So I ask myself some tough questions about why I am committed to my marriage and making it be strong and solid, and yet, could still turn around and look over my shoulder and desire what I've refused to embrace and have left behind years ago at the risk of becoming that proverbial "pillar of salt", and all I get are more questions running through my head...
As I commented to myself in response to J G-W, I am committed to my marriage and find myself not willing to leave or abandon this wonderful and sacred relationship. But, am I committed to my marriage because...
1. I have no other choice? If I were presented with another choice, a truly viable option of a wonderful and sacred and committed guy, would I immediately abandon ship to be with him? And am I not making such a choice because there is no real guy out there? But if there were, other than in a fantasy setting, would I do it? Would I leave it all for Mr. Right? I mean, really, am I in this marriage because I have no other real alternative?
2. I am lonely and so afraid to be totally alone? Is her companionship better than no companionship at all? Am I staying married because I enjoy her company, our friendship, our love of learning and exploring and creating and discovering new and amazing things? Or am I married because I really fear loneliness?
3. I have a sure thing in my hand and I don't want to risk losing it? I am married and have a great family with super kids and a beautiful home and environment within which we live. Am I married because I don't want to give that up, because I know it is real and here and now and the other is just a "possibility", but not reality?
4. I am fearful of the future, including my eternal future and consequences if I really abandon my responsibility and sacred covenants regarding my wife and children? Is this really just fear of justice verses mercy? Is there damnation in my future of a telestial nature for not staying committed? Is it just fear of being damned?
5. I am fully vested in her, in our life together, in our intertwined relationship of our physical, mental, spiritual, emotional worlds we've created for each other? Is there so much invested that it is just too foolish to walk away from it all?
6. I am comfortable and safe where I am, and unwilling to risk that comfort and safety for the unknown? Am I really just too comfortable with my life and the social and cultural and economical advantages of comfort and safety within the community and world status to give it up or trade it in on a guy?
7. I am spiritually connected to her, with a personal testimony and witness of the Holy Ghost that gives me assurance that this is right and good and true and real and to hold on to for no other reason than that spiritual conviction? Could I feel that way about another man just as well?
8. I love her... simply that... because I love her? And because I need her in my life? Is there such a love that describes this complex relationship and bonding we've developed, despite my gay longings?
So, with all of this self-purging, then why do I still feel like I want to at least "know" what it feels like to have a man love me? Why is this still important after all these years? Why is there still this longing? I mean, as I said, is it more just feeling regret for having married so young and never having explored these feelings when I was younger and available? Am I still coveting the green grass on the other side of the fence because I'm not completely satisfied with the just as green (though I can't see it) grass right under my feet? Am I just wanting to sin, just bite the fruit and get it over with, in order to obtain knowledge? Am I regretting that I'll never know the meaning of these urges, these desires, these attractions and why they exist in the first place?
Why can I not seal my heart to hers? Why can I not make this decision, this choice once and for all? Why do I have to keep revisiting it over and over and over again? Why can I not just be hers? Why is there something still missing? Why is this so hard? Why do I just want to give up?
With all of my wonderful and amazing blessings that come from being married to a saintly and gifted woman, with my astounding children, with the experiences of joy and sorrow, of love and pain, why do I still want more?
I truly am a wretch...