Wednesday, July 26, 2006
A BROKEN RIB...
I think I really did break my rib! I haven't been able to sleep for two days now. I need to keep myself propped up with pillows in a semi-sitting / semi-reclining position. I can't roll onto my side without pain. I can't breathe deeply without pain. But otherwise I'm doing fine.
Maybe I should explain... I was just standing there at the Pioneer Day ward breakfast in the Bishop's backyard. There were a hundred ward neighbors and friends gathered around socializing over runny eggs, pancakes, sausage, catelope cubes and orange juice. It was another 24th of July in Utah! I saw HIM and we made eye-contact. I didn't do anything more than that. HE gave me a heart-melting smile back. I didn't approach HIM or talk to HIM (I was with my wife and kids after all). A while later after we had eaten and my wife had gone off talking with some other sisters in the ward, I was engaged in conversation with the Bishop's wife, HE came from behind and wrapped his strong arms around me and proceeded to squeeze the life out of me with a bear-hug from behind. As I quickly stopped breathing and assuredly turned red, I naturally resisted, twisting and squirming helplessly like a rag doll, and then I felt something pop. We wrestled to the ground, me screaming to be let go. HE looked down at me on the ground smiling. The pain I was feeling disappeared magically as I looked into his eyes. I smiled back at him, realizing I'm on my back on the grass looking up at him with infatuating eyes, with 100 ward members staring at us.
As I've thought about it since (with the help of a couple of blogsters recent entries as well), each time I get a sharp pain on my upper left side, I've realized a couple things:
1. I'm not getting any younger - and I don't like it!
I'm in my mid 40s. I sometimes act half my age, particularly around HIM. HE makes me feel young again. HE is half my age and twice as strong. HE's an athletic rock-solid 6'-6" beauty of strength and I'm old enough to be his father - but we don't have the father / son relationship (I'm still not sure what kind of relationship we have but I don't see him tackling, hugging, being affectionate with any other older men like me - we're buddies / confidants / friends). I mistakenly try to be 22 again and find out I can't do it. And it depresses me.
I'm always ATTRACTED to younger guys. I think it's because I feel young and alive around them - it reminds me of my youth and the experiences that I missed out on, and the desires to be connected and enlivened by young guys (early 20s) makes me feel young again myself - a chance to reclaim something I lost or am still seeking or missing in my life.
I don't want to go flabby, grey and decayed. I want to be strong, blonde and vibrant. I've dreamed of finding a bottle of pills on a beach somewhere and taking them and slowly returning to age 22 within a week's time. Is that moronic or what? I've started counting my grey hairs and contemplating dying my hair (at least I still have a full head of thick hair to work with). I've started noticing my middle expanding into a soft ball... (Now I'm not fat. At 6'-3" and 185 lbs I don't think anyone would call me fat - but I'm not as firm as I once was, and my shape is reshaping itself with gravity and time) so I've decided to get serious and do some weight training and exercise for the first time in my life (but I'll start as soon as I heal from this broken rib thing).
I've chalked it up as envy - desiring something young and beautiful and perfect as the image I have of HIM. HE's everything I want to be and would wish that I was when I was 22.
I've also chalked it up as LUST - HE's young and beautiful. I'm gay. So where's the problem?
My fear of getting older is also based in the fact that I'm gay and realizing this fact MUCH LATER than most and that so much time has gone by and to come out at this point as a middle-age greying soft dude is suicidal. Who's going to want me? I'm beyond prime - I'm not young meat any more and never will be again no matter how much I work out, lift weights, or dye my hair. (And then there's my wife's point of view that loves my little soft belly and cherishes my grey hair - why isn't that good enough for me? How come I can't accept that as being satisfying enough?)
2. This is just another in a long string of infatuations.
In GM's blog, (I don't know how to link to it) he linked to an article that defined infatuation:
"The answers to these questions will tell you there is little happiness in infatuation itself, precious little daily satisfaction is possible while we are acting the Fool For Love. That is because the state of infatuation thrives on distance and frustration. It flourishes under difficult circumstances. It is not magnified by consummation and familiarity."
My relationship with HIM is DIFFICULT (we are seldom alone and the few times we've been I've desired to take it to the next level - he hasn't resisted my advances - and then I get scared and a voice tells me to back off and rethink what I'm doing). It is based firmly on DISTANCE (we only see each other at Church, ward functions, or the occasional coming over to the house) and on FRUSTRATION (knowing that he is straight as an arrow and I'm as gay as a closeted married Mormon can be). My desires are not ever magnified by consummation and our familiarity isn't based on a relationship of reality - it's based on my foolish FANTASY of the "what if...".
HE makes me feel wonderful inside! I sparkle at HIS sight! HIS smile melts me! I have transfered these emotions of folly onto him - HE has become the personification of what I wish I was. I call this LOVE. I've told him I love HIM in more ways than HE will ever realize. HE tells me HE loves me, too. But the LOVE I seek isn't something HE can give me.
SO, I'm seriously working on realizing all these things and staying in control, anchoring my feet on solid ground. I seek male-to-male emotional, physical, social bonding with HIM. If I can do it in a healthy way, maybe I can overcome my feelings of lost time, lost youth, lost love.
Meanwhile, I've got a broken rib that tells me I better start working out with those weights soon or I'm going to be killed in the next wrestling match!