It just is...

Bravone has recently posted on the subject of searching to find the "why" behind these things we discuss here in the hope of finding inner-peace. I responded:

I personally do not put a lot of credence in the "whys" of this, (particularly from either professionals or ecclesiastical leaders). No one has been able to explain it away to me. I do not fit the stereotype of an abused child, of having a distant father, of being raised by a dominant mother, of being exposed to pornography, of early (or any) sexual experimentation with my male peers, of being overly effeminate in nature. Yes, I'm the sensitive type, the non-athlete, the good student and good-boy stereotype.

But, even if I did know the exact reason, would it ease my shame "for so many years while I was in denial"? No, that was inflicted by a non-understanding and insensitive society and culture.

But, I am not you. You must decide for yourself. If you are wrestling with the "peace with (your) past", then search and find that peace in whatever form you can. If that is achieved through answering this eternal "why", then go for it.

But, I hope someday you can stop the wrestling match with yourself and truly be "grateful for so much of (your) gay nature" and just be YOU! Just be the wonderful, sensitive, caring, loving (and imperfect) YOU!

Have faith in the path... (See D&C 58:3) and know that He knows and sees the "design" of these things.

I really like this scripture:

Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time the DESIGN of your God concerning these things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow AFTER much tribulation.

The Saints in Jackson County could not understand the "whys" of their trials and their path they were on. They had no clue what purpose their "tribulations" served in the bigger picture. They just had faith that God did see and know them, did have a "design" for them.

The scripture continues:

For after much tribulation comes the blessing.

For some, this may be a cop-out answer. For me, it brings me peace. I am not saying this gay-gig is a tribulation (though it has brought me much confusion and angst). I do not worry why I am this way. In fact, I embrace my homosexuality as who I am and who I always have been and who I always will be. I see no "why" anymore to answer. For me, to view this as just a "mortal" condition (self inflicted or from some outside source) does not ring true. I see this as part of who I have always been as a soul, as a spirit, as an intelligence, and find no "blame", no "defect", no "trigger" for these things. They just are. And I have faith that my God "sees" me with eternal eyes, not natural eyes, and has "designed" these things for me now and for me hereafter.

I love men. I love admiring men. I love connecting with men. I love embracing men. I love being me. For now, that is good enough.

Where I struggle still, is how being me fits into my marriage, my family, my culture. God certainly has a sense of humor in this "Jackson County design" He has put me in.