Thursday, September 13, 2007

Sub-conscience wants to come out?

I know this is a stupid subject, but hang in there with me. I don't know why, but I'm growing my hair out. Now before you go: "yuck" or "gross", here me out.

I mentioned this to one of the MOHOs and he astutely pointed that maybe I was growing longer hair as a physical sign of my sub-conscience wanting to "come out" or to be "noticed" or to be "different". I've thought about that and wonder if there is some truth to that.

Maybe the reasons I'm doing this are because:

a) I'm still immature and adolescent in many of my attitudes and this is a reflection of that.

b) I'm going through a mid-life crisis, realizing that I'm not getting any younger, and I better flaunt it while I've still got it!

c) I'm beginning to go gray and when I keep my hair short, the gray really shows more than when I keep it longer - it covers the gray naturally. (NOTE: Of course, I'd really like to dye my hair a natural sandy blond (not the mortician or used-car-salesman-in-the-plaid-jacket scary "Just For Men" dark brown that is so creepy and "revolting" as my wife would say). I'm already dark sandy blond - anything wrong with a few highlights?

d) I have been straight-laced all my life and it's about time I rebelled against something, even if I'm not quite sure what it is.

e) I refuse to "fit in" with the establishment of the High Priest Quorum and this is my way of saying "no".

f) My wife likes it (as long as it doesn't get super long).

g) I never was a fashion trendy guy, always out of step with the current styles, (though thick long healthy hair pulled back nicely into a pony tail on a good looking guy can always be in style - though I also love short hair on a good looking guy, too, in fact I just like good looking guys :)).

g) OR, I have been closeted for so long that this is my way of saying "Hey, world! Look at me! I'm Beck, buried deep down inside and I'm gay and I'm tired of being in here and I want to come out!"

I don't know. What do you think?


Foxx said...

Maybe you just like long hair.

Or, maybe since you feel different on the inside you want to look different on the outside.

If it's a rebellion, then you'll know it inside, and maybe it's worth some examination.

I say go for it!

Anonymous said...

a few years ago my hair was just long enough for alittle pony tail (I just hadn't got around to having it cut). when i told my then teenage daughter that i could have a pony tail, she said yuck, so i had it cut.

I've been a intermittent user of just for men on my beard for many years. unfortunately, gray hair resists dye, so the results are as uneven as the interval between application. i'm sure that behind my back my office staff talks about the comings and goings of my beard color

playasinmar said...

Maybe you've been straight this whole time but your hair is gay!!!

Abelard Enigma said...

I don't have to tell you that long hair is definitely NOT part of the priesthood uniform. :)

Some men can pull off long hair and look quite debonair while others end up looking like aging hippies. I'll have to defer to your wife as to which category you fit in. But, if you can look like that guy in the first picture in your post then I say go for it! (hubba, hubba)

Ya know, there are other subtle ways of rebelling, like wearing a blue shirt and green tie to church :)

You could also wear a red ribbon on your lapel for Aids/HIV awareness. The beauty of this is that red is also used to raise awareness for: substance and drug abuse, MADD, DARE, Epidermolysis Bullosa, love, heart disease, supraventicular tachycardia, Wolff-parkinson-White Syndrome (WPW), pro-life, hypertension, and Evans Syndrome.

You could also wear a multi-color awareness ribbon with orange, green, blue, purple, & yellow to lead people to think you are supporting gay pride when in fact you are supporting STD awareness - you could then make them feel like an idiot as you inform them of this in a I-can't-believe-you-didn't-know tone of voice.

Oh, the possibilities are endless ...

GeckoMan said...

Can I start the mental picture now? Will you look like Jesus?

Kengo Biddles said...

Having met you, Beck, I know that you could look quite chic with it pulled back into a ponytail, kind of the classy, self-assured [business that you do] kind of guy.

I say go for it. The reason we "don't" wear beards and long hair is because of the knee-jerk of the 60's. Heck, Polynesians wear skirts to church. I say go ahead. If that's the least of your "rebellion" then I think you're okay to do it.

playasinmar said...

I think I'm with Kengo on this one. If it's tasteful then you should wear the pony tail.

