Monday, July 03, 2006


It was our anniversary so we decided to get away from it all and go to the coast for a few days. With all of the stress and emotion of our current relationship in the air, with pain and tears so close to the surface, it wasn't clear if being alone together - away from the kids - and trying to commemorate our marriage and to remember why we are married - was such a good idea with so much other baggage dealing with the "issues" at hand. I was nervous. Would we fight? Would this be it? Would I be able to "perform" the way I wanted to and the way she wanted me to? Would we be committed to each other despite everything?

Needless to say, there was skepticism on how this long weekend would work out. But, I was willing to give it my all in devoting time and effort to her and to our relationship. She wanted to do the same for me and let our past struggles be in the past, at least for this trip.

Being willing to go to counseling (even though it didn't click with me), but just the act to do SOMETHING, really opened up our discussions and allowed us to communicate more freely. That communication helped us to get past our worries and frustrations with each other and be free to express intimacy in a way that showed commitment, bonding and love. Friday night went fantastic and I was able to BE THE MAN that I wanted to be with her and without "thinking other thoughts" during the act. She was beautiful and wonderful and amazing - like the woman I once married two decades ago. I concentrated on her and she on me and it worked! It was great and I was excited and she was excited and for a moment, we were healed.

That night we watched an incredible, stunning sunset over the calm ocean cuddling together on the sandy beach. It was magical and I felt in love with her! I truly did! And, I really didn't even look for "hotties" on the beach. I was concentrating on her and on the moment and it felt good and I realized I really wanted her for my eternal companion. I mean, I've always felt this way, but for this moment I felt this way again. For someone who doesn't live by the ocean, seeing those mesmerising waves is hypnotizing and so soothing - maybe I was under some kind of hypnotic spell! For those who live along the coast, I'm sure you don't get why tourists will come just to watch the waves... maybe it's a "taken for granted" kind of thing. But, whatever it was, there was a peace and comfort, a complete satisfaction that we were together and happy to be married despite everything. No words of whys or how-comes etc! No painful comments about wasted years. Just us, as we are, together, right here, right now!

Like I said, that night was incredible and the next morning was great as well. We lounged in bed and talked about our intimacy and working to relax and be less stressful with each other. We admitted that that is harder to do than to say. I mean, it's easy to say that we won't "worry about our issues", when it only takes some kind of difficulty to present itself and then the flood of the past neglect and pain, hurt and misunderstanding rushes to the surface.

Saturday we drove down the coast and found a light house that was open for limited tours and timed it just right to get in. We had to hike up to it on the rocky outcropping and it took 3 hours to do the full tour - but we felt spontaneous and joined in with a small group of maybe 15 people.

Then, disaster struck... at least internally within my warped, homosexual mind. A gorgeous guy was on the tour with us. At first I tried to keep my eyes off of him, but I couldn't. He was perfect - young, blond, deep blue intelligent and intense eyes, slim yet athletic, tall (6'-4"), broad shoulders, new beard, and extremely attractive. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him as we'd hike the cliff or we'd stand and listen to the tour guide, or whatever... I stopped looking at the scenery at large and just looked at the scenery up close and personal. I even took a picture of him - now how moronic is that????
(I really wanted to photograph him from top to bottom) but I was too shy to ask for him to "pose" and I didn't want my wife to suspect the turmoil going on inside of me - especially after such a great day). I started imagining what it would be like to be his boyfriend, to be kissed by him. I began to hate myself for these feelings, particularly on such a nice weekend. But there it was - in all its glory. I had eternity at my fingertips, and yet my lustful desires wanted something more, wanted this totty!

I'm pathetic! But not enough to resist staring at him and fantacising about him the entire time... and that led to my falling into the trap of fantacising about him loving me that next night when I should have been fantacising about my wife!

I hate myself! I tried so hard to do it right. I want so much to seek and obtain eternal life with my wife, yet my natural lusts are so easily swayed away from those lofty goals just by the simple sighting of a fantastically beautiful young man! I don't have the strength any more to turn away. I hunger to know what it feels like to be loved by someone like him... and yet I know it is wrong in my situation to live this way. I can't have it both ways and it isn't fair to even ask for such a dual existence.

