Monday, March 22, 2010
The good and bad of living passionately...
Yesterday, I did a stupid, immature, and inappropriate thing. Something happened that I don't think I've ever done before. Maybe I'm just a pathetic "drama-queen", but I couldn't take it anymore. I stormed out of Priesthood Meeting, and not quietly, slamming the door behind me on the way out! I'm not sure how I can go back (at least not immediately) and I'm in the quorum leadership!
It really came down to the instructor (my neighbor that loves to push my buttons about homosexuality) belittling my comment that I made pointing out a different position than he was espousing, and then telling me that I should "listen better" and maybe then I would correctly understand.
Passion is a great way to live! I feel passionate about many things, including my beliefs in gospel principles. But, like any great passionate person, the good passions (love, affection, connecting and caring, risking etc.) are countered with bad passions (anger, combativeness, ease to take offense, etc.). I feel and am grateful to have feelings! Much rather be a feeling person than a non-feeling lump.
But why now? Why did I explode, and do so so dramatically? I can't help but feel my insecurities of who I am are at the foundation of this personal battle I have with this particular instructor.
I couldn't sleep last night... so I wrote the following to the group leader:
Dear Brother ________:
I've had a rotten Sunday! I've allowed what happened at Priesthood Meeting today to fester within me and I'm still feeling upset about it, and I can't get to sleep without unloading, so I'm going to unload on you.
First of all, regarding "passion", I guess it can be a good thing and a bad thing. I've learned from experience that as passionate as I am about some things in a good sense, I've also got a bad temper and I allow my passion to overwhelm me in a bad sense, too. I recognize this and am trying to curb my taking offense so easily - obviously I've got a lot to still work on.
But I am currently feeling like I am more of a liability to you than an asset. My dramatic exit from the quorum meeting was immature and inappropriate. I know that. Yet, it was how I felt at the moment. You see, I've had run-ins with Brother______ several times in the past, and every time I come away with feeling like I was made to be stupid or feel inferior, and he coming off as omniscient and superior. His arrogance and superiority push my buttons and I erupt. I am sorry for that. What I am not sorry for is being told that what I feel passionately about, having felt the Spirit personally teach me in my personal scripture study, is not of value, and that I should "listen better" to his instructions. This is insufferable. Many times with lessons in the past I have felt to say something but bit my tongue. I guess I should have bit harder this time.
That said, I know I am in the wrong. I am the one that lacks humility. I am the one who takes things too seriously. I am the one who doesn't see the humor in such exchanges. As such, I don't know that I feel like I can stand in front of the brethren with any kind of authority as part of the group leadership, and I feel unworthy or unable to do so. Maybe it is time for me to move on and slip into the back row or disappear from quorum discussions all together. I don't know... maybe after conference if I conduct in April, all will be forgotten and we just move on. Fortunately, I'll be out of town next time that Brother______ teaches so that gives me two months to heal my bruised pride and ego.
Bottom line... I'm sorry for my outburst, but I'm not sorry for feeling passionate about things.
Thanks for listening,
I can't help but feel that something has changed within me. I'm a fighter, but good grief, I've got to pick better battles...