Buon Natale!

As with many, this has been a slower year economically speaking. And as such, there is less hustle and less bustle as I approach Christmas. In one sense, it shakes my core and I hear voices that tell me that I'm not measuring up or being the provider that I once was, and that I'm not able to do and offer and give as I did before.

But, in another way, it has been good to step back away from the clutter and trappings of this time of year, and step away a bit and re-evaluate things. As I re-evaluate my level of honesty and authenticity in my life, as I re-evaluate my marriage and relationship (including intimacy) with my wife, as I re-evaluate my health and fitness levels as I move into a new decade (yes, Bror, I'm a fit 50 and not an "old fart"), I also am re-evaluating other things, including my place in this community, my future as a gay man living in a non-gay world, and of my spirituality and where I stand with my God. More on that later...

For now, let me just say this:

I know that God is real and I feel his acceptance in my current path. I am more and more convinced that what I need to do is be the best Beck that I can be. Sure, that's simple, but it has become the essence of the Gospel for me. Like the parable of the talents, I need not worry about what you have been given verses what I have been given, or why I have certain challenges and situations to deal with that you don't. All I need to do is do the best with what I've been given. I've mentioned this in posts before, but it really has new meaning in the sense of being "acceptable" and "authentic" and "honest". I am who I am (gay and all) and it isn't so much the why I'm this way or how I got to where I am now, or why it took me so long to get here, but much more, it is what I do with what I am, and doing the best I can and letting, allowing, permitting the atonement to make me even better.

That is the message of Christmas. It is a message of hope. May you feel and KNOW this hope this season. May you feel my love for you (you few readers that still follow along here). May you know how much you mean to me.

Merry Christmas!

The gay gazelle...

Having met our deductible this year, having entered that new decade of the 50-somethings and with encouragement (read "nagging") from my wife, I actually went to the family doctor for a full physical (which ended up including a follow-up colonoscopy exam - JOY!) Thank goodness that everything has checked out well.

It's been a couple of years ago that I last went to have a check-up. My doctor noted that I have lost 25 lbs since then! I didn't believe him, and so he got out my records and showed me that I weighed 190 lbs and now I weigh 165 lbs. At 6'-3" I was never overweight, but at 190 I felt fat and out of shape and uncomfortable with my body. He didn't tell me to lose weight, but as I've come to accept my body for what it is (meaning I'm never going to be athletic, muscular, or a stud that I dream to be in hopes of being viewed by other guys as "attractive" and being able to "fit in" with the masculine guys where I never have felt comfortable - in fact I've been down right shy and backward when finding myself in a masculine locker room world) I've set goals and have been working on my self-image, which includes my body-image, including:

1. eating more healthy foods (more fruits and vegetables, less meats, more water, no soda-pop, little candy),

2. exercising more (hiking on the mountain, walking, taking the stairs, etc.)

3. toning up what meager muscles I have (weightlifting, some swimming, stretching, exercise ball)

and as a result, I've lost 25 lbs and have toned up, and I've lost a few inches around my waist (where there was an abundance to lose - my 34" waist jeans are clown pants, swamping me and I'm having a hard time keeping my 32" low-risers on my hips without them falling down... I may need to go buy some 30 inchers here quickly!) and built some modest gain in my arms and chest (where there was none previously). The doctor asked me what was up? I wasn't sure if he was worried or just noted the weight loss. I just said that I was taking better care of myself and whether or not he was kidding with me or not, he said that I looked like a man younger than 40 not a typical man of 50. I smiled.

As family have come to visit this holiday season, many have noted that I've "lost weight" and that I am "looking good". I just shrug it off, but I do feel good. I like weighing less. I like feeling more toned. I like not having a belly. I like having to buy smaller jeans. I like being a gazelle!

MOHOH once mentioned a while back that I was "gay as a gazelle". Well, maybe I've taken on that as a personal goal to be a "gazelle". I've always dreamed of being more masculine, more muscular, more athletic, fit and strong. And my body would never cooperate. I have always had a hard time gaining muscle-weight and with my metabolism, bone structure, coordination, genetics and lack of discipline, I most likely never will.

So, as I've taken on a new role as a "lover" to my wife, I have also taken on a new persona as a "gazelle". 6'-3" and 165 lbs is skinny, but now I look at it as a healthy goal to be toned and better in shape and if it helps me to want to be touched by her (as she loves the "new me") and be more intimate with her and unafraid and unintimidated of our physicality together, and if it helps me to finally accept myself for who I am (not only as a gazelle, but a gay gazelle) then maybe I'm finally stepping into my own skin and becoming comfortable with who I am, both inside and out.

This is a big turn-around for me. This is so much more than being physically lean. I have a goal for 2010 to continue down this path, to work hard at being the best gazelle I can be and stop wishing to be the gorilla that I will never be. I have a goal to be confident in myself physically for the first time and no longer fear the ridicule of the past and the self-doubting and self-loathing that came with that ridicule. Being skinny was a detriment and embarrassment in junior high and high school. Being toned and lean at 50 is healthy and self-assuring and self-accepting.

Now, if I can just get through the next couple of weeks of parties with holiday fudge and goodies everywhere...

Still other revelations...

As a follow-up to the previous post, though obvious to some, there are also the recent revelations that...

1. Just because intimacy and openness in a marriage has brought us closer than we've been in years, I still am hopelessly attracted to men.

2. A cute guy standing in front of me in line to enter the Conference Center over the weekend at the Christmas Concert still makes my heart beat faster as I admire his beauty, strength, magnetic manliness.

3. Seeing a fellow MOHO at the Conference Center and embracing him with gusto still warms that beating heart like none other.

4. Desiring a relationship with another man has not diminished as much as I thought it would with the recent developments in my marriage.

5. The angst level, however, has diminished (at least a little bit)...

I guess these still reveal in me that assurance that though I'm closer to who I should be as a married man, and though I have made great progress in that regard, I am still as gay and as attracted to men as ever.

And you know what?

That's a good thing... I don't think I'd want it any other way.

Other recent revelations...

Other recent revelations...

1. With the proportional increase of sexual intimacy with your spouse, comes the logarithmic increase of contentment and joy index from same said spouse.

2. With the same proportional increase of intimacy with your spouse, comes the reverse proportional decrease of sexual arousal with yourself.

3. Both of the above statements can be true and fulfilled by a gay man married to a straight woman.

Though these truths should be self-evident to most, they aren't, especially in a MOM relationship such as ours. But, it is through this renewed effort that such truths are manifesting themselves afresh.

Just thought you'd like to know... :)

How long can the honeymoon last?

Buona Santa Lucia Day to everyone. St. Lucy's day is Sunday the 13th! Light a candle!