Why, if this MOHO queerosphere is so caring and helpful, is no one hitting me on the back of the head telling me to wake up and get over certain things in my life? Why is no one helping me to see how dishonest my life is? Why is no one pointing out my cheating heart and deception?
I'm so frustrated with myself... I need someone to really give me a good slap!
We rented the movie "The Prestige" the other night. I recommend it highly. Without giving away too much, the movie centers, among other things, on a theme of "duplicity", particularly in a marital relationship. There are certain half-truths being shared, but never the full honesty in the relationship (is that vague enough?).
Anyway, I watched the movie first with my teenage son and we both really liked the magic, the mystery, the intrigue of the story and its presentation. So, I was anxious to share it with my wife and she and I watched it together the next night. Her reaction was quite different than mine had been as I watched it the first time with my son. Instead of the mystery and intrigue, she noted the duplicity, the cheating, the deceit in the marriage of one of the main characters - and how he had proven that he did not love his wife because he did not tell her the truth and kept secrets from her.
"If he really loved her, he would have told her!" she declared emphatically with a kind of personal sting.
"But, then, there wouldn't have been a movie," I countered, not understanding why she hadn't seen that the story was centered on him keeping secrets and living a double life...
And then it came down on my like a slap in the face - I'm living a double life. I continue to have duplicity in my life... I am dishonest with her as I allow myself to be caught up in things that would only hurt her if she really knew - including my "continued" feelings for Tim, and including even this blog - which remains a secret to her.
Yes, she knows. Deep down she knows that I am not completely hers, that I have a wandering eye for guys, that I would rather be with guys, etc... And I hide from her my "encounters" with Tim (though they are pretty open - even in the church parking lot) and this blog - because, as I excuse myself - "I don't want to hurt you!"
Deception destroyed many lives in that movie... all for the sake of hurting others, or NOT hurting others. I think she was trying to tell me that I'm still hurting her. I don't want to be deceptive... and yet I am. I still keep secrets. I keep lots of secrets... I'm tired of hiding reality, but I'm not willing to fully come out in the open in all things - so I continue to live duplicitously.
What a hell I've created...