Friday, March 09, 2007

Distance...




I've been doing pretty well lately... even contemplating that I don't have much more to say in this blog. Maybe it's time to move on? I have a list of subjects I want to discuss, and maybe I still will, but somehow they don't seem as pressing as they once were. Is that a good thing? I don't know... I've used this blog to "come out" in ways that I can't otherwise. It's been very therapeutic... I hope for the best.

I once used "angst" in my blog title. I've removed that word as I don't feel the "angst" nearly as much. Yes, I'm still a schizophrenic, cynical, psychopath full of confused emotions "unauthenticated" and "unable to be honest with my TRUE self" crappola... as same may want to suggest - but I'm feeling less "angst" all the same.
It's been fun watching the growth and change of the MOHO queerosphere bloggers over time. I enjoy this cyber association of caring individuals - really total strangers - that become very committed and engaged in each other's lives. It's a fascinating phenomenon - one I didn't really expect, but now treasure. There is a real humanity out there and it's amazing to see it spread. But there is safe distance in blogging. There is intimacy and vulnerability and anonymity that allows me to say and share things I never would say or share otherwise.
I wish I could reach out and give a hug, or slap you in the head! Words do it, too, even more intimately - but still they are just distant words (as heartfelt as they may be) through this keyboard.

* * *
In my profession, I design things... Sometimes I get caught up in the details, the connections, the relationships of the things I'm designing that I lose perspective. The only way to gain that perspective back is to step away, to establish some distance, to step back and look at what I'm doing, what I'm designing and create a new view... And then comes enlightenment (I hope).
* * *

Tim called me this week and then wrote me a letter. He shared some dear thoughts with me. He still "loves me". I still "love him". We have a very unique funny relationship. There is a bond that is hard to describe. I've been doing well regarding placing perspective in our relationship - I think the distance has been good - giving me time to reflect, to relax a bit, to not be so stressed about my gay feelings. I wish it didn't have to be distance that defines the scope of our relationships. But even hearing his voice, reading his words, just his words - makes me weak at the knees. That's a good sign. I know I still love him in amazing emotional, spiritual brotherhood ways. And I like that I still do. Distance has been good...
* * *

My wife and I are planning escapes where we can get away and find each other again. If I don't plan intimacy (as sick as that may sound) it doesn't happen. The chaos, the stress, the confusion, the noise and clutter of life interferes... teenagers running around everywhere and with their tribes of friends - it's life... but we've got to get away more frequently, to keep the juices flowing.
There has been too much distance in our marriage. I've allowed it to nearly die in my obsession of longing for a man. I'm working through this... I don't know that I will ever be through this, but I feel a peace in where I'm going...

We are scheming in a real sense about establishing a romantic hide-away far from home once our teens are young adults - establishing some temporary distance from family and everyday life, so that we can be free to reconnect.
* * *
It's funny when I think about my relationship with my parents. We do better with a bit of distance between us. The phone calls and visits become more meaningful, more heart-felt. When we are on top of each other there is criticism and anger. The distance softens the harsh realities of our differences.
* * *
The Lord uses distance in our relationship with Him as well... That distance creates longing, seeking, searching, trying, faith. It sometimes creates loneliness, anxiety, forgetfulness, doubt. How we deal with the distance is part of the test. I know that feelings, warmth, and intimacy can come through that distant communication and rekindled remembrances...
All of this seems contrary to what one would think. I seek intimacy! No one is more "touchy-feely" than I am... I want to touch, to feel, to "know" another in my relationships. I want "close" friendships. Closeness is essential to my existence. I seek and crave closeness. But sometimes, putting distance into the relationship (bloggers, friends, wife, family, even God) allows for breathing room, adds perspective and increases affection, and strengthens remembrances and fortifies bonding ties. It is very counter-intuitve...


If used to its proper advantage, Distance can be good...


4 comments:

Kengo Biddles said...

Distance is good. As long as there is closeness in there somewhere... :)

Beck said...

I'm with you KB... I hope you understand that I'm speaking of "perspective".

Mormon Enigma said...

... even contemplating that I don't have much more to say in this blog

I think I'm starting to have abandonment issues. I'm going to miss reading your pearls of wisdom. You've helped me in ways you can't even imagine - both with your blog entries and personal emails.

However, I'm happy that you are moving onto a new phase of your life. I've just barely gotten started in the MoHo blogosphere and am learning the benefits of it's therapeutic effects. Perhaps, one day, I'll feel as you do. But, that day is not today, nor in the foreseeable future.

I pray that you and your wife are able to continue building your relationship. As another married gay Mormon, so much of what I read suggests that my marriage is doomed to fail sooner or later. It is a great strength to me to have you and others whom I can look up to. It gives me hope that we can beat the odds.

Beck said...

M.E.: I'm not going anywhere. I didn't say that I was quitting this gig. What I meant to say is that I don't feel the urgency to post some of the ideas I had previous thought to be relevant. Whether that means I'm progressing or "moving onto a new phase" of my life remains to be seen. I'm just feeling less angst than usual and I'm gaining a new perspective by distancing myself from certain things...

But who knows - tomorrow can bring all sorts of new angsts. :)

Anyway, I'm still here. I love your friendship, your love and support. You have become a great influence in my life and I appreciate more than you'll know your strength, example and kind words.

Thanks, fellow odds-beater!