I have another theory about this concept of being attracted to those whose relationship is inherently SAFE...
Maybe,
Just maybe...
It is, after all, the whisperings of the "still small voice"...
Trying to keep me safe.
I wonder, even in my fallen and corrupt state,
Can I still hear the Holy Ghost speaking to me,
Counseling me,
Admonishing me,
Comforting me?
I know His voice.
I recognize it as I tune in the dial.
Of course, there are many voices,
Some loud and garish, bright and brassy,
Some soft and subtle, delicate and restrained.
Of late, my tuning skills are quite fuzzy and unrefined.
I still have the skills and have not forgotten the station.
Which voices do I choose to listen to?
Am I past feeling?
Just another thought.
I really don't know.
I remember once knowing very clearly.
Remember, remember those promptings.
* * *
I still think it's based in FEAR.
4 comments:
Hi Beck,
I have enjoyed reading your blog. A lot of what you share resonants with me. I'd love to email you more privately if that is ok with you. I couldn't find your email address on your profile. Mine is enduringtotheend@gmail.com
~Eric
Beck,
I believe your ruminations are an essential coping mechanism, but not particularly useful in bringing you comfort or enlightenment.
My guess is that if you walked into a therapist's office with your theories, he or she would simply tell you to put them aside and say, "Let's just focus on the fundamental issues."
And yes, one of the fundamental issues is certainly fear.
Though the primary concerns of why I haven't come to "embrace" the issues of homosexuality are based in FEAR, there still are spiritual feelings (however you may care to describe them) that are personal and real and powerful - and these feelings also keep me from "crossing the line" and staying on the side where it is "safe" even when all other types of feelings (particularly lust) tell me to do otherwise.
Spiritual issues are as fundamental as they get. I'm referring more to such thoughts as:
Which voices do I choose to listen to?
Am I past feeling?
Once the fundamentals are addressed, you'll find yourself not asking those kinds of questions anymore, and not ruminating in the way that you did in your previous post.
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