Fortunately, Sunday came and we were in sequence again and I calmed down and was back in control. My mental fling of internal lust was over. But I feel unfaithful. I feel like I'm cheating. I feel so weak and out of control. I feel so stupid.

But as I think about it even today, it's an irony. Here I was concentrating on my wife, my marriage, my eternal commitments, and doing a dang good job of it, too... I mean we were close and feeling good in each other's arms, even making out on the street and in plain view of others - loving the excitement of loving each other like newlyweds again (we were making out in some woods and a couple came by on their bikes and said "ooooh... sorry" as they went by taking in the view of us going at it - my wife commented later that weren't we acting a bit forward for a couple our age and I responded... "who cares" - let them stare! And I loved every minute of it) AND THEN,


In one view, I'm swept away completely off my feet, my heart racing at the thought of this forbidden love. I mean, what is wrong with me? What am I thinking? Do I have that little self control? Am I that much of a slut?

I keep asking myself...isn't the hope of eternity, and living with God and my family and wife forever good enough?

Apparently to my physical desires, it isn't... And that torments me inside!

Man I'm a mess...


Dave Walter said...

I tried so hard to do it right.

I mean, what is wrong with me?

I'm not sure that you'll be more at peace unless you break out of the "right and wrong" mindset. Your homosexuality and accompanying lustful desires just are. They're a natural part of mankind.

Beck, I have to say this: I believe you're going to end up coming out and allowing yourself to be the gay person you are.

I view all guys in your situation -- gay, married, and devout -- as sharing the further common denominator of containing one's gayness, with varying emotional repercussions.

I get the strong sense that you're not among those who can contain their gayness and still lead happy lives. I think you're going to be miserable if you go through the rest of your life without experiencing what it's like to be gay. And by "gay," I'm not merely referring to gay sex, but to gay love as well.

I apologize if I've added to your "mess." I hope you find a new therapist who can help you resolve your issues.

Kim Mack said...

Beck, just have to say I disagree with Dave here.

Too many of us who have experienced what you are experiencing are finding peace without experiencing "gay love." Too many of us have fallen for it and went there and lost everything, only to find it wasn't what they wanted after all.

Keep hanging in there. Keep working on the fantasy - which you have more control of than you seem to realize.

You'll make it.

Chris said...


I'm not going to get into the back and forth that a conversation between dave walter and kim could entail. You know from reading about my experience how I am resolving the conflict of being gay and married. I'm not going to be married anymore.

But what I want to say to you is simply this: stop beating yourself up for being gay. You're gay! Of course you noticed the beautiful young man on the tour. Of course! And you always will, no matter how great the weekend with your wife is. What you do with that is entirely up to you. But I just hate to see you using it as a club to beat yourself up with.

Beck said...

I have a theory about why these experiences happen to me and I allow them to happen. I'm learning to accept that they happen because I am GAY and I like it!

DW: I am containing my 'gayness' and I am miserable. I do want to "experience" this emotional desire and know what it really is like - but I'm scared to embrace it (and there are numerous reasons for this hesitancy)... at least at this point. It's not so easy as to just say: "Okay gay world, here I am! Come and get it!"

KIM: Embracing the fantasy that I can control and keep in perspective of where I am - now that has been the story of my life.

CHRIS: I know your story. I'm intrigued with what you've done. I see your honesty. I can't say at this point that I can follow this same path, but, be assured, I sincerely seek the path of embracing these feelings without using them as a club with which to beat myself up! But how?

Ward Cleaver said...

You are not alone.

I suffer each and every day as you have described here. Because of this, I am in a perpetual state of self-loathing.

I know EXACTLY every tiny emotion you felt....that you described.
I also think and wonder the SAME things.

As for the comments made here:
I see a difference in gay love and gay lust.

You are not alone.

Kim Mack said...

I agree with Chris. Even though I don't fantasize and don't act on my feelings, I still have them. And I think part of why it's not a struggle for me is that I don't beat myself up over them. They come, I say "interesting" or "yeah, she's quite hot" and then I move on without taking it any further. Not because I'm bad if I do, but because it doesn't bring me peace. Notice, move on, don't make it mean anything other than noticing a fine piece of work. It takes practice, but a practice worth undertaking.