Thursday, February 15, 2007

Funk...


I continue in my "funk"...


I seem to be in a cycle where I 'want' to feel uneasy and uncomfortable with myself. I feel this can be a good thing if I allow myself to learn and grow from it. Some reading this may encourage me to move on and not dwell in my "funkdom". I'm not sure I want to just yet.

In a previous post, an anonymous comment resonated with me:

According to an earlier post your wife wakes up crying because of your "relationships" with these young men. Integrity? Exactly my point - how cruel is that to cause her such grief over my "relationships". Where is the integrity in that? Where is the integrity in my marriage when I seek "relationships" outside the bonds of matrimony? Where is the honesty in the love for my wife when I desire such things...

You place yourself into situations with these young men who trust and look up to you so that you can meet some personal need for male touch. Honesty? Exactly my point - Am I not really using these "relationships" for a physical, emotional, human need I have of touch and connection with another guy, who may or may not desire the same thing in return... and because I don't admit those are the driving force behind said "relationships" (even though there are good, altruistic motives of friendship, kindness, care and compassion for another human being) am I really being honest when I desire so much more...

If we don't spend a little time beating ourselves for the "past" do we ever move on, or do we just keep doing the same thing over expecting different results. I say go ahead and feel the burn man. Exactly my point - we need to get in a funk now and then and stew over the past in order to move on to better things. I agree that there are times when we need to feel "the burn, man!"


And so I find myself six weeks without a hug, a touch, a caress, a smile, a hand-hold from "Tim". I thought with him being physically out of my life that things would get better - that I would find myself less distracted and more able to concentrate on my wife and on things "truly important". I thought I could forget him and be able to "move on". I thought that my Kinsey Scale number would go down and I would be able to focus more on the "normal" things of life without "distractions".


But I've found just the opposite to be true. I find I'm in a cycle where my number is 5.333 and rising quickly! I find I'm hungering more for that male hug, touch, caress, smile and hand holding! I find I'm distracted by other men even more. Am I going through withdrawals? I feel like an addict. He served as my "fix" and as long as I had a couple of "hits" a week, I was doing okay and everything else could be normal and I could strive for honest relations with my wife. However, as my "hits" have vanished, I'm feeling even more anxious and uneasy. Is it possible to be feeling a withdrawal? I have found in these last six weeks my pulling away from my wife, not drawing toward her. I have found my desires for her affection diminishing, not strengthening. What is going on here?

Even yesterday, I planned a great Valentine's surprise date with an intimate candlelight dinner for two, presents, roses, the works... plus an evening out on the town! It was all perfect. Yet, most of the time I was thinking of Tim or even worse, I was thinking of the completely gorgeous guy a few seats over from our seats at the ballet. I couldn't take my eyes off of him at each intermission - long golden blond straight hair, dark brown sideburns, piercing blue eyes... Here I was supposed to be devoted to her and I daydream about him. What is going on here?

Tim has written several heart-felt messages with expressions of love - friendship love. I'm grateful for our unique friendship - but I find my desires for his touch overwhelming. I need a "fix" so that I can be normal with my wife again. This is all so ridiculous. This is all so hideous. That is why I've got to "funk" over this and beat myself up to come to some conclusion of how to move on instead of just keeping keeping-on. I need to recognize my dishonesty and lack of integrity in order to find it again. I need to come to grips with my "needs" (though some may see them not truly as human needs) of affection, of touch to be met on a more even rhythm. I need to let Tim go without going through withdrawals. I need to not be so distracted by every gorgeous long-haired blond with dark sideburns and piercing blue eyes. I have lots of needs...


I need to be in a "funk"...

9 comments:

Foxx said...

You feel like an addict, but you aren't. Have you ever been dependent on a substance? Have you gone through those withdrawls? If you study it a little bit on the internet, you'll find that it's a different ballgame entirely.

I don't think your reaction to him being gone is altogether that unique. Any kid whose schooldays best friend, crush, or boy/girlfriend moves away feels similarly, like part of them is missing, or like they won't feel the same without them.

The fact is, you have needs, as a human being. We all do. Tim represents something that filled one of your needs. Whenever your needs are being filled, and that stimulus gets taken away, you feel that loss, and that feeling is uncomfortable, at best.

I think it's safe to say that, unlike an addiction, your desire for a certain kind of intimacy (and I'm not talking about sex here, people) is not going to diminish. It's easy to say you feel like an addict because you can couple "immoral" behaviors together (I use quotes because morality is relative).

I think every human being needs emotional imtimacy in some fashion. Everybody wants to be vulnerable to someone.

At some point, when you realize that these feelings and desires and needs are neither unnatural nor immoral, and that they are not going away, you are going to have to have a conversation with your wife about what it means to feel complete, and what you need to do to fill those needs enough so that you feel satisfied without stepping over the boundaries that you and your wife agree on so that she can feel satisfied.

And, really, it's not that foreign a concept. Every couple has to compromise to a degree to help each other get what they need out of the relationship, and out of life, because they care primarily about the other person.

You'll have to help her to not blow your need out of proportion and make it into a gay relationship. To do that, you have to be realistic and help her trust that you will not cross the line.

I guess this only applies if you can classify your desire for male affection as a need, rather than the craving of an addict.

Kengo Biddles said...

Beck, I'll say this: You have a lot that you're thinking about right now, and from my point of view, there are valid and invalid points. But because I'm not a mental-health professional I won't tell you what you need to do, or should do, or could do. But I will say consider going to a counselor if you're not already. Find someone you can trust. Someone who can be a sounding board for your questions, your thoughts, your concerns.

I love ya, Beck. Sort through the funk and come through even better than before on the other side. :)

SG said...

I really believe we go through cycles of attraction (I wrote a blog about it not too long ago, albeit it wasn't terribly eloquent). Forgive the analogy, but I likened them to hormonal periods of a woman, or to cycles of the moon. At least that's the way they seem to have been for me.

They have also, in more sinister ways, been alleviated by getting a fix, typically by way of M and P, but those tend to create downward cycles that escalate into more cravings that can have more serious outcomes.

Are there healthy ways to get that male/male fix? Can they occur without sexualizing them?

A therapist once suggested I try a male massage therapist. I had to work really hard to not sexualize the experience, but I cannot tell you how extraordinarily therapeutic it was to have a man's strong, gentle hands on me in a non-sexual way. I cried through most of it. He said it wasn't unsual for that to happen.

Beck, I know you live in SLC; there are several massage schools where students work for quite a low fee. I'd recommend it to anyone.

We still need to get together for lunch!

Beck said...

FOXX: You are wise beyond your years. Thanks for the clarification of addiction verses a need. I am not addicted, but I do have needs and sorting through why I have this need and why he fills it will help me to move on.

KB: I've tried counseling but I didn't know what I wanted or what I should ask. I'm getting closer to knowing at least what to ask by asking these type of questions. Thanks for the encouragement.

SG: I don't know how I'd feel about a massage. I like your creative suggestion, though. And I'd really like to go to lunch... when and where?

SG said...

Beck my bro - go to my blog profile to my email link to contact me offline.

Beck said...

Sorry SG, but I looked and you're email ain't there - at least I don't see it.

Thrasius said...

Thanks for this post. It really resonated with me because of what I just posted earlier tonight. Stay strong friend. I know what you are going through.

Beck said...

THRASIUS: Thank you for your post. I've been meaning to post something about "human touch" for a long time and my "need" to have that touch... stay tuned.

santorio said...

i agree with sg:

i've only had one real massage--i've avoiden them, sure that i'd get hard and be embarrassed. but it was surprisingly non-sexual and yet sensually fulfilling at the same time.