And don't forget a lava-lava and a Polynesian full-body tattoo!

Beck said...

FOXX: You summed it up the best for me in what I was trying to say: "Maybe I feel different on the inside so I want to look different on the outside!" I need to think about this some more and figure out why this is such a stupid thing is currently such a big deal. Thanks for your encouragement.

SANTORIO: My teenage daughter has already begged me NOT to wear a pony tail. I don't know if I'd dare (because of the pressures of conformity to the establishment) but I don't want to look like an aging hippie either. I just want to do something different - and since I can't come "out" in my situation (weighing the cost effective analysis as you stated) this is maybe an alternative even if it does gross out the neighbors and my teenage daughter!

PLAYA: My hair is most definitely gay! It wants to be free and highlighted and "out there"! If only I can get the rest of me to go along for the adventure.

Beck said...

ABE: You said "I don't have to tell you that long hair is definitely NOT part of the priesthood uniform." And I say: So is it a temple recommend question? Is it a question of worthiness to hold the priesthood? Does it symbolize my unwillingness to be obedient? Am I purposefully and defiantly going against the brethren? What if I grew a Joseph F. Smith beard (heaven forbid)? I know you know I know your point - but geez... why can't there be a bit more leeway in the priesthood uniform. I know the Bishop always taught the young men that when we perform priesthood ordinances we are not to stand out or draw attention to ourselves, but to allow the priesthood to be honored without a statement of "look at me". I understand this. I really do. This argument was used for insisting on wearing white shirts, not having long hair, and definitely not wearing earrings. I know I should be looking at how I can be a better priesthood holder (see John G-W's most recent post which really makes this post just downright silly!!!) but my inner spirit wants to be expressed somehow, and I red badge on my lapel isn't going to do it! Can you see my point?

Beck said...

GECKO: NO, long hair like Jesus just looks long. A stylish healthy ponytail like the last picture with the face of the first is my goal here. :) I know what you're saying and I can see the point that this is all so silly and I should be beyond it... especially at this point in my midlife crisis. But, for this post, I'm not. This is real - silly or not!

KENGO: Having met me, you know from where you speak, and I appreciate your compliment - especially the "chic", "classy" and "self-assured" comments! :) You really think I can pull it off?

I've had guys at work comment lately about how they wish they could do it, or they wish their wife would let them do it, etc. At first I thought it was a joke, but they were serious and jealous that I was somehow getting away with it, professionally and otherwise! :)

PLAYA: The key word is "tasteful". How do I not cross the line from chic and stylish to creepy and gross?

Abelard Enigma said...

I really do understand how you feel. The other day I took my dog to the pet store to pick up some dog food. I felt really gay walking in the store with my dog - and it felt OK. It was my way of being in the gay world but not of the gay world at that moment in time. Of course, then she pooped on the floor and all gayness left me, being replaced with utter embarrassment :(

the Bishop always taught the young men that when we perform priesthood ordinances we are not to stand out or draw attention to ourselves

Hmmm, these days, wearing a white shirt WILL draw attention to you. If you really want to 'fit in' then a casual shirt, longish hair, perhaps an earring ... at least that's what it's like outside of Utah.

The whole white shirt, short hair, no facial hair thing is a cultural mores rather than having any basis in doctrine, or even policy - in fact, the most current general handbook of instructions specifically states that young men should NOT be required to wear white shirts in order to pass the sacrament.

So, I guess the question you need to ask yourslef is: How much do you want to fit in with Mormon culture? Having long hair, a beard isn't going to keep you out of the Temple. You may even be able to get away with an earring and/or a tattoo (we had an elder serving in our ward a few months ago who had a tattoo - something he did when he was younger). But, is that what you really want? Or are you just looking for ways to be in the gay world but not of the gay world?

Beck said...

"But, is that what you really want? Or are you just looking for ways to be in the gay world but not of the gay world?"

