It's been a month since I last wrote anything here. It's probably time for an update.
Things are going well. Maybe that's why I don't feel like writing as much as I used to - nothing like a good angst to motivate the keyboard into action, and nothing like contentment to keep it silent. It's like in the Book of Mormon where the war chapters of Alma go on and on and on, but the good times, the best of times of 200 years of 4 Nephi are summarized in two pages...
So what do you want me to say? What do you want to know? What can I still offer this blog and the few readers remaining? Why should this blog continue to exist? Why am I still here?
I feel myself slipping away from the MOHO community. I view it not as a "retreating" but as a "moving on". No judgment call there, just a change of seasons maybe.
It all comes down to my relationship with my wife - we are still doing well. We are continuing to focus on each other and be mindful of each other. She is sensitive to me and I am trying to be aware of her.
We skipped town this last weekend and had a good time being together and enjoying the sun and fun away from the gloomy grey of Utah winters. Getting away, escaping into nature, and doing things together remains central to our reconnection.
Sure, I'm still more than aware of the head-turning eye-candy, the guys that continue to catch my eye and make my heart beat a bit faster, but I'm okay with it and don't feel angsty about it. It just is. She knows, but I'm striving to make her my focus.
Our family, our kids are entering new and exciting phases of their lives as they enter adulthood, and that gives us a new focus as well. Once they are gone, what will we have left? The empty-nester syndrome is looming and we're working on finding connections between the two of us so that when we are left just the two of us at home, we'll be anxious for the new adventure instead of angsty for what remains before us.
You may say I'm in denial. You may say that the path I'm on is setting us up for an even larger disappointment, or an inevitable destruction - and that my be true. I'm still the same gayboy that I've always been. She knows that. I know that. But, as we try to focus our energies on each other, the volcano within is currently calm.
So, I'm back to the beginning... What value does this blog serve anymore? Is there anything to learn from this experience that has value for others? Should I go public again and let this be - a record of a gay guy in a MOM keeping things together after all? Who wants to read that? Who wants to have hope in a relationship like ours?
So tell me... Is there a reason to still be here? Please give me one!!!
Or am I still trying to believe that this is all more than temporary, convincing myself that I can fool nature and destiny, and somehow beat the odds and make it work into eternity?