Monday, July 24, 2006


As a follow-up...

My mind has wandered and I vividly remember an event during my time as an MTC teacher. I was teaching my district of missionaries the discussion on the commandments. They would memorize and organize their thoughts and when they were ready to "pass off" that particular discussion, I would take them one by one or two by two (depending on time and the situation) and do a role play, where they would "teach me" in the language without any use of English, and I would play the investigator - only speaking the language. I would occasionally get them off-script just to see how they would handle the situation and to prove to them that they could answer questions or concerns even if the answer wasn't memorized. It was a lot of fun and I tried to make it as real as possible.

One time, I was being taught the Law of Chastity by a beautiful sister missionary. She was quite sharp, intelligent, with gorgeous blonde hair and a smile that could melt anyone's hard heart! I'll call her Sorella M. Sorella M. was doing just fine and I was playing it pretty cool... Then, I remembered the situation of the 18 year old sax-playing student who loved "Chicago" and his bet of us finding any virgin his age. I don't know what possessed me, but I started impersonating him. I started going flippant on her as Sorella M. taught me to stay morally clean.

"You can't expect me to live like that!" I shouted in the language. "You have no idea of what you're asking me to do!".

At first, Sorella M. didn't quite know what to do, but I could tell in her eyes that she was following what I was saying and the true meaning behind my explosion of emotion and was getting caught up in the role play. She tried to explain that this was something that the Lord expects of his children...

I went ballistic and started throwing a tantrum, using my hands in disgust that she couldn't expect the Lord to expect this of me.

And then, not thinking what I was doing I stared directly at her in character and point-blank fired: "Are you a virgin?"

In any other situation, I would never have asked such a question of a sister missionary. We were alone, the door to the corridor of the classroom opened, but still private.

She was stunned! It was as if I had hit her in the gut with my clinched fist. At first she didn't say anything - she didn't know what to say. I was so into character that I didn't realize for a minute what I had asked. I wondered if she had understood the question.

Oh, yeah, she understood all right. Tears started forming in her eyes as she tensed up with emotion and tried to stay controlled. I finally realized what I had done. Thoughts of "what if she's not?" or "what if she had been sexually active?" or "abused?" etc. started racing through my insensitive brain.

Still in character, I told her she didn't have to answer that question and it was inappropriate of me to ask.

But, she interrupted me and said... "No!" she wanted to answer. Tears now flowing down her cheeks, she looked at me with her intense blue eyes and stated emphatically "Si'". Yes, she was. The spirit was so strong that I will never forget those emotions and intense feelings of that moment.

We broke the role play. I told her how sorry I was. She said that she was caught up in the moment as well, and thought "What if I couldn't answer 'yes' to that question if posed by an investigator?". And she was emotional because she was grateful to have been able to answer "Si'". She had the CHOICE. It was still hers to make. She had the perspective or basis of comparison to realize the blessings of having made that choice that I as the 18 year old sexually active student would never understand. She had knowledge. I had experience.

I tell me young daughter to not play in the busy street, to stay away from the burning stove; so many things that I want to protect her from harm! Does she really need to place her hand on the stove to KNOW that it is hot? Of course not, but what is it that keeps her wanting to try?

Why do I want to KNOW so much what it feels like to go beyond emotional bonding and into the realm of physical bonding with another man? Is it too much to ask to KNOW, to experience for myself? Can I gain KNOWLEDGE any other way?

Do I really need to place my hand on that stove?

I am the one who will ultimately choose.

P.S. HAPPY PIONEER DAY! I'm off to the Ward Breakfast at the Bishop's back yard. I wonder if any "hotties" will be there? :)


p.p.s. He was there. We smiled at each other from across several tables making eye contact on the side. I tried to stay away from him, purposefully not talking to him... but I couldn't keep my eye off of him smiling at me. While talking to someone, he came from behind and started wrestling me to the ground, squeezing all the air out of my lungs... I think he broke one of my ribs. He smiled as we got up, me a bit surprised and frazzled.

What was that all about?

Keep thinking about the stove! It's awfully hot out there!


Dave Walter said...

Why do I want to KNOW so much what it feels like to go beyond emotional bonding and into the realm of physical bonding with another man?

In the heterosexual world, this question doesn't ever come up. It's assumed that men and women desire physical as well as emotional intimacy. It should be the same for gays.

Beck, have you found another therapist yet? Do I have to start nagging you again?

Beck said...

You mean to tell me that a hetero guy doesn't ask such questions? Really? I ask those kind of questions all the time!

I have found another therapist, but I'm going to be gone out of the country for a while so I'm scheduling it for when I get back.

I love your nagging! Keep it up! I know I drive you crazy, but your nagging shows you care about me, a perfect stranger. That means a lot.

Dave Walter said...

I ask those kind of questions all the time!

But you're not hetero. : )

-L- said...

It's assumed that men and women desire physical as well as emotional intimacy.

Yeah, and it's assumed they'll keep their randy hands to themselves when they've made a promise to someone else. Goes for heteros and homos both.

Beck said...

Homosexuality is no excuse for infidelity. I understand that. I am promised to someone else. I am trying to get a grasp on why my hands want to wander, knowing I've got an amazing committed relationship right in front of me!