Following the example of Abelard, I have taken a break from blogging for a bit. Of course, being out of town on business a lot and then being back and buried in work certainly helps, but sitting back occasionally helps. And, I made it two weeks without blogging!
In that two weeks a few simple things happened:
1. I met two more bloggers of the "community" in person. That now makes four! The first meeting I had was scary (I was unsure of what to expect), but it ended up very positive and very uplifting. The second was unnerving but ended in a sense of good friendship, and the third and fourth of a couple weeks ago, were just a lot of fun! I never planned on meeting anyone when I started blogging - it wasn't my motivation at all, but as time as gone by, I can honestly say that I have made friendships that I never would have imagined. Thanks to everyone I've met and for your honesty and genuineness and becoming very "real" to me. Thank you SG, Kengo, AtP and Samantha, for accepting me for who I am, warts and all. I've concluded that this community is filled with astounding individuals, real folks trying to do their best in their lives. I feel very fortunate to come to "know" such great people... I'm more than "okay" with that...
2. I've been back East on business - it was definitely not a trip of pleasure, but still when my flight was delayed, I found out in time and was able to spend a couple of hours driving the coast of the Atlantic Ocean and just vegetating a bit and thinking about things. I found a great 3 mile long sandy beach that in that whole stretch I saw only a handful of people - and this in the shadow of 20 million people of the Mid-Atlantic coast. It was very peaceful, particularly after a stressful set of meetings. I was definitely okay with that...
3. Along the beach, I was thinking how "okay" I was with things and not wigged out much lately from my attraction issues. There was a sense of calm... About when I thought such thoughts, two extremely gorgeous male shirtless joggers, dashed by, their taut and amazingly golden lean muscles glistening in the sun. Three things happened - 1) I turned my head and totally admired their beauty and radiance and I audibly said "WOW!" 2) I turned my head and totally admired their beauty, recognizing that I am still alive, human, and very much attracted to the male persuasion, but I was "okay" with it. And 3) I got wigged out for maybe a few seconds, but I didn't start chasing them with my camera, trying to catch a photo of them, or dashing to my car to catch up to them to catch another "look", nor did I get freaked out at myself for enjoying the scenery. I did enjoy it and that was that. It was good, but not freaky in beating up on myself for enjoying it... Does this make sense?
4. I went to the 24th of July Neighborhood Breakfast on Tuesday and it was uneventful... This is the 1 year anniversary of my "broken ribs" incident where Tim hugged me so tight, picking me up from behind and twisting me to the ground, squeezing the life out of me to where a couple of my ribs "popped" (I blogged about this a year ago)... but not this year. He's not around and I'm okay with that. Distance has been good for both of us and I'm doing better in now passing days, even a week at a time without thinking about him... Yes, this is a good thing. And it frees me up to think more about my family, my wife, my kids. I still Love Tim very much, and that Love is not diminishing with time or distance at all, but it is being framed with time and distance into a more proper relationship - one of a dear friendship and nothing more. NOTE: Now all of this may change when I see him again in about six weeks, but for now, this is how I feel, and I'm okay with it.
Nothing spectacular... just life... I'm still as gay as ever... but I'm okay with that.
P.S. As I re-read this post, I wonder whether I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay with things, or am I really okay??? And, since I'm asking the question in the first place, then does that imply that I'm really NOT okay??? Of course, who of us is really okay???