As with many, this has been a slower year economically speaking. And as such, there is less hustle and less bustle as I approach Christmas. In one sense, it shakes my core and I hear voices that tell me that I'm not measuring up or being the provider that I once was, and that I'm not able to do and offer and give as I did before.
But, in another way, it has been good to step back away from the clutter and trappings of this time of year, and step away a bit and re-evaluate things. As I re-evaluate my level of honesty and authenticity in my life, as I re-evaluate my marriage and relationship (including intimacy) with my wife, as I re-evaluate my health and fitness levels as I move into a new decade (yes, Bror, I'm a fit 50 and not an "old fart"), I also am re-evaluating other things, including my place in this community, my future as a gay man living in a non-gay world, and of my spirituality and where I stand with my God. More on that later...
For now, let me just say this:
I know that God is real and I feel his acceptance in my current path. I am more and more convinced that what I need to do is be the best Beck that I can be. Sure, that's simple, but it has become the essence of the Gospel for me. Like the parable of the talents, I need not worry about what you have been given verses what I have been given, or why I have certain challenges and situations to deal with that you don't. All I need to do is do the best with what I've been given. I've mentioned this in posts before, but it really has new meaning in the sense of being "acceptable" and "authentic" and "honest". I am who I am (gay and all) and it isn't so much the why I'm this way or how I got to where I am now, or why it took me so long to get here, but much more, it is what I do with what I am, and doing the best I can and letting, allowing, permitting the atonement to make me even better.
That is the message of Christmas. It is a message of hope. May you feel and KNOW this hope this season. May you feel my love for you (you few readers that still follow along here). May you know how much you mean to me.