Wednesday, April 14, 2010

4 years and still here...

As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it” -- credited to Gandhi

Another year has rolled by… it’s been four years since I started this blog. Four years! And yet, here I am… still wondering what the heck I’m doing with my life. A lot of the original gang are long gone, or have moved on to greener pastures. A few are still around, but most blogs in the current community have come on the scene in the last year or so.

Like with all anniversaries, this has become a time of reflection and annual self-interrogation:

Why are you still here? Why haven’t you moved on as well? What keeps you coming back?
Why are you still trying to cross the same street? What is the hold that this blogging gig has on you? Haven’t you already said everything you need to say? Haven’t you already proven time and time again that 1) you aren’t going to fully come out of the closet, 2) you aren’t going to leave your wife and kids, 3) you aren’t going to leave the Church? I mean what’s the point – we’ve all heard it before – so stop playing with fire, stop longing for relationships that never will happen, stop seeking connections with fellow MOHOs and get on with your life! You’ve made your choice, and you’re committed to it – so get on with it why don’t you!?!

Yet, I’m still here… hanging on. I love reading and learning from and gaining insights and being connected with this community of bloggers. It makes me pause, provides needed therapy, and satisfies some kind of unrealized connection to those like me that I don’t find in my real-world existence.

I am still here because I do feel I occasionally have something to offer, a possible different perspective, and maybe a story to tell that is of worth to those following behind me on this trail of life. And maybe there is a slight chance that I have learned or am in the process of learning lessons that may be of value to those in similar circumstances and commitments (or may be of value for those who are not, and who want to stay clear of the path I’ve taken and choose another trail all together).

Anyway, time will tell how long this gig will play out, or whether this will be the last anniversary noted. I guess if I really knew where it’s all leading too, I could predict not “needing” to blog anymore… but until that day, I guess the few readers here are stuck with me… and some of you have become “family” and… well… as true family members, we are stuck together whether we’d like to or not, right?

I have been tempted to write a series of posts regarding the “lessons learned” over the last four years of blogging, and particularly over the last year as I’ve come to a direction of what I have chosen to do and how to help my relationship with my wife. Yet, it is hard to write about “lessons learned” when one doesn’t feel like one has yet learned… so maybe it should be called “lessons trying to be learned” or “lessons yet to be learned”?

Which brings me to a question: After four years of postings, is there anything you still wonder or wish to ask me?


Ned said...

If life were more like a movie and you were the director and you could cast someone to move into your neighborhood and be your buddy, and you could make this person any combination of traits from the real world, the blogging world, and your eye-candy or fantasy worlds, what would this person be like?

How old? Married or single? Blond or bald? Redheaded or graying? Clean shaven or whiskered? Hunky or nerdy? Swimmer or weightlifter? Brown, blue, black or hazel eye color? Glasses? Larry Miller wardrobe or metrosexual? Mormon or what?
What would be his personality? What would he tell you about himself and what would you tell him?

Moreover, what kind of a relationship would you have with this person who moves into your real world? How would he relate to your wife and children and your other neighbors?

Mister Curie said...

I'm new to following your blog, but I'd love to hear what you have done to strengthen your relationship with your wife through this journey.

Also, what keeps you with your wife? Is it the love/life you share? Is it the church? If it is the church, do you feel sufficient conflict that if you came to believe the church was no longer true would that be enough to convince you to leave your wife?

If you were able to accept your homosexuality earlier, say a few years into your marriage, would you change the choices you've made?

Just some thoughts for you from my neck of the woods.

Clark said...

Beck, you are one of my top 5 favorite bloggers. I am very glad you are still around. I hope to get my own blog off the ground soon. Do you have any tips on keeping up with a blog, with church, family and work?

Wyatt said...

Glad you're still around in whatever capacity you decide to take on.

What if you didn't believe in mormonism? Do you still think you'd be here in this same scenario?

robert said...

