Saturday, February 20, 2010

For what it's worth... I'm back!


For what it's worth... I'm back!

I didn't really go anywhere, just went "private" for a while. I'm still here. I'm the same Beck that I've always been. For my own personal reasons I went under the radar. I guess now those reasons have changed and so I've decided to be more "out" in the bloggosphere again. Whether that is good or bad remains to be seen.

I am not sure why I feel inclined to do this again. I am not sure that I have anything tremendous or stupendous to say - I've been saying who I am for nearly four years now, and I wonder what more can or should be said. But I am one voice, and my voice matters, as does yours, as we work together to describe what it means to be part of this community.

The frequency of my posts has decreased, and the urgency to write has diminished dramatically causing me to ponder why I have this blog if I don't have the tendency or propensity to write. I feel no unique place or position to demand your attention, to shout to the universe that I exist or that my chosen path is valid and should be followed. I just am who I am, trying to do the best I can with what I am.

Some may ask - so who is this "Beck" guy? I guess I am leaving my blog open for you to decide for yourself.... but, quickly...

- I'm just another gay guy who came out to himself much later in life and so my story may seem strange and non-authentic to some, and I recognize that I continue to have some serious catching up to do in figuring out what that means to me. Maybe I can still offer a "voice" to this community of what it means to be attracted to men after all these years, and how that attraction has not evolved into a mere nuisance, but instead is still very much a vital part of who I am as I move into my second half-century of life.

- I'm just another gay guy who is married to a most wonderful woman who loves me dearly and has helped me recently become healthier and happier with who I am as I've opened up to her about core elements of who I am. She is the focus of my life and I want it to be that way! Maybe I can still offer a "voice" of what lessons I'm learning as I hold together a twenty-something year mixed-oriented marriage of hope.

- I'm just another gay guy who has children who are entering exciting life-altering changes in their lives as they journey into adulthood. They bring me focus and anchor me. Maybe I can still offer a "voice" of what it means to be a father - though I still need to figure that one out - it's a work-in-progress sort of thing.

- I am a firm believer of the Gospel and the Plan. I am a card-carrying member of the Church, though I view certain aspects of the Church with more caution and take fewer things for granted, trying hard to keep cynicism in check with faith. This, too, keeps me focused. Maybe I can still offer a "voice" from a believer's perspective.

Is there value in this "voice"? Is there room for me to come back in what has become a very crowded community? Do I really need to do this? Do I really need to be heard? Maybe... maybe not. I'm still not sure... but I do know that this blogging process, and the dear friends and brotherhood and sisterhood of this community has helped to bring me to where I am today - still standing, still breathing, still begging for advice along with a solid slap on the head... still staying focused... still desiring that bromancible hug...

still trying to do the best I can.

17 comments:

Bror said...

It's worth a lot to me that you are still here.

Gay LDS Actor said...

Good to see you "back." I've missed you and your blog.

Alan said...

Welcome back.

Abelard Enigma said...

The queerosphere just wasn't the same without our Beck - welcome back!

Mister Curie said...

Beck - I'm glad you're back. I've noticed your comments around the queerosphere and was sad that I couldn't get access to your blog. It seems you have a lot to add to the community.

You may have moved beyond a lot of the angst, but there are others of us who are just starting, and there are others who are yet to come. We need a guiding voice.

J G-W said...

Glad to see you resurfacing in the public blogosphere...

Bravone said...

Welcome back my friend. Your voice is needed and appreciated.

Quiet Song said...

Beck your blog was the first Moho blog I ever posted a comment on (anonymously), or one of the first. I am glad you are back.

Ned said...

I feel such a sense of affinity with you, Beck. Just for the record here are a few of the life experiences and beliefs we share:

I, too, am married to a wonderful woman with whom I have shared the best and most recent decades of my life.

I, too, am the father of adult children who are making their way through this fascinating world with its problems and opportunities.

I, too, believe that your voice, that our voices matter, and that they especially matter as we move together into the second half century of our lives.

Like many of our generation, I am old enough to be a living witness of the radical changes our church underwent in 1978 and this affirms my faith that the church will continue to change and that it is inevitable that "He will yet reveal many great and important things..."

I, too, am attracted to beauty and art in many forms. Some aspects of life which I find to be of good report or praiseworthy seem to be very strongly tied to my identity as man who finds some other men and a few women as well to be highy compelling and attractive. To some I realize this makes me "just another gay guy" and thanks in part to you, Beck, I'm at last OK with that.

I, too, welcome your return and appreciate your example of still standing, still creating, still loving and learning, still inspiring and still desiring that bromancible hug.

Sean said...

It's good to have you back! I've been reading your blog while it has been private, but I've been lacking in comments because you've got a great life right now. I'm excited for you in this new adventure/part of your life!

Captain Midnight said...

Just the other day I was thinking "What happened to Beck?" Glad you're "back".

Frank Lee Scarlet said...

Yay! It's good to be reading Beck again :)

Beck said...

Thank you one and all for the kind words and support.

Neal said...

Glad to see you back, Beck! I think you underestimate how much your honest introspections have helped others. I know they have helped me. Thanks for sharing with us again.

santorio said...

va bene

Anonymous said...

Hi Beck

I have been reading blogs for years and years and have never left any comments. This is my first. I am so glad that you are public again. I'm an active LDS woman married to a hetero man, but I have two gay brothers. That's how I started reading gay mormon men blogs and yours became one of my favorites. I was so sad when you went private and I couldn't read you anymore, and you can't imagine my excitement today to see that you were public again. Every week or so I would check to see if I could possibly read you again.

When you went private, I was really concerned about you. But today as I got caught up on your journey, I was brought to tears many times and was so happy to see that things were going so well for you. I find your story very inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing.

Beck said...

ANON: I'm quite taken back that someone like you has followed my blog and continues to do so. Why do you do this? I mean, what do I offer you that makes you keep coming back for more? What do you hope to find in reading and following this blog?

I'm overwhelmed and perplexed at the same time. I'm pleased that I can be of some kind of inspiration. I hope not to disappoint as I "return", but really, this blog has just been my often confused journey as I negotiate through what has been an interesting ride of self-discovery.

How are your brothers doing in their journey?