Some things have changed...

Some things that over the last couple of months have changed in my marriage:

1. Spontaneous hugs and kisses...

2. Being more affectionate in front of the kids, to the point that they groan with gagginess that we are "worse than newlyweds"... or my young daughter bemoaning: "not kissing again!"

3. Taking time out of a busy life to escape together to refind the lost magic... and find it... (now can we keep it from being lost again?) Sometimes it really does take the effort to "get away from it all" and leave kids, family, work, life behind, to find it.

4. Lingering in bed longer... enjoying the cuddles and closeness that comes when one doesn't just get up and go about the business of the day...

5. Talking more and being more open - still working on the honesty thing, (for example, she doesn't know about the beach thing in the previous post), but it's better than it has been, as the elephant-in-the-room is at least acknowledged instead of ignored or not even seen...

6. Doing more around the house, cooking meals, doing dishes, helping with the kids, being more available and sensitive to her needs - really goes a long way to improve a relationship...

7. Being there at a recent special event (that took a lot of personal commitment and time away from work and priorities) means a lot - something that rekindles affection and commitment to the courtship...

8. Dancing in the kitchen...

9. Dating again and do it because we really want to be together...

10. Anticipating future dates and get-aways (the joy is in the planning)...

11. Discovering each other anew with openness in intimacy (enough said)...

12. Rediscovering that she is beautiful (no she's not that young stud that turns my head, but she is still very beautiful in her own way) and becomes so with the mix of all of the above...

13. Running to the hot tub together...

14. Holding hands in the car...

15. Finding common interests beyond the kids (this has been a worry of ours, particularly as we approach the inevitable empty-nesterhood)...

16. Blogging less and not obsessing with this blog and community as before (not to say that I don't stick around and am not appreciative of what this community has done for me in coming to terms with who I am and what I am - I will be eternally grateful for that!!!! - but the obsession is gone - even though I'm still trying to get used to the fact that I don't receive the attention, accolades and lengthy comments as I used to, to posts since going private - oh the price one pays!)...

17. Falling in love again...

No, this doesn't mean that I'm cured of my angst. Just the opposite! The funny thing is... I still feel angsty and I still have my moments (almost all the time) of "Pon Farr" where all I want is to touch and be touched by a guy, or to just be around other men like me on a beach, or to feel a connection with a cyber boyfriend or lost Italian bromance. No, they are all still there and will be, I am convinced, for the rest of my life's journey...

But, it's funny that as things improve in my relationship with my wife, the homosexual feelings, attractions and desires for connections with men don't diminish - but proportionally seem not as severely out of balance. Does that make sense?

Some days, even with all the good that is happening in my marriage, I want nothing more than to be held by a guy and nothing else will suffice. Yet, THINGS HAVE CHANGED! Being held by my wife and feeling that renewed connection in so many ways, slaps me around a bit inside to realize:

I TRULY AM GRATEFUL FOR MY GREATEST BLESSING OF ALL - MY LOVER, MY COMPANION, MY WIFE.

Now, can I keep it? Can I hold on to it? Is this a facade? Is this a false hope? Or have I rekindled a romance and found a hope that I thought was lost?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

It's complicated...

Have you ever found yourself with a day free from commitments, free from ties to families and friends, free to do whatever you want to do?

If you knew that no one that really knew you was watching, that you were completely anonymous, and you had that freedom to do what you really wished you could do, or be what and who you really are, what would you do or be?

For example:

Let's say you find yourself with family, work and other commitments for several days in the greater San Diego area a couple of weeks ago. And, let's say that on one particular day, you find yourself alone, available to do what you want...

And let's say you love the ocean, and you feel your soul drawn to the sound and rhythm of the waves and the endless vistas from sea cliffs...

And let's say you researched on the Internet for great beaches in the area with towering sea cliffs with endless vistas and you stumble across a certain beach that happens to have an association with the word "gay"...

You click on that link out of curiosity and discover that this particular stretch of beach is close by your hotel, just a few minutes drive, and you see the directions to a very particular parking lot that leads to a particularly isolated path down a particularly secluded beach... a beach that is known for its particular beauty and privacy, frequented mostly by nudists of a particularly gay persuasion... You read how this beach has patrols that tolerate the nudity present as long as it is respectful of others, admitting that technically nudity is illegal...

