Monday, March 12, 2007

Back in my angst...

Okay... so maybe I'm not doing as well as I thought. It's been a good couple of weeks... things in control.

And then He comes back to town. He didn't tell me he was coming. I purposely avoided him at Church. I left immediately after the block, but had to come back. I thought maybe he'd be gone so I wouldn't have to see him - the "distance" thing. This was going to work out. I was going to be okay... But, in the back of my mind (or maybe in front of it - was I really praying in the car to still bump into him?) I hoped, that he had been detained and that just by chance he'd still be there - somewhere - just so that I could say "hi".

As I pulled back into the parking lot, I caught a glimpse of him. I pulled my car behind his so he couldn't get out. When he noticed me he jumped out enthusiastically, a huge, cute smile on his face.

"Whatssup?" he grinned.

"Nothing..." I didn't know what to say, my stomach aching for him.

"Aren't you going to get out of the car and give me a big hug, or am I going to have to pull you out?" he teased.

"You don't want another one of those from me!" I countered.

"That's why I came home..." he said slyly.

He pulled me out of the car and we fell into each other's arms. We melted together right there in the church parking lot. I fell into his neck and I kissed him and snuggled into him. He held me tight... for quite some time.

"Are you okay?" I finally whispered.

"Yeah, I'm great!" he said softly, still embracing me strongly with his long arms wrapped completely around me.

Then, a priesthood leader slowly drove by - his window rolled down... "I worry about you two!" he shouted toward us. "Tim, you need to get a girlfriend!"

We broke our hug and chuckled a bit nervously. What did that comment mean, I wondered?

I began to get nervous... I had to go. I wanted to stay in his arms, but I had to go. I wanted to look at him, talk to him, feel him... but the internal fight didn't allow me to be "me" enough to stay... I kept thinking about my wife coming out of the parking lot and saying the same thing...

I hate this!

-L- spoke of duplicity. My life is a joke! It's full of false pretenses and duplicities... more later.

I'm back in my angst... :)


Kengo Biddles said...

People said that same thing to Davros...and I'm fairly sure (85%) that he's not gay, so... Yeah. Take it as you will.

I think it's normal to have angsty let the time be and pass on, don't linger...

SG said...

I have to admit that I'm relieved you're not leaving us. Not that I want to see you suffer, but I for one appreciate your posts and your comments to my and other's posts.

Sorry you're having an angsty (thanks, KB, for creating that word) time. You're as mortal as the rest of us. Picture your wife when you're feet are leading you off that tightrope we all walk. It is hard to straddle it.

And go to my blog page and get my email address and drop me a line - we still need to get together.

Beck said...

KB: Tim is definitely (85%) straight! :)

I just get so turned upside down when I'm in with him. He really, really likes me and I really, really like him - of course in a "just friends" mode!

He's gone... at least for another couple of months... It will take that long to get to an angst-free zone.

Thanks for the comments.

Beck said...

SG: I'm not going anywhere, particularly when I'm so flustered like I am right now... I mean, I thought I was okay, and not a total mess at just seeing this guy... So, no, I'm still here (for good and for bad).

As for your email... as I've said before, I've checked your blog top to bottom, profiles, etc. and I see no contact info. Steer me to exactly where, because I don't see it. If you don't want to give it out (as I don't give mine out) then I don't know what to do.

I'd love the talk...