Thursday, September 14, 2006

He's still here...

He was supposed to have gone off to college out of town.

I was going to get over him. I was going to move on with my life and leave this "crush" behind. Infatuation isn't good for someone my age in my family situation.

I went away for a while and he went away, but now he's back.

He changed his plans and is still here going to the local college instead.

We sat together in Priesthood last week arms around each other sitting closer than most newlyweds!

He called me today! I did not call him. I have tried not to even think about him. But I jumped with joy when he called. My heart skipped. We talked about his life, his struggles, his goals - including his "love-life" with a GIRL! Yes, a GIRL that he's head-over-heels in love with. (I hate to disappoint Chris/Hurricane, but fortunately or unfortunately he's definitely straight).

I'm going nuts!

* * *

I've been thinking about this "crush" and have decided that it has a lot to do with the fact that as I was growing up, I didn't ever have a friend, a close guy friend to hang out with... Sure I had friends, schoolmates and such - but no one that really hung out with me or that we did things together besides school.

... to arm wrestle (as I was always the weakling and too embarrassed to show how weak and skinny I was against any other guy - I wasn't athletic and anything to do with phyiscal strength or athletics or sports or balls didn't enter my consciousness), go camping up in the mountains just as friends, or to goof around at the beach - particularly shirtless (again I was so self-conscious of being skinny and uncoordinated that I'd never ever want to be seen shirtless by anyone, particularly my peers - and I felt inferior to other males who I viewed as something different from me, something to be in awe of, not to relate with),

... or to hang out in the basement drinking or just chillin' together, mainly because I wasn't very fun to be around (a nerdy, studious kind of guy that would rather study than party - and besides, I didn't drink, and I didn't know how to "chill"),

... or flexing or showing off each other's bodies... just because - well, because I had nothing to flex and nothing to show off and I was way too shy to be so casual with other guys and do guy things.

In the end, I just didn't know how - I never learned - to act like the other guys and be a guy and not be afraid of guys and...

And in the process, I'm still missing even today a huge HOLE in my development. I ache for that HOLE in my life to be filled.

HE helps me fill up my hole that only a "guy friend" can do! Is that bad?

My RIBS are almost completely healed. I'm ready for another bear hug!


Change1996 said...

And I'm ready to hear about it.My hugger just moved. Not sure if it's good or back. It was time I guess I grew through him and he had to move on, so I guess it's okay.

santorio said...

my son was into sports big time in high school; just a few group dates. was i worried? you bet. my daughter went to a all-womens college. worried? of course. despite all my claims of self-affirmation, i was happy and relieved with their respective straight engagements and marriages.