Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Is there a reason to still be here?


It's been a month since I last wrote anything here. It's probably time for an update.


Things are going well. Maybe that's why I don't feel like writing as much as I used to - nothing like a good angst to motivate the keyboard into action, and nothing like contentment to keep it silent. It's like in the Book of Mormon where the war chapters of Alma go on and on and on, but the good times, the best of times of 200 years of 4 Nephi are summarized in two pages...


So what do you want me to say? What do you want to know? What can I still offer this blog and the few readers remaining? Why should this blog continue to exist? Why am I still here?


I feel myself slipping away from the MOHO community. I view it not as a "retreating" but as a "moving on". No judgment call there, just a change of seasons maybe.


It all comes down to my relationship with my wife - we are still doing well. We are continuing to focus on each other and be mindful of each other. She is sensitive to me and I am trying to be aware of her.


We skipped town this last weekend and had a good time being together and enjoying the sun and fun away from the gloomy grey of Utah winters. Getting away, escaping into nature, and doing things together remains central to our reconnection.


Sure, I'm still more than aware of the head-turning eye-candy, the guys that continue to catch my eye and make my heart beat a bit faster, but I'm okay with it and don't feel angsty about it. It just is. She knows, but I'm striving to make her my focus.


Our family, our kids are entering new and exciting phases of their lives as they enter adulthood, and that gives us a new focus as well. Once they are gone, what will we have left? The empty-nester syndrome is looming and we're working on finding connections between the two of us so that when we are left just the two of us at home, we'll be anxious for the new adventure instead of angsty for what remains before us.


You may say I'm in denial. You may say that the path I'm on is setting us up for an even larger disappointment, or an inevitable destruction - and that my be true. I'm still the same gayboy that I've always been. She knows that. I know that. But, as we try to focus our energies on each other, the volcano within is currently calm.


So, I'm back to the beginning... What value does this blog serve anymore? Is there anything to learn from this experience that has value for others? Should I go public again and let this be - a record of a gay guy in a MOM keeping things together after all? Who wants to read that? Who wants to have hope in a relationship like ours?


So tell me... Is there a reason to still be here? Please give me one!!!
Or am I still trying to believe that this is all more than temporary, convincing myself that I can fool nature and destiny, and somehow beat the odds and make it work into eternity?

14 comments:

Ned said...

There are more than a few of us in your shoes. Your situation is a ray of hope to us. I hope that you will still be here from time-to-time. Don't you wish there was more in the B/M about the good times?

Beck said...

I'd love to know more about those 200 years in 4Nephi that pass by so quickly... "never a happier people"... but who wants to know about that. Aren't me much more included to watch a pending accident? Don't we like to read about the MOM that is heading for divorce than the one that is succeeding, or at least finding hope in continuing?

Abelard Enigma said...

You may say I'm in denial. You may say that the path I'm on is setting us up for an even larger disappointment, or an inevitable destruction

That's why you need to stick around - to help show the rest of us that it is possible to make a MOM work

Or perhaps even for accountability to the rest of us to help keep you on the strait and narrow. If you disappear entirely then you'll be on your own with no safety net to help buoy you up.

But, there is another possibility - maybe it's time to retire Beck and start a new blog with a new persona - perhaps even one that your wife might one day contribute to.

Beck said...

"to help show the rest of us that it is possible to make a MOM work..."

Well, I'm not convinced that I'm the one to "show" the way as I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing. I'm not wanting to be the "example" of how it is done - I'm just doing what feels right for me.

"if you disappear entirely then you'll be on your own with no safety net to help buoy you up..."

I agree. I see strength in this community and that is one reason why I am still here. There is a sense of accountability and the "safety net" is real. And no, I am not in a position where I am beyond the capability of going off the deep end... just look at my post back in November where I participated in public nudity on a beach in Southern California! Yeah, I still am needing your strength and slaps in the head to wake me up.

"start a new blog with a new persona..."

I don't know if I'm ready for that. I kind of am fond of "Beck" and who he is and how he has helped me to grow and to accept myself for who I am. I am a different person because of "Beck". Am I ready to give him up and start someone new? Someone my wife can embrace? I don't know... I doubt it. We are progressing, but at a glacial pace. I don't think we're ready to be a blogging-couple duo just yet, but it gives me pause to think of the possibilities.