You are intrigued, to the point that you Google Map the directions to this particular trail head and find it is merely 3.2 miles away. You think about going. You want to go. But there is a debate going on in your head. You wonder why this is so tempting. Is it because:

a) you see the sun and beautiful day and want to feel alive and part of it?

b) you know the way and it is conveniently close and exactly the type of landscape that speaks to your soul?

c) you are naturally curious about what other gay guys do and you want to somehow be connected and feel a sense of inclusion to their club?

d) you have tasted the sense of connection with nature, with sunlight and wind and waves, with body and spirit that comes with nudity in nature and you want to taste and know that sensation again?

e) you hunger for and desire more than anything to be accepted, to be included, to feel a part of something that is inherently part of you, hidden deeply down in your soul, and you desire to feel just for a moment an acceptance for who you are completely - nothing hidden?

f) you desire to identify with a brotherhood that says: "I get you - it's okay."?

You wonder if you should... the day is wasting... and so, against your better judgment, in the spirit of irrational thought, you go... you find the parking lot... you embrace the incredible view... you breathe in the clean salty air as it blows through your hair... you notice the trail head... you see a guy heading down... you follow... it's steep and dangerous with switchbacks down the cliff face... but then you've made it... you're there... you can't believe it! You notice the private but long stretch of white sand before you. It is low tide. The ocean is relatively calm. There is a peace about this place. There is a hush. All is still and quiet. The wind is overhead up on the sea cliff, not down on the sand. There's a sense of reverence. You notice the "clothing optional" nature of fellow citizens, well bronzed and nicely proportioned - obviously they aren't first timers like yourself. One calmly notices you and quietly whispers "hello" and smiles and you nervously nod and acknowledge the greeting with a nervous smile back. You walk for a ways along the beach and note that there are several gay couples lounging together, and you smile and feel warm and grateful that they are able to be themselves in the open in this special place...

You find your place, your peace of sand... not too close, but still somehow a part of the whole experience... you settle in, you look around and you decide to do it. Your clothes are now beside you as you take in the whole experience of sun and ocean and sand, of community and connection and acceptance, of participation and belonging.

Joggers jog by and don't seem to care that you are there. You are as natural as the seaweed spread upon the sand around you. A patrol jeep drives by and doesn't blink in your direction. You feel even more a "part" of this space and experience. You have been accepted...

And then, a fog bank begins to roll in and embrace the cliffs behind you. It envelopes you and "clothes" you with nature's blanket. You find yourself a part of a misty dream world and you ask yourself: "Is this really happening? Is this real? Am I really here on a beach, completely naked, surrounded by gay couples?"

Soon the fog builds and the sun disappears. You pack up and ascend the cliff. At the top you reach sunlight again, the beach below you is covered in a low cloud bank. You sigh that it couldn't last longer... You realize that a different reality, a different connection, a responsibility to family and commitments and another life calls you back... You don't want to go... You feel a longing for what is down below you on that beach...

You sigh...

But, it is not a sigh of sorrow or regret. No, instead, it is a sigh of gratitude, a prayer of thankfulness, associated with an overwhelming peace and tranquility that something significant just happened. A connection was made... a connection with a part of you that lies deep inside you... You feel safe and secure, protected and reassured of who you are... You aren't angsty or upset at the tugs that pull you in different directions.

Instead, you feel blessed for having one special moment on one special beach at that one special time... and you smile as you settle back into your car... grateful to be who you are...

Have you ever felt that way or experienced such a thing?

I did. And it was wonderful!

***

So what do you think? Was I stupid? Was it dangerous? Was I naive enough to believe that there was no danger?

And why did I do it? And why can I not stop thinking about it? Why is there still a longing within my heart, a yearning for connection, understanding and acceptance? Why, when right now I feel more connection, more understanding and more acceptance from the person that means the most to me - my wife!

Life is not black and white.

Life is complicated. And remains so...

Still holding out hope...

I am really trying to be in a good place right now and stay positive (even though little things still slip me up and I start beating myself up as is my habit) and I want to blog about the positive things that are happening as well as my little slip ups in hopes of finding a good balance.

But, this is one last post that continues the theme of the previous post, regarding the Church's stance taken last week. And I promise myself this is it on this subject and I'm going to move on and back to my angst as usual...

I really thought, naively for sure, that there would be an "increased understanding" and an "abundance of love and acceptance" from the membership at large following the Church's public stance. I really thought, maybe it was more of a wish, that the bigotry and ugliness would "soften" a bit toward topics of discussion in the priesthood quorum that dipped into the current events.

Alas, I was wrong...

