Friday, February 26, 2010
Still a coward... still afraid...
As I read this week about Alan/Rob (Scrum) coming out on his blog with his real name, I feel so happy for him. And when I read comments from others on that post that wish other bloggers would be willing to throw open the curtain, too, and not hide so anonymously, I can't help but feel extreme guilt for continuing to hide. I guess in a certain way, I am coming out and letting my voice be heard by opening up my blog to everyone again, and showing all who choose to come, a person who wants to be heard, but who still is not ready to do so without a pseudonym.
Why is that? Why do I want to be seen and heard and be willing to share my story, and yet continue to live in the shadows. Why am I such a coward? Why don't I have the inner strength and confidence in myself and who I am, like so many other bloggers? Why do I allow my fears and doubts to control my actions?
Well, maybe it's because...
1. I'm protecting my family and kids? Protecting them from what? the truth?
2. I'm not willing to admit this is really who I am? Yeah, I say I am, but I'm really not.
3. I'm really still a product of my culture and deep down I'm just as homophobic as the next guy?
I pretend to believe that I'm "progressing". Maybe in some ways it's true. Priorities and focusing attention on my marriage have been "progressive" on the relationship front. But, in other ways, I am not progressing much at all. I'm still the scared little boy hiding in the corner pretending that no one knows my true story.
So much for giving "voice" to who I am...
Happy "unveiling" to those of you who are an inspiration to me. You blaze the trail and give strength and encouragement to those of us who follow you from behind in the shadows. Though we aren't "out there" just yet ( and I wonder if I ever will be), we're still here just the same. I know that doesn't mean much, but it's where I am right now.