Wednesday, July 25, 2007

I'm okay with that...


Following the example of Abelard, I have taken a break from blogging for a bit. Of course, being out of town on business a lot and then being back and buried in work certainly helps, but sitting back occasionally helps. And, I made it two weeks without blogging!


In that two weeks a few simple things happened:


1. I met two more bloggers of the "community" in person. That now makes four! The first meeting I had was scary (I was unsure of what to expect), but it ended up very positive and very uplifting. The second was unnerving but ended in a sense of good friendship, and the third and fourth of a couple weeks ago, were just a lot of fun! I never planned on meeting anyone when I started blogging - it wasn't my motivation at all, but as time as gone by, I can honestly say that I have made friendships that I never would have imagined. Thanks to everyone I've met and for your honesty and genuineness and becoming very "real" to me. Thank you SG, Kengo, AtP and Samantha, for accepting me for who I am, warts and all. I've concluded that this community is filled with astounding individuals, real folks trying to do their best in their lives. I feel very fortunate to come to "know" such great people... I'm more than "okay" with that...


2. I've been back East on business - it was definitely not a trip of pleasure, but still when my flight was delayed, I found out in time and was able to spend a couple of hours driving the coast of the Atlantic Ocean and just vegetating a bit and thinking about things. I found a great 3 mile long sandy beach that in that whole stretch I saw only a handful of people - and this in the shadow of 20 million people of the Mid-Atlantic coast. It was very peaceful, particularly after a stressful set of meetings. I was definitely okay with that...


3. Along the beach, I was thinking how "okay" I was with things and not wigged out much lately from my attraction issues. There was a sense of calm... About when I thought such thoughts, two extremely gorgeous male shirtless joggers, dashed by, their taut and amazingly golden lean muscles glistening in the sun. Three things happened - 1) I turned my head and totally admired their beauty and radiance and I audibly said "WOW!" 2) I turned my head and totally admired their beauty, recognizing that I am still alive, human, and very much attracted to the male persuasion, but I was "okay" with it. And 3) I got wigged out for maybe a few seconds, but I didn't start chasing them with my camera, trying to catch a photo of them, or dashing to my car to catch up to them to catch another "look", nor did I get freaked out at myself for enjoying the scenery. I did enjoy it and that was that. It was good, but not freaky in beating up on myself for enjoying it... Does this make sense?


4. I went to the 24th of July Neighborhood Breakfast on Tuesday and it was uneventful... This is the 1 year anniversary of my "broken ribs" incident where Tim hugged me so tight, picking me up from behind and twisting me to the ground, squeezing the life out of me to where a couple of my ribs "popped" (I blogged about this a year ago)... but not this year. He's not around and I'm okay with that. Distance has been good for both of us and I'm doing better in now passing days, even a week at a time without thinking about him... Yes, this is a good thing. And it frees me up to think more about my family, my wife, my kids. I still Love Tim very much, and that Love is not diminishing with time or distance at all, but it is being framed with time and distance into a more proper relationship - one of a dear friendship and nothing more. NOTE: Now all of this may change when I see him again in about six weeks, but for now, this is how I feel, and I'm okay with it.


Nothing spectacular... just life... I'm still as gay as ever... but I'm okay with that.
P.S. As I re-read this post, I wonder whether I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay with things, or am I really okay??? And, since I'm asking the question in the first place, then does that imply that I'm really NOT okay??? Of course, who of us is really okay???

11 comments:

Kengo Biddles said...

Was your first meeting with me, and was I that scary?

Beck said...

No, you were #2... and I consider you a non-scary friend!

Kengo Biddles said...

Skit ocksÄ. I'm going to have to try harder...



BOOGA! BOOGA!! BOOGA!!!


Did it work?

Beck said...

Nope... you're too lovable to be scary - but you missed the part about me calling you "unnerving".

J G-W said...

I'm jealous. I want to meet you too!

I was thinking about the very thing you mention under point (3) earlier today... Satan has two different ways of getting us. The first (obvious) way is to tempt us into lascivious thought patterns that drive away the Spirit. The second (far less obvious) way is to convince us that because our heart leaps at the sight of a beautiful man, that we are very bad, bad people, that we should be far better than that, etc. This also drives away the Spirit, but in a way that makes us less aware that we've driven it away. The first appeals to our lust. But the second appeals to our pride, a far, far more dangerous emotion.

Oddly, the middle path is what will save us... Acknowledging our humanness, our human responses and human natures, and learning for that to be "enough." Not letting our lust control us, but not thinking we should be anything else but human either. Just being.

Beck said...

"Not letting our lust control us, but not thinking we should be anything else but human either..."

I like that... I'm trying to recognize the middle road here, not flying off the handle because I'm tempted in the first place, and not beating myself up because I looked! It has taken a long time to recognize the dangers of lust, but moreso, the dangers of destroying myself over the process! I haven't thought of it as pride, but I can see it as such. Thank you, John, for the wisdom of your kind words... And I would LOVE to meet you!!!

Abelard Enigma said...

Hey, Texas is in between Utah and Minnesota (if you kind of twist your head a little and look at the map cross eyed). Maybe we could all meet here??? :)

John, you bring up a really good point. With Satan, we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. We need to find that middle ground, between damnations, before we can truly accept ourselves.

Beck, two weeks!!! You go girl! And, I don't know that I"m at a point yet where I wouldn't have run off after those two joggers with my camera. Seriously, you are my rock and help keep me rooted in reality.

J said...

I like you, Beck. I'm glad you're back. I agree with everything that's been said about item #3. It's funny that you should post about this because I've really been trying to not let me desires and attractions rule my life, both in the moment, and aftewards when I let my reaction consume my thinking. Thanks for sharing.

Elbow said...

You are amazingly okay. I love you and I love that you have peace of mind right now. Sounds like you're in a good place. I think you're great!

Samantha said...

I would have to say that of everyone in the Queerosphere, I am the most okay. And don't argue with me! -L- said I could be the Queen!

Beck said...

Abe: I didn't say that I "didn't" think about or even attempt to run after them with my camera (as I did), but they were too fast and I couldn't keep up! :)

J: I like you, too. I want you to feel welcomed any time. Your voice is important to me. I've let "my reaction consume my thinking" too much of my life. I'm just not going to dwell on it as much anymore. (But that doesn't mean I'm not going to NOT notice either!)

Elbow: So... um... like when are you going to be my #5?

SAM: You are the MOST okay in my book! You are far more than okay - you are super fantastic - and anyone who says otherwise has a beef with me! :)