Thursday, February 08, 2007


I just heard on the radio this morning that an x-Jazz NBA player is quoted as saying that "SLC is the hippest, hottest gay city east of San Francisco!" John Amaechi has come "out" as the 1st gay NBA player.

I was intrigued to say the least... For one who has lived closeted in Utah my whole life, I find it interesting - I didn't think anyone thought SLC was the "hippest, hottest" anything!

I found an article on Google from the Cincinnati Post - partially quoted below:

LeBron James, however, said he didn't think an openly gay person could survive in the league.

"With teammates you have to be trustworthy, and if you're gay and you're not admitting that you are, then you are not trustworthy," James said. "So that's like the No. 1 thing as teammates - we all trust each other. You've heard of the in-room, locker room code. What happens in the locker room stays in there. It's a trust factor, honestly. A big trust factor."

I can understand that... I don't like the comment, but I understand it... It's made me wonder what my missionaries in the MTC dorms or the YM on camping trips would think if I were to admit what Aemichi just admitted - that I was gay the whole time. Was I not a "team player"? Was I not trustworthy?

My personal deception at the time didn't allow me to be open to myself, let alone my "guys". And my coming out to myself happened "after" such associations in an official capacity... all justifications for feeling okay about this timing of things, I know... but I don't feel okay. I feel a bit melancholy today about my lack of trustworthiness. I've deceived a lot of people in my life. I've lived a double life that is full of lack of integrity and honesty. And I continue to live that un-trusting lie...

I'm not very pleased with myself today... I feel empty for what I feel toward many of my unreal "guy relationships" that I've cultivated under false pretenses in the spirit of having "proper male bonding" in my gospel-centered life. Let's be honest - I'm full of crap! If I could have had something more, I would have! I know I would have! How sick is that?

And I guess I'm also down because my untrustworthy attitude has kept me from knowing the "hippest, hottest" city right under my nose!


Scot said...

If it makes you feel any better Beck, I’ve not seen much of the SLC hip and hot, and what I’ve seen is far in the past. Hip and hot can get tired and bland real quick.

I would say, compared to a couple other cities with which I’m familiar, SLC has very friendly, large, and active gay community. I see mainly the political side, and the families, though. I also hear many people comment on how nicely our gays and lesbians get along (A rare thing?).

I've lived a double life that is full of lack of integrity and honesty.

Then I can justify not believe you on this ;-). You strike me as having much integrity and honesty, Beck.

I know it’d be great to resolve and to be able to relax with this one fact in the open, but I don’t think you can rightly beat yourself up over keeping it private, over not being more of a “team player”. It takes two to tango here; the team’s actions count too.

Beck said...

But Scot, they counted me as a member of the team, the captain of the team. They trust(ed) me! Shouldn't I be trustworthy back to them? My wife trusts(ed) me! Shouldn't I be trustworthy back to her?

I know that the past is the past and I can't beat myself over the past. But now that I'm okay with myself being who I am now as a gay man, isn't it untrustworthy to still want to be part of the team?

By the way - I really don't care about the hot and hip SLC scene. I would feel so out of place I wouldn't know what to do - I was just being a bit facetious.

Thanks for your reminding me to be kind to myself in dealing with these honesty issues. Your comments mean a lot to me.

Mormon Enigma said...

I don't believe being trustworthy necessarily equates with airing all of our dirty laundry.

For example, I don't like spaghetti. Am I untrustworthy if I don't tell that to everyone that I encounter? If I go to a friends house who spent all day preparing a Spaghetti dinner which I force myself to eat, am I being untrustworthy because I falsely led them to believe that I enjoyed eating their spaghetti?

In a perfect world, we all could walk around wearing rainbow pins to church, work, etc. and no one would think less of us. But, we live in an imperfect world and, therefore, have to make concessions.

BTW, I really don't like spaghetti. It makes me want to barf just thinking about it :-)

Beck said...

I don't think you get my point... I'm talking about allowing others (particularly certain guys) to think I'm the cool card-carrying "straight" mormon guy with his head on straight / strong testimony / never do or think anyting wrong - kind of guy who continues to be the mentor in this mentor-mentoree male bonding relationship thing... when in reality I'm not and I know I'm not and I desire something more from this male bonding with the "team".

Don't you find that a bit dishonest and untrustworthy?

P.S. I love spaghetti. I could eat it morning, noon, and night! Next time M.E. you are forced to eat it (to be polite etc.) just ask for a doggy bag and ship it my direction! :(

Anonymous said...

Wow, I tried to read the post, but I couldn't get past the picture. You sure know how to grab me with the pictures! :)

Note that I changed my blog address today, it is now

Anonymous said...

I think not disclosing your sexuality in a situation where perhaps you either assume, or even know for a fact, it might be met with a negative response it not dishonest.

If you are actively trying to convince people you are straight for some alternate agenda...maybe getting closer them or to get them to put themselves in a vulnerable position then that's dishonest.

I don't think anyone should be required to disclose every facet of their person and being to be trustworthy. I would guess, and maybe I'm assuming too much, that LeBron may have an issue with a gay teammate beyond the non disclosure for it to be such a trust issue.

If someone is part black, but passes as white, and is in a room full of white people who may or may not be racist do they have to disclose their racial background in the name of honesty?

Requiring people to volunteer this information is just another way of making it an issue in my opinion. If it weren't an issue it wouldn't matter and you wouldn't always assume that someone is straight unless they say otherwise.

I'm a straight female by the way, I guess I should divulge that for the sake of "honesty".

Thrasius said...

I really see where you are coming from. I have often felt guilty because everyone praises me for having tremendous self-control. I feel like the social structures of a strict society have pressured me to have self-control, and I realize that I may not be as strong as everyone thinks. It's a frightening thought.
Don't worry though. We all have to play the hands that we've been dealt and I am sure you're doing a lot better with your hand than you give yourself credit for. Try not to be too down on yourself.

Beck said...

Thrasius: It's easy to have great self-control when you're gay and the self-control is being evaluated in not being tempted by the straight-world. Easy! If they only really knew!

Thanks for understanding... I'm okay - I'm just a bit in a funk.

Anonymous said...

I have found people are generally more interested in the details of their own lives than they are in someone else's. I have also found that some revelations of self can be burdensome to others around us, and it is good to be sensitive to others. Is being sensitive the same as being dishonest? No, I think it is called manners.

Trying to be honorable and not always succeeding is not the same as purposely living a double life.

Anonymous said...

According to an earlier post your wife wakes up crying because of your "relationships" with these young men. Integrity?

You place yourself into situations with these young men who trust and look up to you so that you can meet some personal need for male touch. Honesty?

If we don't spend a little time beating ourselves for the "past" do we ever move on, or do we just keep doing the same thing over expecting different results. I say go ahead and feel the burn man.

Beck said...

This last comment above FINALLY gets the point of my message! This is exactly what I'm saying! This is exactly what I am feeling! I want to be in a funk to feel the "burn" enough to learn and do something about it!

Thank you anonymous for nailing it for me! You said it better than I!