop - don't you hate that when that happens?), I thought about my blog and why I blog.
At first it was truly an exhilerating experience of "coming out" to myself and to an audience of understanding people who really did care and who were trying to understand where I was coming from and helping me to come to grips with my "gayness". It was exciting to finally "talk" with people who helped me to not hate myself for this and got me through a serious self-loathing phase of my life.
But now I've lost that excitement. I don't know what has changed. Maybe I'm just worn out. Maybe I've turned stale. Maybe there is nothing more to say. I began looking at my list I had made and realized I really didn't have the passion behind any of it. And so, I drew a big "X" through the pages and tossed the notepad back into my bag.
I couldn't figure out if I was blogging to be "valid" in front of others who may be reading it, or whether anything I said was worth commenting about, or whether I was blogging because I needed to express these feelings and thoughts where I have no other ocassion to epxress such feelings and thoughts. Am I trying to be "popular" and "liked" and "accepted" as who I am by those in this community who know this one carefully cloaked part of me? Or am I trying to accept myself and blog for reasons of finally recognized released repression?
When I returned to the computer after being gone this week, as I have been known to do, I checked out Abelard's blog and sure enough, as often is the case, he was blogging about similar feelings. He was asking whether to continue blogging or not. I facetiously answered... "Just quit blogging. That's what I'm contemplating doing".
This community is ever changing and evolving. There are some anchors of constancy (even though they profess to "keep changing") such as -L-, but I've seen many that began to help my self-acceptance in this awareness-lacking side of me, are now moving on or are at least less-active in the community (such as Gay Mormon, Hawaii Dave, Hurricane Chris, Enduring Eric) and more recently others choosing for their own particular and right reasons (such as Loyalist and Samantha) and even Elbow moving on to new and difficult challenges.
And so I contemplate if now is the time to "move on". But I ask myself: Move on to what? Where do I go from here? I don't know what to do next? I feel just as confused and lost in so many ways as when I began this stupid thing over a year ago!!! I feel as dishonest and unfaithful to those I love as I did before. I feel as attracted to guys as I have before - it hasn't dissipated. It hasn't changed. I'm still as conflicted as ever. Sure, I have more self-awareness, and more self-acceptance. But I'm still me. Nothing of significance has truly changed. So, where do I go? What do I do from here?
I'm discouraged at the lack of my progress. I'm discouraged at my lack of integrity. I'm discouraged at my continual dishonesty.