Wednesday, January 03, 2007

2nd Anniversary!

It's now been two years since...

* Since my wife confronted me once and for all and I spilled it all and came "out" to her in a complete confession of SSA feelings of a lifetime. In the most difficult moment of our marriage, I told her with no doubt that I was GAY! (NOTE: I had come "out" to myself in no uncertain terms about six months earlier - after years and years of fighting and refusing to realize my reality as I realized I had a major problem as I allowed myself to fall in love with "Will" - an amazing guy that was becoming in me more than just an amazing guy friend...)

* Since my wife went into a deep depression. This news to her was not really news. It was more a confirmation of years of doubt, confusion, speculation about these feelings inside me. It was just the fact that I had admitted it to her with no doubt is what brought the beginning of the end of our relationship (or so I thought). I knew in coming "out" that I risked the end of our marriage, the breakup of our family, and the hope for any chance of eternity.

* Since anger, disgust, hurt, unworthiness, pain, heartache, lost time, lost opportunity entered in earnest in our marriage. I wanted to take it all back - but I couldn't. And she knew it. She just didn't want to believe it was true. Once coming "out" is out, there is no way to say "oh... I was just kidding, sorry!".

* Since a miracle happened where her heart softened toward me - in time - and we began a slow process of restoring what brought us together in the first place - that we really were in love with each other - and that she was in love with a gay man - and that was who I was. This after much distance, healing, and hard work to restore what was lost. The sham that had become our marriage had a reason... now it was up to us to decide if this would remain a sham or the real thing.

* Since we began a journey or rediscovery in passion, sexuality, commitment.

I have tried to seal my soul to her since then. (I know my blog chronicles the opposite). I have failed miserably. I've walked the fine line. I've pushed myself to the edge. I've desired to cross over the line with all my heart. I've wanted to be swept away from it all.

I've allowed myself to still "love" Will and now to emotionally and romantically "fall in love" with Tim, knowing they can't offer more than just very close, very intimate friendship. I've dreamed of it being more. I've desired romance. And thus, I continue to bring pain, heartache and confusion with my wife.

She knows that in some ways I haven't changed. She'd tried to "change" me thinking increased romance and marital sexuality would click something in my brain and I would be different - I would desire her more, I would desire guys less. But now, after two years, she knows that isn't going to happen... and she blames herself.

In many ways, we have become closer, more romantic, more committed as we've worked together on this relationship now that the issue is "out" in the open between us. We've made good progress and there is hope and purpose for staying together. She's seen me stop my daily contact with my "friends", the hanging out, etc. but in the process she's realized that this limitation of contact has made my feelings for HIM even stronger. My heart ACHES for him! She sees it in my eyes. She sees it in his eyes. She knows that I love him. I know I've made her heart ACHE as she's caught us together in each other's arms...

And so, on this 2nd anniversary, she cries into her pillow. She relives the pain and anguish thrust upon her with this revelation. As much as she "knew", she's still in denial. She still can't believe that she has been married to such a jerk as I am now for over two decades... And so she endures, she hangs on, she hopes for a better tomorrow.

We cuddle. I try to comfort her. She sobs. There isn't much I can do. She knows I'm not totally hers. But she is totally mine. It isn't fair to her. I recognize the unfairness of this situation. I don't want it to be this way (or do I - in many ways I am the jerk that wants the traditional husband/wife eternal marriage while having my guy-love on the side. What's wrong with this picture? I've allowed myself to attempt to live this deceptive lifestyle - it's a lie - I can't have it both ways - it's too much work!)

At least she allows me to cuddle.

She's a saint. I'm a cad.

I know there is a reason for holding on if we both want it. I'm not sure what I want any more...

KB reminds me of my covenants. Yes - my covenants... those covenants are what have kept us together more than anything else. But, have I kept them, truly kept them in the sense of any meaning "beyond this life" with blessings of eternity to come - IF I really am not sealed to her in my heart and desire so much for an intimate male relationship??? Though I have never physically crossed the line of extramarital sexual relations - I have within my thoughts, dreams, passions and desires of my heart. As a man thinketh, so is he, right? So what am I but a liar, two-timer, cheater and jerk.

