Saturday, September 30, 2006
Is this significant?
Right out of the chute, General Conference starts with Elder Oaks addressing the SSA issues and embracing the healing power of the Atonement. Is this significant?
I was surprised it came as the first talk! I hoped Elder Oaks would say something more on the subject. Though it's hard to listen to what is said "between the lines" when the broadcast is live, I did catch a few things (in my words):
1. Seeking counseling for CHANGE of SSA isn't necessarily a good thing.
2. Finding out the WHY behind why one is proned to these attractions also isn't really necessary.
3. Accepting these "challenges" and :deciding" what to do about them is more important.
4. Allowing the healing power of the atonement to lift the "burden" of these attractions is essential.
Again, I ask, is this significant to lead with such a talk?
-- I am not seeking change.
-- I am no longer asking why.
-- I am striving to accept these challenges and decide what to do about them.
-- I am trying to allow the atonement to have a lifting power. But this one, I'm doing a pretty poor job of. I allow my emotions, feelings, attractions, to get the better part of me. I have allowed this blog to be my VOICE of internal consciousness of my musings. I have done so in an effort of self-counseling. Any reader becomes a voyeur of sorts watching me utter and deal with these musings. I tend to hang on to my attractions and linger over them, even fondly. I haven't learned to shed myself of all ungodliness.
A dear friend kindly reminded me of Moroni's concluding words: "Yea, come unto Christ and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves all ungodliness... then is his grace sufficient for you..." (Moroni 10:32).
I love this scripture. I have it triple underlined, circled and highlighted. I know my job is to deny myself all ungodliness...so that THEN, his grace is sufficient for me. As much as Moroni's words sound very rigid and inflexible, I still believe, as I've previously stated, that still the "rules of engagement" of the Atonement allow for one to DO all that is within his ability and understanding TO DO in denying himself of ungodliness! If ALL ungodliness conditionally must be completely and perfectly denied BEFORE the Atonement is sufficient - we might as well give up hope right here and now, because it ain't possible!
Elder Oaks words were comforting. They didn't jump out as criticism toward those like me with this personal trait of who I am. He did give me hope that even I, imperfect as I am, with vile and unfaithful thoughts that abound in my mind as I muse through these attractions, with struggles to keep within the bounds the Lord has set, and to keep my passions within those bounds, and to cherish and nurture my marital vows and covenants and not mock them through my flirtatious and infatuating relationships that I've more than longingly articulated on these posts (even with envy and long-suffering to NOT deny myself of these my FAVORITE SINS) - even I may still have HOPE.
As a footnote: I state emphatically that I have no intention of hurting or seeking to harm anyone through my words or actions, stupid, frivolous or immature as they may be! I have a huge fallacy of saying too quickly what I'm thinking, sometimes flippantly. I apologize to ALL that I may have offended because of my words! I ask your forgiveness! I need your strength! I covet the strength of this "blog community" that I feel a small part of. The blogsphere is a strange new world. We throw out to the cyberspace of complete strangers our thoughts and feelings in a very open and carefree manner - something that NEVER would we do in reality in our conversations with even dear friends, family, associates. Maybe I need to rethink how I use this media. I blog for myself. But deep down I jealously cherish the input from others - my friends of this community - as I seek validation, self-worth, and meaning that I find in no other place. My words affect others as your words affect me.
Again, I mean no harm... I must use more caution.
Maybe I am the one who should disappear for a while...