Ned reminds me that we are the only species which has the ability to imagine our lives as a movie and to project all sorts of scenarios for the future...sometimes we even believe that our imaginations about the future matter like we really can predict the outcome...I think Gandhi had it right...take comfort in whatever you can...keep blogging until you don't. :)

GeckoMan said...

Speaking as one who has kind of moved on past blogging, not for lack of interest but for lack of time, I too still come back to Beck's well. There is usually something here to think about, to relate to, to ask questions of. Thanks Beck, for all you are, who you are. You are special to all of us. Happy Anniversary.

Sean said...

Dear Beck,

I've been blogging for 4 years too! We should be friends! ;)

I haven't been as active as late because I'm trying to figure out my future. As soon as I graduate next Friday, I'm sure I'll start blogging again, and then you won't be the only one who has been around for 4 years.

TonkaManOR said...

I have just discovered your blog. Please continue to write. It gives those of us who are not LDS more insight into your life.

santorio said...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again,

Ti voglio bene

Anonymous said...


Many of your questions deal with the closet and coming out.

For a long time I knew what the closet and coming out was in my bones but couldn't put what I felt into words to explain it to others.

I found I didn't have to explain it to other gay people because they too knew what it was in their bones but coming out to straight people was another story.

I didn't understand their lack of understanding and compassion and felt frustrated and angry because I couldn't explain to them what I was going through.

I also found that I, as well as many other gay people, were often confused as to what to do or what was or was not appropriate.

Then I came up with a definition from my own perspective and that of other gay people and much of the confusion lifted and I was better able to respond to questions from others and answer my own questions as to what was and was not appropriate.

My question (actually it's more an assignment) is this: define what the closet and coming out means from your perspective and that of other gay people like you.

Maybe a clear definition will help you to answer some of those questions you keep asking and clear away some of the confusion I suspect you're experiencing.


Beck said...

NED: Interesting questions. I don't know quite how to answer. I guess I would want him bald and fat and old so that I wouldn't be attracted to him. I have a great friend next door that meets that description and it works great.

It is when he is young (mid 20s) blond, muscular, great looking, athletic, friendly, affectionate, sharp dresser, day-old whiskers, and I'm extremely attracted to him that it becomes totally something else.

I'm living that scenario, too, and it isn't a movie.

Beck said...

MC: Great questions! I think there are good suggestions for future posts. I will give it some thought. I've been thinking about those very things and am glad that you think my responses would be of value to you. Thanks for following along.

CLARK: Thanks for following as well. As for blog tips - you need to blog about what is important to you, whether it be important to others or not. You need to be fairly consistent - too frequent makes you a slave to it, too infrequent and it loses its purpose and life. I've averaged a blog post a week which for me works fairly well. As for keeping up with church, family, and work - well that's life - it's a question of balance. Keeping up with the balancing act is the constant struggle of life.

Beck said...

WYATT: You've been around with me these full four years! Thanks for being a friend through it all, even with us going in different directions.

As for your question on whether I'd be in the same scenario if Mormonism weren't in the picture, I can't answer that. That's a "what if" that I will never know. My reality is that the Church has always been in the picture, but bigger than that, my wife has always been in the picture well before I honestly came out to myself. So, you'd have to take the church AND my wife AND my kids out of the picture, and then I'd tell you that I would probably be in a totally different scenario than I find myself now.

ROBERT: I will keep blogging until it no longer serves me, right?

GECKO: I wish you were still blogging more, but I understand how life gets in the way. Thanks for keeping in touch and still being out there.

Beck said...

SEAN: Figuring out your future is what you should be doing! And I think you're doing a great job figuring it out. Blogging comes when it comes. Congrats on graduating! And, wait a minute, I thought we were friends?! :)

TONKA: Welcome to my blog! May I ask why you want to follow a blog like mine? Why are you curious about my experience? What draws you to this blog?

SANTORIO: Grazie tanto! Ti voglio bene assai.

PHILIP: I'll have to take on that assignment. The "closet" is still a concept with which I continue to wrestle. I do keep asking the same questions. I'm stuck and don't really see getting unstuck. But, I'm currently at a level of peace with where I am and the decisions I've made.