In the fireside to the youth of the church on Sunday (New Year's Eve) at the Conference Center, the Prophet stated: "Choose to be wise and happy... or stupid and miserable."

I've been a bit of all of the above. I've wondered... was it really the right thing to come "out" to her? Was it wise to reveal such internal thoughts and anguish to her? From this wisdom, has happiness come? Or was it stupid and we are now just miserable - hanging on... hanging onto a false hope?

I don't know. I think it has been good to be "out" to her... we've been able to put a name to it and to recognize it is real and a part of us (for good or bad), and that we still love each other despite it all and still want to be together after all... But two years later, there is still a lot of pain, a lot of heartache, a lot of tears, a lot of misery. Maybe it wasn't so wise!!!!



Foxx said...

The thing about wisdom is that it can tell when the misery is temporary, leading to happy, and when stupid's happiness or ignorance is temporary, leading to misery.

Although I think it is a misleading quote, I also think you did the right thing, and in the end, your wisdom (to whatever degree you recognize it) will mean greater happiness for you.

Beck said...

Thanks for that assurance. I'm not feeling very wise right now, but the confidence you have in me means a lot, Foxx.

Kengo Biddles said...

Speaking to the covenants comment, Beck, I worry about my covenants too. Remember, though, that we're not expected to be 100% perfect on them every day of our lives. We just have to strive for them. Look back on the years and see if you've been trending up or down.

If you're trending up, keep up the good work! If you're trending down, figure out ways to improve. That's all we can do. And while we like to let our shamecreas and guilt bladder get the best of us at times, don't! You're not perfect. None of us are, and we only need to try to do our very best.

That you're concerned about this shows that it's important in your heart that you do all you can for your marriage, despite your success rate.

You're a good man, Beck. You're doing the best you can.

Chris said...

She's a saint. I'm a cad.

I disagree.

Beck said...

KB: I am concerned about it! That is the truth! There is value in our commitment together! It is important to me! But the pain I cause the relationship makes my guilt bladder and shamecreas work overtime. And that pain comes from my inability to "seal up my heart" to her. In this regard I'm most definitely imperfect.

Beck said...

Chris: Explain yourself! I want your true and gut-wrenching opinion here! To say that you disagree doesn't leave me anything. I assume you mean that she's a saint and I'm NOT a cad.

If you are willing - share with me what you're really thinking because I need added wisdom!

Loyalist (with defects) said...

I am hardly one to be handing out advice and wisdom. Anyone who knows me would probably say the samething.

My own turbulence in life has been of my own choosing. Kim Mack just pointed that out to me today. It was like a kick in the head. I have to ask my self what is it that I want - truely want; then what am I going to do to achieve it; Then do it.

I wanted to loose weight then made a plan on how to achive it then set about achiving it.

KB is right we are all Saints. Not the high, exalted Catholic of a saint nor the Perfect-I-am-better-than-Martha-Stewart-LDS version of a saint either. In mortality I think all who strive for bettering themselves (in whatever capacity they understand it) is a Saint.

I have learned one or two things from being married and one of them (speaking generally)is that men crave and desire purpose whereas woman want security. Your wife may be desiring or wanting the feeling of security - speaking with her is the only way I know how you can gain an understanding of what she wants/desires from you.

I may be way out in left field with this hypothisis (it wouldn't be the first time).

Beck said...

Loyalist: You're pretty much right on target. Some events occurred today that zero in on your thoughts about my wife and her insecurities... more to come as the story unfolds as we speak!

Thanks for your wisdom. Please feel free to dish it out because I'm hungry for it... And, knowing Kim, I'm sure she's so frustrated with me she'd like to kick me in the head as well!:-)

Chris said...

I don't know if she's a saint. I do know that you're not a cad. You have remained faithful to your wife despite the fact that you are gay and crave male affection and companionship. That's not what cads do. It's what honorable and decent people do.

I also know that married gay men often elevate their wives to positions of sainthood as a way of dealing with their own guilt. Perhaps it's also an admission of sorts that such marriage arrangements are unfair to one or both spouses.

Beck said...


You're more wise than you let on. :-) She is a saint for caring so much for me for so long despite or in spite of my gay struggles. There is a sense of "unfairness" on both parts.

Thanks for the kind words. I'm trying to live up to your view of honorable and decent people!