Thursday, August 03, 2006


One of my most favorite things to do is to get in a car in Europe and go get lost in the back roads, particularly the back roads of Southern France and Italy. I could spend hours searching for that perfect ancient and forgotten hill town - those hill towns perched on mountain and outcroppings that defy the imagination of how they were ever built, with breathtaking views and inspirational architecture. The colors and textures of life clinging to those hills and the lives that live century after century in such precarious places of difficulty are thrilling to my spirit! I feel a connection to their beauty, their simplicity, their hard choice to live in such astounding places.

Even as crazy and winding as the rural backroads of Europe become, you never can get lost! At each fork in the road, there are inevitably road signs that point you to the next destination, the next hill town on the horizon. It's easy! It's fun! It's exciting to not have a plan for the next step - but you have faith in that arrow pointing you onward to that next town down the road, that next adventure, that next inspiration.

And a choice is made at each fork. And I excitedly take it.

In a recent comment to my post Sam stated the following:

Sometimes, when I read what you write, I can't help but contribute my two cents...but in the end, regardless of all the advice and hooplah, you're the only one who can decide what you want to do. And quite honestly, I believe THAT is the responsiblity you're actually running from. You don't want to have to be accountable for deciding to stay in the church/in your marriage, and maybe miss something you've been longing for all your earthly life--and you DEFINITELY don't want to take responsibility for leaving your wife and family and partaking in the life that attracts you. 'bout're human...

WHOA! Pretty tough words!

I feel like in one paragraph she's summed up my whole life. She's right: I don't want to make that choice! If I did, I'd be fearful of hurting someone I love (my wife, my kids, extended family and friends, MYSELF), giving up something that I want most desperately (manly love, eternal life, family bonds, etc.), and so I am ACTUALLY RUNNING FROM these choices before me.

In one sense, the purpose for this life, as simple as it sounds, is the CTR thing - choose the right. I guess if I don't choose, that IS a choice in and of itself. And then for sure, I'm the lukewarm stuff of which is spued out for naught. I can live as I am with angst, but do the best to stay middle of the road. I'll never be accepted by either side, embraced and loved fully by either side. I'll never be whole. I'll never be dead or alive. I'll just be.

THE CRUX of MY SITUATION: As much as I profess to desire to embrace one life or the other, I really don't want to have to choose!


Dave Walter said...


You seem to be of the mindset that there are options A, B and C from which you need to choose. But if you step back from that, you'll see that "What do I choose?" isn't even the right question at this time.

Remember all those questions I posed with regard to your wife? There are many, many other, intertwining questions about your perspectives and beliefs (conscious and subconscious) on religion, and LDS specifically; on societal conventions regarding sexuality, marriage, family and community; on self-definition, self-worth, and self-discovery; on fear, happiness, helplessness and hope; on stability, on role-playing, on the big picture, and on the details.

That's just for starters, although not every issue is equally pertinent. The point is, your current situation cannot be summed up in one paragraph or 10.

To use your southern France meanderings as a lame analogy: You've got lots of crazy and winding mental backroads to explore. You won't know in advance where you'll end up. But you won't get lost.

Dave Walter said...

Incidentally, I meant that my use of the driving analogy was kind of lame, not your use of a driving analogy in the original post. : )

Beck said...

You mean there are more options that A, B, or C? How many multiple choice questions are on the test?

Of course I recognize there are trees of questions for every answer. And I appreciate the insight to keep me pursuing these paths and where they may lead me.

But, my point is: primary among all of these paths, forks in the road, and choices is the fundamental choices of open gay vs. closeted gay, family vs. other options, religious devotion vs. alternate beliefs.

Maybe I'm not ready to make the tough ultimatums without first going down the road...

But some fundamental questions are answered in my mind. I just may not like the answers.

Moncrief Speaks said...

Really interesting blog. You write very well.

Beck said...

Moncrief: Thanks for reading the blog. I checked yours out as well. I love maps! I could study a road atlas as a kid for hours on end. Pretty weird, huh?

Ward Cleaver said...

Essentially, you've already made your choice. Look at your life around you. You've made your choice.....a LONG time ago.

Beck said...

WARD: Read on... you're right on track with my latest post that I just finished! We're in tune!