Saturday, February 20, 2010
For what it's worth... I'm back!
For what it's worth... I'm back!
I didn't really go anywhere, just went "private" for a while. I'm still here. I'm the same Beck that I've always been. For my own personal reasons I went under the radar. I guess now those reasons have changed and so I've decided to be more "out" in the bloggosphere again. Whether that is good or bad remains to be seen.
I am not sure why I feel inclined to do this again. I am not sure that I have anything tremendous or stupendous to say - I've been saying who I am for nearly four years now, and I wonder what more can or should be said. But I am one voice, and my voice matters, as does yours, as we work together to describe what it means to be part of this community.
The frequency of my posts has decreased, and the urgency to write has diminished dramatically causing me to ponder why I have this blog if I don't have the tendency or propensity to write. I feel no unique place or position to demand your attention, to shout to the universe that I exist or that my chosen path is valid and should be followed. I just am who I am, trying to do the best I can with what I am.
Some may ask - so who is this "Beck" guy? I guess I am leaving my blog open for you to decide for yourself.... but, quickly...
- I'm just another gay guy who came out to himself much later in life and so my story may seem strange and non-authentic to some, and I recognize that I continue to have some serious catching up to do in figuring out what that means to me. Maybe I can still offer a "voice" to this community of what it means to be attracted to men after all these years, and how that attraction has not evolved into a mere nuisance, but instead is still very much a vital part of who I am as I move into my second half-century of life.
- I'm just another gay guy who is married to a most wonderful woman who loves me dearly and has helped me recently become healthier and happier with who I am as I've opened up to her about core elements of who I am. She is the focus of my life and I want it to be that way! Maybe I can still offer a "voice" of what lessons I'm learning as I hold together a twenty-something year mixed-oriented marriage of hope.
- I'm just another gay guy who has children who are entering exciting life-altering changes in their lives as they journey into adulthood. They bring me focus and anchor me. Maybe I can still offer a "voice" of what it means to be a father - though I still need to figure that one out - it's a work-in-progress sort of thing.
- I am a firm believer of the Gospel and the Plan. I am a card-carrying member of the Church, though I view certain aspects of the Church with more caution and take fewer things for granted, trying hard to keep cynicism in check with faith. This, too, keeps me focused. Maybe I can still offer a "voice" from a believer's perspective.
Is there value in this "voice"? Is there room for me to come back in what has become a very crowded community? Do I really need to do this? Do I really need to be heard? Maybe... maybe not. I'm still not sure... but I do know that this blogging process, and the dear friends and brotherhood and sisterhood of this community has helped to bring me to where I am today - still standing, still breathing, still begging for advice along with a solid slap on the head... still staying focused... still desiring that bromancible hug...
still trying to do the best I can.