A great friend recently wrote me the following...Here are my thoughts on why you don’t relate to any guys your own age:
Of course you’re not attracted to "older" men. Older men aren’t as muscled and smooth…you see where I’m going with this, right? The 20-something crowd represents something to you that is special. It represents freedom. It represents self-discovery and it also takes you back to a time in your life when you yourself were unaware of your issues, and you felt free to express love and to receive love from men.
There may not be anything deeper than that, but of course there can always be something that is underlying this. You of course, like all of us, are scared of getting older. But why do you, Beck, fear death? Growing old is only the next step to the end, and you are using the illusion of youth (20-something year old men) as a symbol of postponing death, and/or avoiding the end of this life. And then of course there is the face value…Tim is hot, who wouldn’t go weak in the knees when they see him? Don’t think too deeply about it. You may find that once this need for a “fix” passes, that your temptation will lessen.
And, of course our relationship is "age appropriate,” because we share a common bond, and we care about each other. I’m here for you, and you’re here for me, so that’s all that’s important, right?
Focus on the energy you are releasing when you take time to focus on Tim or another guy. What really is going on is that you are releasing energy from your soul that is in the form of doubt and fear. You doubt your relationship with your wife, you doubt your testimony, and you doubt your self-worth. Try focusing instead on releasing energy in the form of Love,
and Power. Focus on what you are grateful for, on what you are overjoyed to have in your life. Let the good feelings of commitment and connection for your family fill your heart...
When I say I don't relate with guys my own age, I'm referring not in the sense that I don't have friendships with the 40-something crowd - I do! I have lots of business associates as friends and we get along great. I have many church (yes, even in the HP group) and neighborhood connections that are "age-appropriate" and spiritually binding as we've knitted our souls together appropriately. And I have numerous family relations that are connected friendships in a more age-appropriate way - but they all exist without the SSA, without the "attraction" aspect of the relationship. The attraction aspect of the relationship is definitely focused on the 20-something crowd only. It is something special to me, as my friend points out.
Maybe I'm just a slut and want the "hot" factor as something that I miss. But it's more than that. I feel alive, and young, and excited and engaged and enthusiastic. I want to feel that way all the time. There is definitely something different, something more magical, something more involved with this attraction. I mean, when was the last time my heart skipped a beat when my brother-in-law steps into the room, or my next-door-neighbor? And yet when "He" steps into view, my heart starts pounding!
Is it just envy? Is it just doubt? Is it just a longing for what I'm not? Am I just a slut and my attraction is definitely turned on just by the "hot" factor - how shallow is that? - Or is the "hot" factor just what this attraction is about?
My relationship with Tim and others like him have been much more than the "hot" factor. We have connected in love and power, in spirituality, in brotherhood, in true friendship - there has been so much more than just the "hotness"... And all of these feelings and connections have been real and powerful and love-based in the purest of senses and they have been mutually wonderful in a way that make you glad to exist, happy to be alive, joyful for being human! Yet, if I'm truly honest, the "hot" factor has been there as well...
Or...Am I just afraid of getting old?...
8 comments:
Beck, I’d not claim to understand what it’d be like to be in your shoes, but could it be in part that you’ve not been able to grow and develop your orientation, as most (err, many ;-)) other men do? Keeping in mind obsession with youth is common among straight men (for very clear biological reasons having nothing to do with deep psychology ;-)), it just seems this lack of aging in attraction happens in the gay community mainly in those who’ve not found a way to integrate their orientation into their lives, family and otherwise.
I mean, that attraction may not have pressure to evolve towards a man’s experience, stability, competence, wisdom, along with all the grey hairs, and so on, over his youth and ‘hotness’ unless you can see yourself building and do build a family with them, and develop the attraction into your entire life. Does that make sense? I don’t know, but that’s been my experience, and it may just have to be a tolerated quality of orientation. But, again, I think you handle yourself well with these cards.
Yes, I think that has a lot to do with it and I'm glad you're comfortable enough to tell me so.
When I have thought of whether to leave all behind to really evolve with another man with his "experience, stability, competence, wisdom, along with all the grey hairs, and so on, over his youth and 'hotness'" I just can't do it. I don't see myself being comfortable with who I am at my age with my lack of experience, etc. to even imagine someone else being comfortable with me as well... Does that make sense?
I think it has a lot to do with that I don't know what I'm talking about, what I'm feeling, that I have no "experience" and that all is in a youthful fantasy... that I'm beginning to have a melt-down and realize just how inable I am to have any real relationships in real time and space.
I don't think I'm handling it very well.
I think I understand. I’m sure it’s very difficult too. In saying you’re handling it well, I don’t mean to downplay the weight of your burden, but point out that I’m sure the average man in the same predicament wouldn’t do so well.
Maybe this is too much of a calculating view to apply to such an emotional topic, but I guess I’m saying, even if a transition to attraction to 40-somethings is less likely with your situation, it may not matter much when you’re not going to “leave all behind”. Both would be qualities of your orientation in need of similar management. I mean, say you became attracted to older men, attracted to their qualities that make them good candidates in building a stable home with you; that doesn’t seem much easier or significantly different, for your particular situation, as long as there’s no sneaking around. Even though, for out and active gay men, that’s a very important transition.
As for youthful fantasies and experience, I wish I had some words of comfort (by “experience” though I was referring to life experience, which I’m sure you have in spades). Still, I, for one, do not think my hope is misplaced in believing you can make it through this intact in one way or another, and with real relationships.
So, in reality, I shouldn't worry about it anyway, because as long as I'm "committed" to my family commitments - because I want to be - then why does it matter that my attractions get misplaced as they aren't going to lead to anything anyway. Right?
In which case, I'm a total mess! I desire attraction relationships that aren't real and I desire committed relationships that are real - AUGGHH!
I'm hanging on your hope, hoping you're hope is not misplaced in my abilities to survive this intact!
Beck, I know that of all my friendships that I've made with men my junior, the only one that wasn't based on me thinking they're hot was AtP. The others have been because I've thought them very attractive, and i've made friends with them. I think you've come to some level of catharsis with Scot here, but I just want to add that some of your friend's comments, and some of your own are all that matter.
If you're devoted to your family, recognize that there's the hotness factor that turns your head and get on with life. No sense in letting it consume you day and night. We should talk. I'll e-mail you.
KB: you don't think ATP is hot? I can't believe you just wrote that.
;-)
KB says: If you're devoted to your family, recognize that there's the hotness factor that turns your head and get on with life. No sense in letting it consume you day and night.
Yeah, I understand the words and appreciate the sentiment, but, easier said than done. Now tell me how, better yet, show me how... email me!
To respond to -L-, no, I don't think AtP is hot ... I know he is. ;) He's the best looking moho in the queerosphere, after all, just ask him and Queen Sam!
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