Thursday, August 03, 2006
One of my most favorite things to do is to get in a car in Europe and go get lost in the back roads, particularly the back roads of Southern France and Italy. I could spend hours searching for that perfect ancient and forgotten hill town - those hill towns perched on mountain and outcroppings that defy the imagination of how they were ever built, with breathtaking views and inspirational architecture. The colors and textures of life clinging to those hills and the lives that live century after century in such precarious places of difficulty are thrilling to my spirit! I feel a connection to their beauty, their simplicity, their hard choice to live in such astounding places.
Even as crazy and winding as the rural backroads of Europe become, you never can get lost! At each fork in the road, there are inevitably road signs that point you to the next destination, the next hill town on the horizon. It's easy! It's fun! It's exciting to not have a plan for the next step - but you have faith in that arrow pointing you onward to that next town down the road, that next adventure, that next inspiration.
And a choice is made at each fork. And I excitedly take it.
In a recent comment to my post Sam stated the following:
Sometimes, when I read what you write, I can't help but contribute my two cents...but in the end, regardless of all the advice and hooplah, you're the only one who can decide what you want to do. And quite honestly, I believe THAT is the responsiblity you're actually running from. You don't want to have to be accountable for deciding to stay in the church/in your marriage, and maybe miss something you've been longing for all your earthly life--and you DEFINITELY don't want to take responsibility for leaving your wife and family and partaking in the life that attracts you.
Hmmmm...how 'bout that...you're human...
WHOA! Pretty tough words!
I feel like in one paragraph she's summed up my whole life. She's right: I don't want to make that choice! If I did, I'd be fearful of hurting someone I love (my wife, my kids, extended family and friends, MYSELF), giving up something that I want most desperately (manly love, eternal life, family bonds, etc.), and so I am ACTUALLY RUNNING FROM these choices before me.
In one sense, the purpose for this life, as simple as it sounds, is the CTR thing - choose the right. I guess if I don't choose, that IS a choice in and of itself. And then for sure, I'm the lukewarm stuff of which is spued out for naught. I can live as I am with angst, but do the best to stay middle of the road. I'll never be accepted by either side, embraced and loved fully by either side. I'll never be whole. I'll never be dead or alive. I'll just be.
THE CRUX of MY SITUATION: As much as I profess to desire to embrace one life or the other, I really don't want to have to choose!