Wednesday, April 14, 2010
4 years and still here...
“As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it” -- credited to Gandhi
Another year has rolled by… it’s been four years since I started this blog. Four years! And yet, here I am… still wondering what the heck I’m doing with my life. A lot of the original gang are long gone, or have moved on to greener pastures. A few are still around, but most blogs in the current community have come on the scene in the last year or so.
Like with all anniversaries, this has become a time of reflection and annual self-interrogation:
Why are you still here? Why haven’t you moved on as well? What keeps you coming back?
Why are you still trying to cross the same street? What is the hold that this blogging gig has on you? Haven’t you already said everything you need to say? Haven’t you already proven time and time again that 1) you aren’t going to fully come out of the closet, 2) you aren’t going to leave your wife and kids, 3) you aren’t going to leave the Church? I mean what’s the point – we’ve all heard it before – so stop playing with fire, stop longing for relationships that never will happen, stop seeking connections with fellow MOHOs and get on with your life! You’ve made your choice, and you’re committed to it – so get on with it why don’t you!?!
Yet, I’m still here… hanging on. I love reading and learning from and gaining insights and being connected with this community of bloggers. It makes me pause, provides needed therapy, and satisfies some kind of unrealized connection to those like me that I don’t find in my real-world existence.
I am still here because I do feel I occasionally have something to offer, a possible different perspective, and maybe a story to tell that is of worth to those following behind me on this trail of life. And maybe there is a slight chance that I have learned or am in the process of learning lessons that may be of value to those in similar circumstances and commitments (or may be of value for those who are not, and who want to stay clear of the path I’ve taken and choose another trail all together).
Anyway, time will tell how long this gig will play out, or whether this will be the last anniversary noted. I guess if I really knew where it’s all leading too, I could predict not “needing” to blog anymore… but until that day, I guess the few readers here are stuck with me… and some of you have become “family” and… well… as true family members, we are stuck together whether we’d like to or not, right?
I have been tempted to write a series of posts regarding the “lessons learned” over the last four years of blogging, and particularly over the last year as I’ve come to a direction of what I have chosen to do and how to help my relationship with my wife. Yet, it is hard to write about “lessons learned” when one doesn’t feel like one has yet learned… so maybe it should be called “lessons trying to be learned” or “lessons yet to be learned”?
Which brings me to a question: After four years of postings, is there anything you still wonder or wish to ask me?