Of course I want to follow the spirit and do what is "right". Of course I want to do what I "should". But this post is emphasizing, right or wrong, that there is a part of me, hidden inside, that wants to be expressed, to be heard, to be known, to be recognized, in some way. I don't know why it's so important, and it's silly to spend any more time on something so irrelevant, but, I am, subconsciously or otherwise, "looking for ways to be in the gay world but not of the gay world". I'm looking for self-understanding as to why this is so relevant when it's really a shallow and superfluous thing...

J G-W said...

You know, back in the 1950s there was an expression in the gay community for coming out, "letting the hair pins drop" (i.e., "letting your hair down").

I think you should be allowed to grow it at least as long as Brigham Young grew his.

J said...

You know what would be totally awesome? Let the top grow out, then shave it underneath and then pull it back in a ponytail! Let's just be clear--ponytails on men are never cool--I don't care how "healthy" or "tasteful" they are. Or better put, tasteful/chic/classy cannot be paired with ponytail when it comes to men. There are some that can pull off the long hair look, but never in a ponytail. I'm just looking out for you, Becks! [Or maybe I'm looking out for your wife and kids who have to be seen with you ;).]

Beck said...

JOHN G-W: I know I'm taking this thing too seriously, and I know you're kidding about the BY thing, but there is some hidden symbolism of trying-to-come-to-terms-with-things here that I'm trying to figure out.

J: Thanks for keeping me grounded and looking out for the best interest of my wife and kids. I'm a freak already and they certainly don't need to be embarrassed any more than they already are with putting up with the angsty me. I'm not going to end up doing it - I never do - I end up chickening out and hold to the rod of the establishment in the end. But, it's just a "what if" thought, right?

Foxx said...

Beck, it sounds to me like you want something to draw attention to you. And it seems like this has something to do with the rigidity of the Establishment you keep referring to. What do hair, homosexuality, and conformity have to do with each other?

In dream symbology, hair represents strength and sensuality:
Seeing hair in your dream means sexual virility, seduction, sensuality, vanity, and health. It is indicative of your attitudes.


Beck said...

FOXX: I don't want something to draw attention to me... My subconscious thinking wants to have a say in what is going on. I'm definitely not healthy, virile, seductive or vain, but maybe my alter-ego is. However, I think your dream symbology is right on spot.

I feel like I'm a split personality and an internal struggle is going on and this is an expression of that moreso than I am seeking attention and vanity.

I think I'm going to shave my head bald. I think there's a razor upstairs. Maybe I'll do it right now!

J G-W said...

Hey, I wasn't trying to make light of this. I said it in a light manner, but there was a serious point to the BY quip. Why are there so many things that we practically turn into a requirement that have nothing to do with the gospel? Hair length seems to me one of those things... The thing that makes you kinda crazy if you're gay is thinking, "Well, if hair length puts you beyond the pale, what would they think if they knew I was gay?!?" That question almost destroyed me back in the day, literally.

When I went to the Affirmation Convention in Portland, OR and met Olin Thomas, the Director of Affirmation, he told me the funniest thing. He said he was surprised when he met me because, based on my writing, he thought I would "look" much more "conservative." He specifically mentioned my hair and beard. You've seen me. Do I really look that non-conformist? Is my writing that conservative?? I was stymied by that one.

I wish I could offer good advice in this department. Part of me just says, if your wife likes your hair longer, go for it.

Beck said...

J G-W: To be honest, when I met you I expected to see your hair longer - (I think you had recently cut your hair). I thought you were too conservative looking (no offense) - isn't that funny!?! But very quickly, you just became the great friend that you are! I don't know why this is such a big deal. In so many ways it has nothing to do with anything (spirituality, worthiness, vanity, conservative/liberal, etc.) Such inconsequential requirements lead to confused messages.

Thanks for understanding me!

J said...

No problem Beck, somebody has to be the fashion police around here. I'm all about rebellious hair--once upon a time I went platinum while I was at BYU. No one ever said anything to me--I even took tests in the testing center without a problem, even with hair a color that is definitely not found in nature. Sometimes it does feel good to throw convention to the wind and do something crazy.

Beck said...

J: Cool! I'd love to go platinum! Maybe I really should just cut my hair short and dye it super bleach blond! Yes? I'm dead serious!

J said...

Go for it! And email me a pic!