Who am I?
You really don’t know who I am, do you?
I mean, if I don’t know who I am, how can you know, right?
What I share here in this blog is a persona that I’ve allowed to be expressed that otherwise has little if any expression. I have given him a name – “Beck” – and I allow you to know what I want you to know about him.
Over time, these last 18 months, I’ve come to know “Beck” myself. He is real. He has thoughts and feelings. He is loving and kind. He believes deeply in connecting with people. He wants to reach out and touch and embrace and become close. He feels deeply about the Spirit and the feelings that come with convictions of the Spirit. He’s also very much attracted to men. And he doesn’t want that to change. He really likes loving the thought of loving men. He loves men! Beck is “out”. Beck meets fellow MOHOs. Beck seeks to be free of the closet. Beck wants to live open. Beck wants to be alive!
And then there is me. I am also here. I exist. I am real. I have a name – but I don’t share that with you – I don’t allow you to know much about me. You know a little. I’m a devoted family man. I’m a loving husband and father, a professional businessman, a devout religious man (so I’d like to think), faithful to my testimony of the Gospel and my membership in the Church. I am very much in the closet. My motives are good, I feel, as I want to protect my family, and keep them safe and do what I feel is best in caring for and loving them.
As time has gone by, I find myself not sure when I wake up whether I’m “Beck” or whether I’m me. Who am I? I feel like I’m becoming a split personality. I’m categorizing things and allowing Beck to blog, permitting Beck to develop friendships with gay friends, including MOHOs, and these friends become very close and very attached and mean a lot, and yet, who do these friends know and love – me or Beck? I tolerate Beck to take that second or third look of the young gorgeous guy walking down the street, fantasizing about potential gay relationships, and I endure Beck’s request to “find the perfect image of the perfect man”, justifying that it really is okay as long as it stays in the PG-13 rating.
I don’t do those things… Beck does! I’m a devoted husband and father, remember?
Beck wants long hair. Beck wants to rebel. Beck wants to fight. I find myself allowing him to have more and more say.
What’s going on here? I feel like I’m allowing my alter-ego to take hold of me, to be a bigger and bigger part of me. Sometimes he wants to stand up and scream in Priesthood Meeting that he’s gay! Other times, he fantasizes wondering if Tim (you remember Tim, right?) will show up at his door one day and say that he knows about me and is ready to have a relationship – even if that relationship consists of him being “kept” by me secretly.
Sometimes, I’m very happy being Beck. Other times I’m ashamed of Beck and want to keep him hidden and in the dark shadows of my closet. Sometimes I think I’m going schizophrenic – certifiably crazy.
Who, the hell, do you think you know here? Who do you think is asking these questions? Is there a way for both of us to exist? Or are we destined to be locked away in some secure padded cell?