Friday, July 27, 2007

I realize...


I was on another airplane yesterday, and found myself sitting next to a "co-worker" of mine that I didn't really know that well on a personal level. Since we were going to be seat-belted next to each other for the next 90 minutes, I wondered what we were going to talk about. I must say that in most flights, I usually don't say much to anyone, whether it is a total stranger or a good friend. But yesterday was different...


She asked me about my wife, and I started to tell her about her and all the amazing and wonderful things she does, and how free-spirited and full-of-life she is, and how difficult it is to stereotype her - you can't - she's too unique and has so many interests and so much fun and enthusiasm and dedication for her interests, that she's almost beyond description. She is definitely her own person who doesn't worry ever about what others think or whether "this" or "that" would be a good impression on others or be approved by "them". She just does what comes naturally and it is actually very refreshing.


Why I mention this at all (for I typically don't talk about my wife in my Blog - you don't know her as I've kept her from you, the reader, in maybe some kind of subconscious protective way - I don't know why... but there's a time and space for everything and my Blog hasn't been about her except when it's centered on what I am doing to her with the choices I make, the pain I cause, etc.) is that before I knew it, we had landed and I realized that I had spent the entire flight going on and on and on sharing amazing things about my wife and how unique and full of life and genuine she is, and I did this to an "almost stranger" and at the end she said to me "You must really love her!".


I don't know why, but it really struck me funny. It was like a wake-up call, or a slap in the face... I mean, of course I love her! I've been married to her for 26 years, right? There's got to be some kind of love through it all!


But it's been such a really long time since I've seriously shared with someone in an open dialogue the incredible stories about my wife in a flowing stream of consciousness, (since a lot of the time, I'm obsessed with my own problems and situations and feelings and loneliness and being wigged out by amazingly beautiful men etc. that for the most part I keep bottled up inside - but since they are inside and fighting for space to breathe and move, it's hard to get any other thoughts and feelings and streams of consciousness to be expressed - do you know what I'm saying here?) that I realize...


I really do love her!

15 comments:

GeckoMan said...

Sweet.

And there's nothing wrong with that word, either. In fact, I love sweets!

Thanks for sharing that "yeah, I knew that" realization. So, have you told your wife about the conversation?

Go ahead, make her day :)

J G-W said...

Beautiful, Beck. Thanks. Sometimes I think love is the only thing that can save any of us.

J said...

I like the picture that accompanies the post. Very fitting, in my opinion.

Abelard Enigma said...

I read your post and I was reminded of "Do You Love Me" from Fiddler on the Roof.

It doesn't change a thing
But even so
After twenty-five years
It's nice to know

Kengo Biddles said...

Amen to all the aforesaid.

-L- said...

I just completely love this post.

Beck said...

Thank you everyone...

The irony of the situation, however, is we had a BIG fight tonight, that was stress induced from both are parts, but things were said and hurt was felt and now we've got to do some repairing on both sides...

"I'm sorry" will be said before we go to bed, I'm sure, but now I've got to come up with some creative way to really show her that I mean it. Any suggestions?

This eternal relationship gig certainly isn't easy!!!

:(

GeckoMan said...

Is part of that stress for her the inward fear that you are hiding something?

I think I remember reading you haven't told her about your blog. Is is time to print out this post and comments, and 'confess' on the positive actions you are taking in your life to be committed in your relationship?

Honesty, openness, gratitude, tenderness... these are the stuff of eternal relationships that promote joy in the gig, rather than just surviving another day.

J G-W said...

The fight doesn't change the reality of the love.

When Göran and I have fought, part of the anguish for me is that sometimes there is nothing you can really do short-term. You've already apologized, and I assume you were sincere... You just kind of have to buckle down, try to listen better and be better the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that...

Avoiding having the same fight again also helps... I think over time I've gotten better at recognizing what pushes my buttons, and figuring out how not to respond the way I did before when they get pushed again.

Elbow said...

That's so sweet, Beck. I really like this post because even though you haven't posted this about your wife, I always sensed a deep love you've had for her all along.

You're lucky to have her, but she's also VERY lucky to have you.

Forester said...

I don't know what I would do without my wife. I couldn't make it through life without her. It's a miracle that we ever met and fell in love. I'm home alone this week and miss her terribly.

gentlefriend said...

You asked for suggestions for communicating love after a conflict. My best suggestion you already know: Invite her to talk and listen and reflect to her what you think she is feeling. Ask her what you do to make her feel that way. Listen, listen without defending your point of view. You don't have to agree with her point of view, just understand it. Spending your precious time with her and listening with compassion is the most powerful way to demonstrate your love.

You don't love another for eternity unless you choose to. Love is a daily decision.

Ron Schow said...

Beck

I've been reading more thoroughly on your blog this morning and, although even this recent blog is nearly a week old (and I am slow to respond), I want to tell you how much I enjoy your thoughtful blogs. I had read the July 9 blog before but I had the time to read all the responses there and here this morning. Clearly you have received some wonderful input from friends here and your recent plane experience talking about your wife is a terrific insight also.

I would like to suggest that when you can, you and your wife watch a wonderful movie I saw this week. It is "Evening" starring Vanessa Redgrave and Myrl Streep. You will recognize when you see the movie, that it has a great deal to do with what you are talking about, especially on your July 9 blog. Without any discussion of things you may not be ready to discuss with her, it might prompt you both (or any of us) to consider how the choices of life bring us to where we are.

It is a fantastic movie, wonderfully acted, beautifully filmed, and the message will take your breath away. Anyone on this blog, I think, would find it inspiring. It is a film that helps us recognize that while life could have taken other directions, we are where we are, and life is good.

Beck, you will even get a chance to be reminded of one of your major life experiences...when you were frozen and couldn't jump off from a high place into the water. And there is even a gay sub-plot in the movie.

In the film we see through flashback how our youthful beauty and exuberance, with our hopes and fears, is transformed finally, into old age when we still may be wondering if we made the right choices.

My favorite scene in the film is where a mother swamped with life, takes the time to sit down and sing to her children. I pretty much guarantee you that scene and others will bring you to tears or at least stir your emotions.

Beck said...

Update: We're doing fine. I tend to make her crazy with the things I do or don't do and then I need to realize that I'm at fault most of the time and need to work better on being more sensitive to her needs and helping her feel important and wanted and needed in my life... and if I just do those simple things and if I can just keep things good between us, if I can keep from being "offended", or if I can just stay focused on the two of us... then life is good.

Life is good... As hard as this marriage gig is, I can't imagine my life without it. We have lived longer together than apart. We have become part of each other. There is strength and foundation in such companionship. It's more than longevity - at least I hope so - if we both put ourselves into it.

Beck said...

Ron:

Thanks for reading my blog. I'm genuinely flattered. You've spotted my "cliff hanging" experience as a "major" experience of my life. By your just saying this has triggered feelings and realizations that I hadn't put together before.

I will need to check out the "Evening" flick. I have not heard of it before.

Everyone:

Thanks for all of the great comments. I appreciate them one and all!