Thanks for your response and encouragement.

Ned said...

I'm also fond of Beck and think one of the reasons you have made progress is because this persona allows you to give voice to things that might be hard to say or articulate otherwise. In other words, don't kill off Beck just yet, he's a good friend to many of us, but moreover he's a part of you that's like a mirror. He provides a way for you to see yourself that you couldn't otherwise see.

Kengo Biddles said...

If anything you're showing how it can work for a MOHO member of a MOM - and that's part of the reason I'm still around, although I feel the mutch excluded minority of late - and that's partially why I haven't posted - I don't feel like people like to remember that I'm happily married, and still a MoHo. Granted, there are some who will jump up and protest that they're happy I'm happy, but I'll bet that there's a number of them that would rather not remember that the option is there for them.

Bravone said...

I would like to see you open your blog again, even if you rarely post. Your story is so compelling. Witnessing your journey could bless many lives, especially since you are making such headway into a happier and healthier marriage.

So many are all to eager, because of their own agendas, to testify to the world that a 'mixed orientation marriage' is doomed to fail. Even though none of our marriages are perfect, they stand as witnesses that can survive and even thrive.

Beck said...

NED: I couldn't kill "Beck" any more than I could kill myself. He is a mirror, a reflection of who I am inside, at least partially. I just wonder if he is worth showing to anyone else anymore, not that he hides himself, but maybe isn't the center of attention? I don't know... I need to have a good talk with him and decide what I'm going to do with him, but I'm convinced he will always be with me.


KENGO: Your comments make me want to stand up and shout from the rooftops that your happiness in your choices and marriage are ever as valid as any other choices others are making - and how can I do that - how can I help to support you when I'm hiding in my own secret place?

BRAVONE: Your desire for me to come back out in the public eye imply that I have something to say that is worth saying. I'm not sure I do, but I appreciate your confidence in me. My reasons for going private have evolved... maybe it is time to let Beck by Beck again and allow him to evolve as well.

Ron Schow said...

I think your story is valuable both because it shows that an MOM can work and because it shows honestly what some of the issues are in an MOM that works. It also is unique and of value because it shows how SGA can continue to be experienced for 25 years plus.

It would be more valuable if it were public as in days gone by. Maybe it would help to remove a few things that make you hesitant to have it public. There still may be a lot of value left after those are removed.

Bror said...

I think you should definately stick around. Blog about your "good times". It's always nice to hear what you are up to either way.

Beck said...

RON: Thanks for your encouragement to stick around. I'm really not going anywhere but also I'm not sure that my marriage should be emulated.

As for your second point about showing "how SGA can continue to be experienced for 25 years plus" confuses me. Isn't that obvious? Is there really a belief out there that this goes away with age? Is there really a need to be a witness to the world of the contrary?

BROR: So you're not a fan of a good train wreck? :)

Bror said...

I am a fan of anything Beck. :)

MNJ said...

I want you to stick around AND go public so I can stop signing in under Husband's email address. As much as I like him, I don't want to BE him!
We need strength, and we need daisies and green grass. There is enough carnage out there.
-Mandi

Ron Schow said...

As for your second point about showing "how SGA can --and probably will-- continue to be experienced for 25 years plus" confuses me. Isn't that obvious? Is there really a belief out there that this goes away with age? Is there really a need to be a witness to the world of the contrary?
************

Yes, I think you need to help others understand. To me the honest expression of your feelings after 25+ years of being sexually faithful and Church active is an important testament.

Along with a few others on the blogs (such as Enigma and Geckoman) this is in stark contrast to a number of Evergreen testimonials I've read from guys who have been married maybe 2--5 years and suggest that the challenges are no longer there. "Like a mosquito and just a mild irritation occasionally" is the way I think it is sometimes described as a minimal issue.

Those who contemplate MOM marriages should have some accurate information to help them judge fairly what they are facing. I believe you present an accurate picture based on many I know who have been in such marriages.