Yesterday there were two zingers. Neither comment was totally on the subject of "how Joseph Smith felt about his prophetic mission" but somehow these two particular quorum brothers are able to twist the subject to the current events of the week. One said that it was "sad to see the Church needing to bend to the beliefs and immoral practices of others". And the other commented on those who feel that they are outside the kingdom and are knocking at the door in hopes of being rescued by the Prophet (referring to the recent handcart march to Church Headquarters) and then added that the Prophet is leading the church by revelation not democracy, and frankly "good riddance" to them that are outside.

I couldn't believe it. I guess I really am naive that people with change. But I see it as another generation needs to pass and die off before we can triumphantly enter the "promised land". I sat there feeling very hurt and frustrated but decided not to call him on it in the public setting, but pulled him aside afterward and stated that I didn't appreciate his "good riddance" attitude and found it inappropriate in a quorum setting of brotherly love. And I left not seeking any rebuttal.

I probably should have done more, but the situation was so ironic. This same brother was stating that the saints weren't ready to receive the further light and knowledge Joseph was prepared to give them because they were too concerned with their worldly or day-to-day needs to see and accept the truths of eternity. And he thinks that he's ready to receive further light and knowledge with the attitude of hatred and disgust for his gay brothers and sisters?? I'm sure he doesn't even see any conflict.

I noted after church that I had received a fax like 80,000 others stating: "Do not be fooled! Apparently the LDS church had no way out except to endorse the gay rights ordinances..." encouraging one to not be swayed, to not accept homosexuality as a civil right. Continuing it states: "Shame on Utah gays for persecuting, harassing, using intimidation tactics, and staging scenarios to corner the LDS Church into endorsing their movement and to use the LDS Church as a backbone to sway the LDS voters and legislators to vote for their laws!"

Despite all of this, I am still optimistic and positive and find good in the steps the Church took, steps that cannot be taken back, and I still hold out hope that the majority can see through such comments as those I heard at church, or see the hate spilling out of that fax.

Is such hope ill-advised? Must we wait for this generation to die off? Did I do too little? Should I have done more?

Bitter...

Over on Abelard's blog there is a comment-trail going on regarding the reaction to the Church's recent statement of supporting nondiscrimination ordinances in SLC.

I have taken the position that this is a positive step, that the timing was good and appropriate and that the reiteration of Church statements in the past in standing up for nondiscrimination legislation is a "good thing". I feel it was a swaying influence and it did have an affect on the outcome of the vote. But, more than anything, it gives substance to those like me who are arguing with neighbors about anti-discrimination measures and having the Church on my side and not on the side of the ilk of the Sutherland Institute supporters, including some of my fellow quorum members who see any step as a step onto that proverbial slippery slope.

(Note: Just seeing the Sutherland Institute's reaction has been hilarious! It just shows how out of step they are, even with the Brethren! And that makes me happy! I can't help but feel that as SI continues down their path of hate, they will move more and more out of step with the Brethren (need I say apostasy?) instead of lock-step with them - and this is a "good thing"!!!)

Sure, I was disappointed that the Church remained silent in last year's legislative session not putting their muscle behind the equality measures being considered. And yes, I will be disappointed again if the Church does not follow up this stance with one on Capitol Hill next year.

But, what really gets me is the underlying spirit of bitterness, cynicism and anger that has enveloped the MOHO community at large. I could be wrong, but am I the only one in this community who sees this action as a "positive step" without having to throw out a zinger about "motives" or "just a PR move", or "too little and too late". Can't it be seen as just a step in the right direction without the cynicism and bitterness?

Am I viewed as "settling for too little" and not being "gay enough" to not feel the hurt and pain and bitterness? Am I not homosexual enough?

It feels like I'm alone out here. I've moved myself from the general MOHO community for other reasons, but maybe, unbeknownst to me, I've moved myself from the general community in more ways than one. No one is really going to read this anyway, but I saddened. I'm sad that because things are going better for me and I don't feel the bitterness as much that I'm not "gay enough". I'm saddened that any view that looks at the Church in a positive light is considered as "giving in to the enemy" or at best, being an "apologist".

I'm also saddened because I do feel the pain and hurt and anger - personally. My personal homosexual battle with the Church has placed me in destructive places. But, now that things are going a bit better, and because I choose to see silver linings in the dark clouds above me, does that make me a Pollyanna?

Bitterness is poison. I have been bitter. It isn't the way I choose to live.