When I returned home from this most recent business trip, I immediately went off to a church meeting where we discussed priesthood quorum business and more importantly those within the quorum that needed particular attention and service. Yes, within an hour of being a gay-people-watching maniac stuck in airports in a funk, feeling so sorry for myself for the angst and anxiety of a "longing for someone - anyone - that I can't have, but it's fun to look anyway and wonder..." I immediately change hats and put on my "straight priesthood holder being asked to visit those in need..."
This duel hat-wearing is the story of my life. Whether it is right or wrong - I don't say - I just admit that that is what my life has become. Switching back and forth and back and forth.
But, as we discovered a dear quorum faithful brother has had a serious infection that has traveled to his heart this last week and has put him in intensive care in the hospital, and another dear quorum faithful relatively young brother whose brain tumor has now made him void of all short-term memory and he's been sent home to die, we immediately divided and set out to visit the families of these brothers and attend to their needs. Immediately there was such a different spirit about my life, about how GOOD and amazingly wonderful I really have it. Sure I've got this duel personality going on inside me and it's not healthy or positive, and sure I've got my issues of doubt, depression, and frustration because of my gayness and it's associated angsts, BUT, how insignificant my troubles and struggles really are in comparison to what others are currently going through! How I should get over myself and get on with it! Get over it and on with helping those who are truly suffering and in need of real assistance.
I'm just a whiner! A poor, pathetic, chronic whiner! I need to slap myself and wake up to the fact that I've been given great opportunities to help others... When we went out to visit and pay calls of support, it was amazing what feelings the spirit brought into my soul in exchange for this simple "sacrifice" of time. I totally and completely forgot about my traveling and gay-longing blues...
It's amazing how that happens, don't you think?
I just need to get over it and get on with it!
5 comments:
i think paul had some similar conflicts; when he was in a funk, he went on the road. the bottom line is the same--he just went out and did good where his talents led him
Your post reminds me of a scripture in the BofM
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail
Moroni 7:46
This just demonstrates that we are all much more than our SGA tendencies! When we lose our lives in His service we we begin to see who we really are and what really matters. It doesn't matter that we have SGA. (Everyone, including the heteroMormons has his or her cross to bear.) It does matter how many people we help along His path. "He that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, in not worthy of me. . . he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it."(Matt. 10:38-39) One aspect of our cross is that we will never experience some of our deepest physical and emotional desires in mortality. "That ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service." (Romans 12:1) But Oh, what WONDERFUL things we DO experience!
Thanks for your comments.
Socially, I've come to an all time low in my life. The mere thought of having to go out and visit someone seems so daunting. I to have experienced the joy that comes from helping and visiting those in need. I have also experienced the drain that it can also be. I have a friend who is going through so many struggles (mostly caused by his own bad choices). It takes so much out of me when we are together. I find myself drained by his problems.
I know what you mean, Forester. Some people seem to suck the marrow out of your bones. Maybe he should contact Dr. Laura like you did. There comes a time when people need a kindly kick in the butt. I love people and it hurts when I see them screwing up their lives. The flip side of pain is anger. Use that anger in a righteous way with some kindly confrontation. You may have to finally tell him/her that you care and that it hurts so much that you have to limit your contacts with them and refer to a counselor. If you have priesthood responsibility for the person and feel guilty, you may need to let go some and realize that there are limits to your ability to help. Please don't beat up on yourself because of his/her bad choices.
I find that grunting the hell out with some weights every night does wonders to clear my mind of this kind of stress.
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